Dude

My bonfire crackled, sending dancing sparks between the twisting oaks of Death Forest. Fully orchestrated music flowed through the creaking boughs, a song I'd heard at least ten times since I'd arrived. Sages called it Ballad of Death Forest. Rather uninspired, if you ask me.

I'd once tried to locate the string quartet, but it only led me to a tree near a goblin encampment, where I ended up hog tied inside a tent until Dude rescued me.

Dude! Such an exotic name! I had to find him again, no matter the cost!

I unfolded the letter I'd read dozens of times before, inhaling imagined scents of manly cologne. The correspondence was magical, but I could still dream otherwise. 

Dear Princess Rosella,

You asked me to write. I read a letter writing formula on Gamefaqs that supposedly makes you give me lots of treasures, fall madly in love with me, or wear skimpier outfits, but that doesn't sound fun. Others say I just have to use good English. You probably can't understand me, or you'd give me more instructions on how to write you. I can only fit eighty words in this letter, so I'll just say I love you.

-Dude

Imagine, compelling me to give him things by writing in a prescribed manner! I was so glad he hadn't chosen to do this, like so many others. And the line about "Clear instructions" on how to write me? Those words still made me grin.

Who was this Gamefaqs? A person? A guild of scholars? Whatever the case, they seemed charmingly ignorant. 

Did he truly love me? If so, why haven't I heard from him in ten thousand days? I tried to put him out of my mind after the first month, but...I just couldn't. 

And now I braved the very heart of evil to get him back.

I unfolded the next letter, gave a glance over my shoulder like someone were there to witness and embarrass me.

I had no observers but owls and vampire bats with glowing red eyes. Although constantly filling the night air with sound, they did not attack unless you walked beneath their trees. Black widow spiders, which Dude compared to something called a "Yo-Yo", mindlessly dropped and ascended from branches at the edge of the clearing.

I heard you like letters better if they say I love you somewhere. Can you actually feel love? I hope you can. I think I do kinda love you, not just because you look amazing in skimpy bikini armor, you have an interesting personality, you're not an ordinary damsel in distress. I love how you sneak out of the palace to practice fighting or play sports. I wish (...) It's lonely here, wish I could see you in person.

The Magical Codewheel did not transcribe the missing piece of the letter, but I could imagine what it said: Something about him being with me. 

I self consciously glanced down at my plate mail, reflecting that perhaps it was a little revealing, and might not give my thighs adequate protection from weaponry, but Dude liked it, and our greatest female warriors wore similar garments, or less, without sustaining leg injuries.

I had other letters from him, explaining how he came from another realm called Wyandotte, was thirteen years old, still going to school. His father was a sorcerer who made magical horseless carriages inside a green plant called a "Fordmodor-Gmack" By the sounds of it, their gardens must have been immense to hold such a thing. I couldn't imagine who tended its massive leaves.

Dude, I would give anything just to be with you for a day!

Re-reading these writings made the dark forest seem less terrible, even with all the living skeletons, hobgoblins and giant trolls I could hear (and sometimes see) stomping between nearby copses of trees. I clutched his notes to my breast as I drifted off to sleep.

I don't know how much time passes when I sleep. When I closed my eyes, I heard musical tones, blacked out for what felt like no time at all, and awoke refreshed. 

Sometimes the sun came out after I slept, but not in Death Forest. I awoke to the same hooting owls, screeching bats, chirping crickets, and orchestral score.

During my rest, I had tucked my doll golem in my pack for safekeeping, but now I brought it out again, lovingly tracing my fingers across its chest. "Oh Dude! If only you would speak to me again! If you would but come back and write me another letter, or dance with me! Then I wouldn't have to journey into the Shadow King's fortress to find you!"

Crying, I kissed the doll on the head. "Dude, please come back to me."

I laid the doll on the ground, sprinkling it with magic potion as I recited the summoning incantation.

The doll grew in size, taking the shape of a tall handsome knight in armor.

I rushed up and wrapped my arms around him, pressing up against his body. "Dude! Please tell me that it is you in there!"

I couldn't hold him and hold the Book of Lists or set up the Codewheel. I had to rely on glowing symbols. "Is that you, Dude? Answer yes or no."

A green circle appeared on his forehead, indicating yes.

My heart pounded with excitement, but I had experienced too much heartbreak to believe what every golem had to say. "Dude, do you know why I'm here?"

Green circle. 

A chill ran down my back. If not a lie, someone was spying on me...

Trembling, I gave him another test. "If it's really you, answer me this: Is it right for me, as a woman, to do whatever I want, and be whoever I want?"

Green circle.

Getting suspicious, I narrowed my eyes. "Dude, are you just telling me whatever you think I want to hear?"

I didn't get an answer to that.

I let go of him, spreading a scroll on the ground, Codewheel in the center. "If it is really you, tell me something only Dude would say."

