115 comments

American Coming of Age Middle School

Author's Note: I am very aware that this story does not go with the prompt, I just wanted to get this submitted. Want to know why? Because this is the start of my novel! Give me hard, critical critique. Some compliments are okay, but mostly critique. Please. And thanks for reading!


Introduction


I was never normal. People whispered behind my back, called me names. If they only knew I heard those whispers. Most of the bullies who whispered behind my back were the ones who were insecure, and took joy in making others feel more insecure. Even though I didn’t show it, these people hurt my feelings. They made me feel like I was lower than them. Like I was just some scum on the floor that they had the liberty to kick at it, rub it the wrong way. Like I wasn’t human.

In my mind, I attempted to think that these people were all just playing this huge prank on me, and someday they would stop and say that they truly liked me, and that they wanted to be friends. But in my heart, I knew that it wasn’t a prank. I knew that these people didn’t like me. In fact, they hated me.

A funny word, that is, hate. You can tell your mother that you hate her, but you know you love her. You can tell your best friend that you hate them, but tomorrow you’ll be closer than ever. You can tell your siblings that you hate them, but you know that you’ll always be there for each other. But then it comes to me and the other people. Those other people, they truly hate me. They hate me with all of their heart.

But, for whatever reason, when I had to leave those other people, I didn’t want to.


Chapter 1


“Liv! Breakfast is ready! Noah! Breakfast!” Dad called.

I slid my Pura Vida wave ring on, straightened my shirt, and tightened my ponytail before walking out of my room, and into the hallway that led to the stairs. When I walked into the hallway, I was met with the sad sight of my younger brother Noah in his pajamas with bed-head hair.

“Noah, you know Dad isn’t going to let you go downstairs where people could see you from outside on a day like this, dressed like that. Go back in your room, change, comb out your hair, then try to come down, you Oompa Loompa.” I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms as Noah looked at me with a dumbfounded look on his face. Despite that, he turned around and walked back into his bedroom.

With a look of triumph on my face, I walked downstairs and to the dining table. My mom was already sitting at the table, and my dad was in the process of cooking breakfast. I sat down across from my mom, who was devouring an omelet.

“Good morning, Mom. Hey, Dad. Oh, that smells good.” Raising my body from my chair a bit, I looked at the breakfast display. A smile played on my lips at the thought of a homemade breakfast.

“Yup. Special occasion, special food.” Dad placed two plates of waffles and omelets at the center of the table with a smile, and I pounced on it. As I shoved a piece of the waffle into my mouth, Noah came rushing down the stairs. For once, he was dressed in not-ripped jeans and a nice polo shirt. Plus, Noah’s hair was swooping to one side with gel.

“Special occasion, Noah actually cares about how he dresses,” I giggled. Noah shot a glare at me as he sat down next to Mom.


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November 05, 2020 20:45

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115 comments

B. W.
21:23 Nov 05, 2020

I honestly can't find anything wrong with this, I know ya want some critique for it but I'm kinda bad at it, I know some others will probably come and say some other stuff though. This was just a bit of chapter 1, but I can already tell that this will be a really great novel ^^ I still couldn't find really wrong with anything, but I guess you should just watch out for spelling errors or anything like that when you work on the novel.

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21:35 Nov 05, 2020

Thank you so much, B.!

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B. W.
21:49 Nov 05, 2020

No problem ^^ how many chapters do ya think there'll be in the novel?

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23:43 Nov 05, 2020

No idea.

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B. W.
23:45 Nov 05, 2020

are ya possibly writing it on the reedsy book editor thing?

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21:35 Nov 06, 2020

No.

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Ariadne .
00:56 Nov 06, 2020

You asked for harsh critique, so I must oblige. Here goes! Most of the bullies who whispered behind my back were the ones who were insecure, and took joy in making others feel more insecure. ~ No comma necessary. In my mind, I attempted to think that these people were all just playing this huge prank on me, and someday they would stop and say that they truly liked me, and that they wanted to be friends. ~ It's a little too long. Try this: In my mind, I attempted to think that those people were all just playing this huge prank on me. So...

