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Submitted into Contest #78 in response to: Write about someone who keeps picking up different hobbies but never manages to stick with them.... view prompt

43 comments

Fiction Funny

**This book may be so funny you fall out of your seat. Be careful. Please. Wear a helmet or something.**


Hi. I'm Evelyn Dupont. This is my list of tried-and-true hobbies that I just can't stick with. I beg of you, don't try this at home. Unless... No. Just trust me. Don't try any of these. Ever.


1.Bowling. Bowling can be fun until you find out you're allergic to food dye the hard way. And to think I liked slushies. Also, I'm famous in my family for being the only one that has ever underhand-thrown the bowling ball. And, ah, hitting an employee.


2. Pottery. I honestly don't even know why I tried this one. I probably should have listened to that mean old Karen and put on an apron or two. Or five.


3. Baking. I somehow accidentally put my oven on 3500 degrees instead of 350; my house wasn't in good shape after. I also sent my poor boyfriend Tony to the hospital after. He dumped me after he recovered. Yeah, that's right, men. I'm available.


4. Make-up. I ruined that poor girl's face. I don't think she'll ever be coming to that salon anymore. I mean, I was pretty good at it. I didn't necessarily kill anyone. No one saw. No one even looks in the janitor's closet. I watched James Charles, I don't know what went wrong!


5. Karate. Daniel-san made it look so easy! It's a good thing I took a beginner's class. For first graders. I probably looked dumb, though. The moms there were all snobby Karens. *overly dramatic eye roll*


6-7. YouTubing. Cat memes and YouTube DO NOT mix. I repeat- cat memes and YouTube DO NOT mix! People online can be mean. Especially cat-lovers and old grandmas.


8. Calligraphy. I didn't really know how monstrous my handwriting was until I saw the comments on Instagram. I'd rather not say what they were. It's for the best.


9. Fantasy sports. I don't understand anything sports. If it has a ball in it, I'm already confused. What's a field goal? A conversion? A penalty kick? A triple-bogie? A spike? A dig? A three-pointer? Traveling? Sports are weird. How am I supposed to know how many points they score?


10. Camping. I can't even- it's so funny. I went camping with my dog, Dottie. We were having fun until we found after we came back from fishing, a dozen or so hornets had decided to stay in our tent. I'm never going camping again, so DON'T ask.


11. Gaming. Tony bought some P-S-5 thingie. How does it work? I don't know. I tried to play some game called Fart-night; I have to like, move some person around and get stuff. I think. I don't know. There's also this game called Madden. My enemy. It's SPORTS. Ha, I don't even know how to work that button-controlly thing!


12. Axe throwing. I know, I know. It's random. And not smart. I dislocated my left arm(yes, I'm a leftie) twice. And I almost hit that poor guy named Adam. I think he's in therapy now. I'm not sure. I might be mental help counseling.


13. Cards. Can I say one thing? I suck at cards. Mainly because I don't know what I'm doing, but mostly because I'm so confused with what anything means or how to use the cards. Is it like matching? Then I'm in. As long as there's no betting on thousands of dollars.


14. Speed eating. I entered in dozens of contests, never eating more than a few bites. Pies, hotdogs, cakes, prime rib. Ugh, it's making me sick just thinking about it. Bleh.


15. Cooking. I literally set my house on fire trying to make souffle. No joke. I also sent Tony to the ER with salmonella; I was trying to make chicken parmesan. He broke up with me after; that's why I did 16.


16. Online Dating. Yes. I tried to find someone online; little did I know that it was actually a Ukrainian dating site. For dogs. How do dogs online date? I honestly have no idea. I'll bet Dottie has an account.


17. Writing letters to random addresses. Yep, I did that for a while. Most people wrote back and said they weren't interested(which I laughed at) or they were already dating. Some of my letters went to Mexico! The letters came back in Spanish; I typed them up on Google Translate and boy, those letters left me scarred for life.


18. Snorkeling. Ah, snorkeling. Which also means braving the deep blue sea. And sharks, jellyfish, eels. I took snorkeling lessons and embarrassed myself in front of the cute swim instructor, blowing my chance for a boyfriend.


19. BMX. Ah, yes, the motorsport that broke both my arms and ribcage. I was the only person that steered off the track(and the only one that accidentally did a 360). Not fun, guys. Not. Fun.


20. Candle making. Let me explain this in three words. Down. In. Flames. Not good for the little bit of an ego that I have.


21. Couponing. I found out that all of my coupons had expired after I paid $4,926.01 at Walmart. The cashier thought I was crazy. I know I am. Those coupon shows are probably all fake.


23. Podcasting. Guess how many likes I got? None. No views, no likes, no comments. How rude. My podcast was supposed to be like Emma Chamberlain's but I guess that didn't work...


24. Sewing. Oh, sewing. Might, just might, be my least favorite. I tried to sew a doll for my niece and it looked like Jabba the Hutt, Edna Mode and Chucky had a baby. Not very kid-friendly. I scarred the sewing teacher for life. She most likely won't recover.


25. Ah, the last one that I am currently going through now. Blogging. I think, maybe, I'll stick with blogging. But just in case, what should I try next?



Comment below which one was your favorite or if one of these is your hobby! Hope you liked it!

January 27, 2021 19:39

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43 comments

Lucia :)
19:43 Jan 27, 2021

Please lmk if there are any mistakes! I'll gladly accept :)

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THIS IS ME

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Lucia :)
19:39 Feb 24, 2021

AHHHHH SAMEEE

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ONLY I DON'T GET HURT

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Lucia :)
19:53 Feb 24, 2021

AHAH I DO

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ACTUALLY I DID DRING BAKING

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Lucia :)
13:06 Feb 25, 2021

hehe MWAHAHA

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20:52 Apr 01, 2021

This was so funny! I remember wanting to do this contest but not knowing what to write about. I should've thought of this! SO FUNNY AND CLEVER

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Lucia :)
22:46 Apr 01, 2021

Hahahaha TYYY!!! <3

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Mystic Darling
20:40 May 02, 2021

I should've worn that helmet.

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Lucia :)
22:24 May 02, 2021

Bahahah fr!

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Show 1 reply

🍑🍑🍑🍑

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Lucia :)
13:21 Jan 29, 2021

Ahhhhh you saw it! Yay, tysm! <33

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🍑, I'd love to have seen music on this list... all the things I've learned that are wrong... ap music theory really does scare you! Axe throwing sounds fun, but what about archery? Honestly, you could have gone to 100! (But... that might make Evelyn break every bone in her body, burn down her house again... and maybe start the apocalypse)

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Lucia :)
13:44 Jan 28, 2021

Haha! One of my hobbies is actually singing. I know, I might make a second book about Evelyn's list of maybe, like, amazing hobbies? AHAH, SOOO TRUE!! Tysm for the feedback! I appreciate it! <33

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Maya
01:38 Jan 28, 2021

🍑🍑🍑

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Lucia :)
13:44 Jan 28, 2021

Omg, you saw it! Tysm!!

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Maya
14:00 Jan 28, 2021

Np! :)

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Lucia :)
00:13 Jan 28, 2021

Thanks! I worked really hard on it! Evelyn is a fun-loving character who tries lots of things.

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