In my heart

The sunrise casts brilliant colours across the horizon, and the view really warms me from the inside. The Orange and Red come together to make an alluring landscape. My best friend, Cree, sits next to me on the luscious green grass, his knees tucked up towards his chin. I smile at him, and he smiles back through his drooping brown eyes. My back to the beautiful Maple tree from behind me, I continue to gaze at the fleeting colours smeared over the sky. Moments like these, I realize, are the ones I love the most. I care about Cree so much, and to spend time with him in a peaceful way is the best.

I look at Cree again and see his dark brown hair flowing slightly in the cool wind, and his eyes closed. His delicate frame is hunched a little in the sitting position he's in. His lips are curled a bit in a simple smile, and it triggers my own mouth to curve upwards.

"Hey, Cree," I whisper, breaking the tranquil silence. He turns to me, his hollow orbs sending small goosebumps to prick my skin. "Do you like this?"

He opens his eyes to roll them but lets the smile still dance across his lips. "What do you think?" He asks back, his soft voice barely heard through my laughter.

"Right, right," I say once my chuckles have died down, "Yeah, you like this."

He nods firmly, "Of course I do, Gabriel. You know I like spending time with you."

This makes me smile even wider, and I crawl across the grass to move closer to Cree. He looks up at me, his thin eyebrows furrowed as if he’s concentrating on something. That worries me, so I put a hand on his frail shoulder, "You alright?" I ask.

Cree has always had fragile health. Recently, he has been diagnosed with Sickle Cell disease, which is the reason I've cleared up my schedule to be able to hang out with him more often. I've prayed every night that he'll get better, but I know that his disease is something deadly.

Cree pushes my hand away in annoyance, "I'm fine. Stop acting like my mom, Gabriel."

Despite his harsh words, I don't back away. Instead, I look him straight in the eye, making sure my message is clear, "Cree, I worry 'cause I care," I say, "So please if anything's wrong, tell me. I'm your best friend, and I'll help you, no matter what."

Cree's eyes soften somewhat, and he lets out a quivering sigh, "Yeah," he murmurs, burying his face in his arms, "I'm sorry."

I nudge him, allowing a grin to take place on my face, "There's no need to be sorry, Cree." I say. He nods, but I know he isn't happy anymore.

So, I point towards a familiar lake beneath the hill that we're sitting on, "We should go swimming there someday." I say, "Just me and you."

Cree frowns, "But that's private property, Gabriel. We'll get in trouble if we swim there."

I shrug, putting on my most charming smile, "We won't get in trouble if we don't get caught."

He snorts, "Sure, whatever. Some other time, though. I don't want to catch a cold."

I nod, "Of course."

And we sit again in pleasant silence. Just Cree and I. Like it should always be.

___

Cree’s brown eyes are wide as he stares at the big black building before us. Bustling crowds of high schoolers swarm around the both of us, and I can tell that he’s more than just a little intimidating. Our first year as high school students is exciting to me, but it’s a bit frightening for my best friend. 

I turn to Cree, and give him the most reassuring smile I could muster, “Can you believe it? Us, high schoolers!” I say eagerly. He tries to smile back, but it doesn’t reach his face. 

I let out a small puff of air, before holding out my hand to him. He looks at both his sides frantically, making sure no one is watching us, “Idiot!” he hisses, blushing profusely, “You don’t act like that at our age!”

I laugh, “Who cares, Cree. You shouldn’t worry about other people’s thoughts about you.” I’m about to add “‘cause you’re an awesome guy”, but hold it back, knowing that Cree would get pissed for embarrassing him with those words. Especially in front of other high schoolers. 

So, instead, I pat him on the back, “Don’t worry, Cree. I’ll be here all the time. Nothing will happen to you.”

He glares at me, though I can see in his eyes that he’s grateful for the words I just gave him. 

I grin, and this time he returns my smile. I know that high school will be like a piece of cake when I’m with Cree. We can deal with anything when we’re together. 

---

Cree didn’t tell me at first that he was being bullied. He kept it a secret, but I knew. I knew from the bruises on his arms, and the way he kept avoiding me. And I knew from the tears he tried to hide, and his mood swings. Not to mention the fact that his Sickle Cell disease was worsening by the day. All of it was enough to make me cry out in worry for my best friend. 

I didn’t know where I went wrong. I always did my best to be around Cree, and to make sure he was alright. Was it the Soccer matches I played in that took time away from him? Or was it all the clubs that I signed up for?

Either way, I blamed myself for it all. 

“Cree…” I say, my voice cracking a little. Cree and I are in the neighbourhood park, him sitting on the swing quietly. He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t even want to. “Cree, please stop avoiding me. I’m your friend, Cree. Why won’t you tell me anything?” All these emotions inside my heart make me want to wail. Don’t I mean anything to you, Cree? I think sadly Don’t I matter to you, just as you do for me?