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21:35 Nov 06, 2020

Oh, me gosh! I am so happy that you did this! Everything that you said was amazing, and made sense to me. I am still a young writer, so the things you pointed out were things that I wouldn't notice. THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I will definitely fix those mistakes. :D

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Ariadne .
23:46 Nov 06, 2020

I'm glad I could help! It's a big thing to start a novel, and I'm glad you embarked on the journey. I wish you the best of luck! <3

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01:28 Nov 07, 2020

It IS a big thing. I'm glad, too, though. Thank you! <3

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01:39 Nov 07, 2020

Also, I updated/edited the writing! If you could re-read it, that would be great. If not, that's okay, too. Thanks!

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Amaya .
21:31 Nov 05, 2020

Hey Brooke, I really liked this tbh, but since it's your novel, I'm going to go a bit hard one you. "I grabbed a waffle, put it on my plate, then cut a piece of omelet, and put it next to the waffle on the plate." You could just say, "I grabbed a plate and loaded it with waffles and omelets," or you could say, "I grabbed a plate and loaded it with a waffle and an omelet." This is a bit less tedious to read and has fewer unnecessary details. I honestly think an even better way to do this would just be to cut out the sentence...

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21:34 Nov 05, 2020

Hi, Amaya! Wow. This was the best critique that I have EVER gotten. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you some more. I will definitely change my writing a bit and use your suggestions. What you said definitely makes sense. Anyway, thank you again! -Brooke

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Amaya .
22:26 Nov 05, 2020

awww ofc! <3

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19:30 Nov 07, 2020

Amazing job, Brooke! This is very short, though (not in a bad way!)! :)

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20:59 Nov 07, 2020

Thanks so much! Yeah, it is short because that is all that I have written so far. :D

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B. W.
18:16 Nov 06, 2020

Hey brooke ^^ what do ya think about the new prompts?

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21:29 Nov 06, 2020

I haven't checked them yet. I will now.

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B. W.
21:49 Nov 06, 2020

tell me what ya think, i kinda like all of em ^^

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01:27 Nov 07, 2020

Okay.

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Lauren :)
00:50 Nov 06, 2020

Thank you Brooke for following me!!! Loved the story! Especially the extra words part :)

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21:35 Nov 06, 2020

You are welcome! And thanks! XD

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B. W.
01:56 Nov 09, 2020

Hey, i just thought of something that me and you could possibly do together, it would be fun ^^

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20:35 Nov 09, 2020

Hi. And that is?

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B. W.
20:36 Nov 09, 2020

maybe we could try to write a story together or something?

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22:14 Nov 10, 2020

Okay! What would it be about? It can't be Greek mythology, because I am very bad at that.

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B. W.
22:39 Nov 10, 2020

Just about anything or something, we both find a prompt that we both like or something, then we think of a plot and all that, one of us makes part 1 and the other makes part 2.

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22:42 Nov 10, 2020

That would be great! We can do it next week since we wouldn't have time this week.

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B. W.
03:57 Nov 08, 2020

do ya maybe wanna hear a joke or something?

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03:58 Nov 08, 2020

Um. Sure.

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B. W.
04:01 Nov 08, 2020

Knock knock

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04:03 Nov 08, 2020

Who's there?

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B. W.
04:08 Nov 08, 2020

harry

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04:20 Nov 08, 2020

Harry who?

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B. W.
01:28 Nov 08, 2020

Brooke ^^ could ya check out "Otherworldly repairs" and then leave some feedback on it?

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03:55 Nov 08, 2020

Um, okay.

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B. W.
03:57 Nov 08, 2020

Thanks, im excited to see what ya think ^^

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03:58 Nov 08, 2020

No problem.

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B. W.
10:24 Nov 07, 2020

Hey, do ya think you could maybe help me with something if that's alright? its sorta with a new story

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Amaya .
21:31 Nov 06, 2020

Brooke check out my new bioooo

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21:31 Nov 06, 2020

Okay!