After an uncomfortably long pause, the silver ball, covered in letters, numbers and symbols, made its slow trek across the page.

My face flushed bright red when I read the message:

STOP TALKING PRINCESS AND TAKE OFF YOUR BREASTPLATE. I WANT TO SEE SOME TITTIES.

With a horrified shout, I threw the letter into the fire and blew Powder of Separation into the golem's face. It fell backwards on the dirt, returning to its tiny doll sized form.

I stared at the object like a dead rotting thing, hesitant to replace it in my satchel, but my love for Dude compelled me to keep it.

Death Forest changed every time someone entered or left it. To locate the fortress, I brought forth my Magic Compass, adding another section to the map I'd been charting. Only vague poems told me where to go next.

I crept through a winding maze of thick foliage, entering a second clearing. 

Hearing trouble, I drew my Elven Rune Etched Broadsword.

The forest erupted with battle cries, thunderous stomping of goat hooves, and the wild snapping of foliage.

I faced an army of terrifying beasts: Three towering olive skinned trolls with snaggle teeth, horned, pig faced goblins , armor clad skeletons with glowing eyes.

Just once I'd like to enter a battle and resolve it peacefully through communication, Dude had written. Do we always have to solve problems with a swordfight?

I sheathed my weapon, giving his idea a try. "I seek audience with the King of Shadows! We need not fight, just bring me to him, please!"

My foes were never much at conversation. They only growled and charged at me with their weapons.

I've been practicing a lot. It seemed like every day some horrible thing attacked the palace, so I'd resorted to sneaking into the armory and sparring with training dummies and palace guards. When she found out, mother said it was unladylike, but didn't stop me.

Battle made me feel close to Dude. I could imagine him still guiding the golem, fighting beside me.

As I slashed the chest of a green pig monster, I thought about other things he'd written:

I don't like fighting that much. I'd like to be able to experience an adventure with you without being attacked.

It did sound nice. The thought encouraged me to fight harder, and swing with more force. I brought my hilt down on a skeleton's head, shattering him to pieces.

A troll came at me with his club, but I performed a side stepping "Fake Out Move" Dude had shown me in our one-on-one sparring sessions. I wondered if he knew what great debt of gratitude I owed to him for my fighting prowess. I certainly think he would have approved:

Would you think it weird if I said I'd enjoy it if you were the hero and I the damsel in distress?

I smirked as I destroyed another skeleton. I did get a secret thrill from battles such as this, so much more interesting than lounging in my father's palace.

That being said, I felt a little guilty when I buried the hilt of my weapon into a boar's stomach. I remembered how Dude wondered if they had families.

My sword paused at another enemy's throat as I pondered their motives.

The monster's spear wounded me through a gap in my armor, oddly avoiding any area below the belt. I snapped to attention, hacking him and the rest of my enemies to pieces.

A trail led downhill from that point, into darker areas with thicker trees and sinister monoliths. Here and there stood guard towers, goblins pacing about on top. The music changed ominously.

A pair of wizards leapt from the darkness, casting summoning spells. Following Dude's strategy, I killed the spellcasters first, then worked on smashing the skeletons.

I lost consciousness, lying on the ground while the skeletons beat me and chopped me with their swords. If not for one of Dude's letters bursting into fire and restoring my health, I would not have survived.

I leapt to my feet, and with a scream vanquished my attackers.

I continued on, through what felt like miles of dense forest and labyrinths of stone monuments. Enemies jumped out at every turn. I faced many close calls, depleting my health potions and burning several of Dude's letters.

At last I reached Mount Shadow, a high forbidding projection of granite, its peaks topped with a doubly forbidding castle.

A crumbling moss covered staircase wound its way up there. I caught sight of armed guards, goblins and men, patrolling the second landing.

Expecting even greater challenge, I steeled myself, clutching Dude's letters tightly.

To my surprise, they only stood at attention, a goblin pointing to the next landing. "The Master awaits you," said one of the men.

The climb seemed like forever, but not one of the castle's monstrous guardians attacked me. I soon reached the giant stone edifice, carved into shapes of animal men and an enormous horned skull. A massive set of double doors groaned open on their own upon my approach.

Inside, I found a tall, seemingly endless vault lined with doors.

A figure, clad in a skull mask, scarlet robe and a horned helmet, strode up its rune bedecked flooring. One of his gauntleted hands held a staff topped with a goat skull. "Ah! Princess Rosella! How nice of you to visit!...I hope my forest guardians haven't caused you too much trouble."

He gestured to a doorway. "Would you like a drink? Food, perhaps?"

"No thank you," I stammered. "I actually wish to ask a favor..."

The mask bobbed. "Yes, yes. The witch Gruzella has told me about it." I sensed disappointment in his voice. "You wish to be reunited with your dear `Dude' and see him in the flesh." 

The Shadow King directed me to a stairwell. "Follow me."