Cree remains silent, except coughing every once in a while. He’s sick, hurt, scared...and he won’t let me help him at all. 

I’m close to tears now as I take a hesitant step towards him. I clench my fists, feeling so frustrated. Why won’t you even look at me? 

When I reach him, I see his head hung low, letting his hair fall over his eyes. I squat so that I can gaze into his brown orbs, and I see tears streaming from them. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, “I’m sorry for everything, Gabriel. I’m…” his voice wavers as newly made tears slip from his hooded eyes, “I’m sorry.” he sobs. 

I immediately wrap my arms around him, biting my lips. I expected Cree to lash out, not break down like this. This isn’t how he acts. 

We stay in this position until Cree calms down a little. Once he does, we begin to walk home together. Halfway to our houses, I turn to him, “Cree,” I say seriously, “Please tell me who hurts you. Tell me, and I’ll deal with whoever they are.”

Cree looks up at me through wet, sick eyes, before sighing resignedly, “I...okay.” he gulps, “They’re four of them.”

He tells me their names and gives me a description of how they look. I mentally note it all down, making sure to give them one hell of a beating tomorrow at school. They’ll never even think to touch Cree ever again. 

When I tell him this, Cree laughs, “I feel like tomorrow will be a good day.” he whispers. 

---

It’s in our Junior year when Cree’s disease gets worse. He’s been doubling over in pain more often, and he’s been getting infections. And unlike me who has been going through puberty just fine, Cree has remained nearly the same as he was back in grade seven. It worried so much, and it didn’t help that each time I asked him about it, he refused to say anything. Cree has always been hard-headed and stubborn, but this isn’t right. 

Finally, things became too much for Cree, and he was the one who told me everything. And that’s why the next day he’s in the hospital. 

----

I spent most of my days next to Cree in his hospital bed. We talked like we always did, except it was nowhere near the same. I was able to see the swelling in his feet and hands, and his tanned complexion becoming pale. And his eyes were what hurt me the most. His big, brown orbs were hooded and hollow. Sure, they looked sick even before he got Sickle Cell disease, but they weren’t as bad as this. 

Cree’s mother would cry almost all the time, making it hard for him to deal with it. I guess none of us knew how bad he was until the doctors moved him to the Intensive Care Unit. Visits were few, and it took all my willpower to not cry right there and then. 

----

Cree passed away a month before our Senior year. A month before we were to be the kings of our High school. A month before I realized just how much he mattered in my life. 

The funeral was the worst part. The fact that it was Cree who was in the coffin, the one that was being buried six feet into the soil was heartbreaking.

I dropped out of high school then. My parents screamed at me for it, but I didn’t care. Why should I? My best friend is dead. So what’s the point? 

And now I’m walking through the streets, the lamp posts shining down on me, just like in a movie, if you count out that this is real life. 

My hands stuffed in my jeans’ pockets, I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I curse silently as they drip from my cheeks, wiping them furiously with the back of my hand. Still, they don’t stop. 

How many times have I cried over Cree? I completely lost count. It makes sense though because he meant the world to me. No one can fill the gap in my heart now that Cree is gone. It hurts so much to think of my best friend dead. It feels...unreal. 

I whip my head up when something catches my eye. My tears dry quickly when I realize what it is. Memories of a gorgeous sunset and Cree flash through my head as I stumble up the grassy hill. Nothing else is on my mind as I reach the top. 

Taking a deep breath, I look down at everything. The endless stretch of houses. The wide field of flowers. And, I see with gut-wrenching emotion, the lake. The one Cree and I were supposed to swim in. 

Step after step, I walk towards the pristine water, and memory after memory flashes in my head. Cree’s fragile face, his drooping brown eyes. His laugh, his small smile, his sick expression. Hospitals, tears, pain, anger. Chuckles, grins, jokes. Everything that makes up Cree. 

Eventually, I make it to the bottom of the hill, where the lake is situated. My knees hit the ground as I gaze at the water. A smile forms on my lips, salty tears falling from my eyes again. But this time, I don’t mind. I let them flow freely down my face. Because Cree wouldn't have wanted me to cry in sorrow. So I’ll cry happily instead. 

My sobs have become uncontrollable now, but I still don’t try to stop it. It’s fine, I repeat in my head. It’s fine. Cree is alright.

It takes a couple of minutes before I stop crying. I sit comfortably on the grass, hands in my lap. Cree isn’t gone for good. He’s in my heart. Always will be. 

Finally, I smile properly. And as I watch the white moon reflect off the crystal clear water, I whisper in the dark, “I feel like tomorrow will be a good day,”