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Amaya .
21:33 Nov 06, 2020

which one do you think is most like you? or me? or which mixes of two or three do you think we are? <333

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02:00 Nov 07, 2020

I don't know! I am definitely all of them put together. Can there be a white that is all of them combined? Please? XD I think that you are 'peach'. From what I know, I feel like it describes you. :D

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Amaya .
02:01 Nov 07, 2020

i would do that but I feel like it defeats the purpose, yk? like the categorizing. bc then everyone would pick white, and it wouldn't be as fun, yk?

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14:20 Nov 07, 2020

That makes sense. If I had to choose, I feel like I would be a mix between cherry red and muted red. What do you think I would be?

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Amaya .
02:02 Nov 07, 2020

AWWW I WISH I WAS PEACHHHH thank youuu <3 I'm actually a combination of lavender and muted red, with a biiit more muted red. just a teensy bit tho. that's what my rl friends say but idk

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14:22 Nov 07, 2020

You're welcome! <3 Well, since I don't know you in real life, I wouldn't know either, but I feel like that WOULD describe you. I guess I just didn't think about those two before for you.

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Hey Brooke! I'm sorta back, I've been busy with school. Great story! Hope you're doing okay. Also, thanks for putting me in your bio! You've grown so much since April. I remember reading your "Forest People" story when I first joined (I think it's one of your first stories). Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Ex...

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21:53 Nov 16, 2020

Hi, Peachy! I am so glad you're back. I've been busy with school as well. Thank you! I am doing okay, how about you? You are so welcome! You deserve it! It makes me smile to think you've been here since then. :D By the way, my favorite part of this comment was... Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Ex...

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Lol! And also... Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words Extra words

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21:51 Nov 18, 2020

XD

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Megan Sutherland
14:43 Nov 08, 2020

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY A CLIFFHANGER?!?!?! XD Brooke, this is an amazingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg start to the novel! You open up well, drawing the reader in with a kind of sad fact about the character, making the reader sympathize with her. That's great. I know you didn't want critique, but I mean. Really. There is no critique here. Your bestie, Megan S. (btw. Do you mind if I submit the first chapter of my own novel? I might not do it for sure, but it was your idea, soooooooooo I wanted to ask.)

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14:49 Nov 08, 2020

XD Meg, you always leave the best comments in the world. You are so sweet, and I appreciate this so much. Thank you! Also, I definitely don't mind! Do what you want! I am so excited to read it! :D Your bestie, Brooke D. (Btw, I am going to read your new story SOON. I've been super busy.)

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Megan Sutherland
14:56 Nov 08, 2020

Okiiiii, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess what? I'm going downstate to visit my grandma in two weeks, I am soooo excited!

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14:58 Nov 08, 2020

No prob!!!!!!!!!!!! That is awesome! Have fun!

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Megan Sutherland
14:59 Nov 08, 2020

:DDDDDDDDDDDDD

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Sihia Sunrise
22:42 Nov 07, 2020

Hey Brooke!! I'm so happy for you!! You are writing a novel!! I really thought this was a great start and I can't wait to read more! Will you be publishing it on Amazon or something like that so I will get to read it?

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03:59 Nov 08, 2020

Hi, Sihia! Thank you! It is a possiblity that I will officially publish it, but I would have to talk to my family about it. If I don't, I am already planning on submitting the entire thing in segments here on Reedsy.

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Amaya .
02:36 Dec 10, 2020

if you decide to publish it, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't do the segment thing.

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22:22 Dec 11, 2020

What do you mean? What would you like me to do instead?

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Amaya .
02:06 Dec 12, 2020

i mean if you decide that you want to actually publish it (like KDP or real publishing or whatever) i wouldn't do the segment thing

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13:03 Dec 12, 2020

Oh, I'm not. When I said I would post it in segments, I meant that I would post it part by part here on Reedsy.

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