He led me into a dungeon filled with mirrors and frightening statuary. "My Lady, you've come all this way to find me. Now I must ask you: Are you still willing to go through with this? To risk the destruction of this entire world, everything you have ever known and loved, to meet a stranger who only communicates through a golem?"

I swallowed hard. "For Dude, I'd do anything."

I could swear the Shadow King looked a little sad. "Very well, my dear. Hand me your royal crown. Grant me the power to rule both the Kingdom of Shadow and The Kingdom of Light."

With my heart pounding, I removed it, holding it out to him.

He turned it over in his hands. "Ordinarily, I would use this power to make myself grow gigantic, maybe make a few planets collide with each other while I laugh like a madman. I might do that later, but for the time being, I need to conserve energy."

The man placed my crown on a pedestal that seemed designed for this exact purpose. "I've been planning something like this for a long time. I hope your decision makes you as happy as it will make me. I can't say the same for this world. In fact, I suspect once you vanish from this reality, the forces of nature will stop functioning and I will cease to exist."

He sighed, patting me on the back. "Good luck."

He donned his mask and helmet, raising his staff as he uttered scary sounding Latin phrases. One of the mirrors filled with swirling purple smoke. He gestured to it. "Quick! Through there! I cannot maintain this for long!"

Then, the moment I touched the frame, "Wait. You're going to need to disrobe."

I blushed. "Excuse me?"

"I can't predict what armor will do to your body when you cross over. It's possible it could crumple unpleasantly and destroy your internal organs. I highly recommend removing your clothing as fast as you can and stepping through at once!"

I'd given up so much already that humiliating myself in this way seemed a small sacrifice.

Although it would greatly please the scoundrel who had taken over my golem, and the scoundrel in the robe, I did what was asked, stepping nude through the mirror portal.

I found myself standing on a fluffy gray rug in a little room with a sloping ceiling. 

No music, only chirping birds. Through a window I could see a large tree and a brick wall. On a dresser stood a framed picture of the Shadow King's palace, connected by cords to a small white jewelry container labeled X-Box. The object glowed with supernatural green light.

The picture changed before my very eyes. An earthquake struck, chunks of the ceiling falling thunderously around the Shadow King...Then everything stopped moving.

The view magically changed to my parents, the King and Queen, frozen like statues in the throne room. 

They and everyone in the royal court suddenly turned into sculptures formed from tiny square blocks.

Shuddering, I looked elsewhere, staring at a ceiling covered in bumpy dots. I examined the frameless paintings affixed to the walls.

The owner of the dwelling seemed to worship long haired men with dark face paint, and female warriors.

"Are you the lady from my brother's game?"

A little blonde girl had approached me, clad in a tunic decorated in images of large eyed woodland creatures and rainbows. 

I stared. "Your brother...Is his name Dude?"

The girl giggled. "No. It's Todd. He's twelve. Just because he asks to see your boobies doesn't mean you should."

The comment made me blush. "I did not do this for him. I did it for Dude. I made a deal with the Shadow King."

She appeared to understand. "Oh. Sorry to hear that." The child wrinkled her face at my unclothed appearance. She offered me a bed covering adorned with images of gods in colorful jester outfits. "Here. You can wear Todd's Marvel blanket until I get you a dress from mommy's closet. He's out walking Trixie, but he won't mind if I tell him a nekkid lady was wearing it."

I draped myself in it. "Thank you." As she neared the door, I asked, "Where is Dude? I must see him at once!"

The girl furrowed her brow, appearing to think hard about it. "I...don't know who you're talking about. Dude is just a thing people say, like `Bro.'"

"Baby doll, who is it that you're talking to up there?"

"Nobody!" she shouted through the doorway. "Just a nekkid lady from Todd's video game!"

I heard footsteps on a hollow staircase, then an overweight man with a short haircut appeared in the hallway.

Bearded, thick jowled, wearing a tunic with a helmeted pirate on it. Appropriate, since he wore baggy pirate pants. One hand clutched a chrome cylinder labeled Pabst Blue Ribbon.

When he saw me, his jaw dropped, his eyes getting a haunted look. He nearly dropped the cylinder. "Rosella?"

I swallowed. "Dude?"

"You're real! Damn video game character, and you're actually real!"

I nodded, trying not to frown too much. Despite the rather...unusual appearance, the Dude I knew had a heart that would more than compensate. Over time, I would surely learn to love the other things unconditionally. "I do not know what a video game is, but if you are truly Dude, you have not written to me for ten thousand days. I wish to know why, for I thought we—"

The man scowled. "Ten...thousand?" He counted something on his fingers, rubbed his beard thoughtfully.

I ventured a guess: "Time...is not the same here?"

A heavyset blonde woman marched up beside him. She had little objects in her hair, possibly for the function of curling. A rectangular yellow man adorned her tunic, and her leggings looked appropriate for a harlequin.   

The moment she saw me, she took on the facial expression of a threatened cat. "Robert, what is this naked woman doing in our house!"