Let's Steal A Deal

“He’s gonna take the deal. I just know it.”

“Then, beat him to it, Tom, old chap.”

“I can’t betray him.”

“Oh, so you want to be the fall guy, do you?”

“No! I just can’t do it!”

“Tom, it’s pretty simple, dear boy. If Eric here takes the deal, then… you go for curtain number two or three. Or you take the deal and leave his fate in his own hands.”

“Can I just have a little more time to decide?”

“Certainly…

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls watching at home. Will Eric take the deal of a cruising lifetime, or will it be curtains for Tom? We’ll be back after these words from our sponsors. Stay tuned to, Let’s Steal A Deal…!

We out? Marvellous… Ok, what’s the problem, Tom?”

“I just can’t decide which deal to take, Wayne.”

“Well, it looks like you’re both winners, old chum. It’s all about choices, now. Think it over, while I head to the men’s room.”

“Tom!”

“Eric.”

“Ain’t this a blast?”

“I don’t really want to be here. You do realise both our mugs are gonna get beamed to every household and cop shop in the country, right?”

“We’re not wanted for anyfin, Tom.”

“That’s because our faces haven’t been seen, Eric.”

“You gonna take the deal or go for the curtain?”

“What? I dunno. Why are we here?”

“I’m goin’ for the cruise, mate. Me mum will love it.”

“You want to take your mum on a love boat cruise?”

“Yeah, it’s twin beds, innit. We get one each.”

“What if you meet someone and want to… you know, go deep sea diving?”

“I’ll just tell me mum the bingo’s on. That’ll get rid of her for a while.”

“Oh yes, of course.  I can hear the bingo caller now. Glass of wine, sixty-nine! Better still. What if your mum meets someone and wants to play Port to Starboard with them?”

“..Stop there, Tom. I don’t even wanna entertain that thought.”

“But she’s in her prime, mate.”

“And still fucking married, too!”

“So, send both your parents on the cruise!”

“What, and miss all the fun? Anyway, me old man has always said he gets ill on cruises.”

“When has your old man ever been on a cruise?”

“The ferry… to the Isle of Wight. He got seasick on that one. Said it was the longest forty-five minutes he ever spent on a ship.”

“Your dad was in the home guard during the war. What other ships has he ever sailed on?”

“Just that one.”

“Can we just leave, please?”

“Not before we decide on a cruise or a curtain.”

“Then decide, Eric.”

“What do you want me to choose?”

“Let me have the cruise. You pick a curtain.”

“Which one?”

“I dunno. Two!”

“Two? I don’t like the look of Two.”

“Three, then. Unless you’re trying to trick me.”

“Why would I do that, Tom?”

“Coz, you want the cruise.”

“If you’re in such a hurry, why did you trade in your first prize for a crack at a curtain?”

“I thought it would hurry things along. Anyway, I didn’t want the stupid prize.”

“That’s funny, mate. You ever wonder ‘ow they get their prizes donated these days?”

“Don’t care. Sponsors, I think they call ‘em.”

“Yeah, but this show’s had more cars and boats and cruises than any other show. I mean, it’s a bit like the yanks’ game shows, but this is Britain in 1973, Tom. We’re relatively a cheap-thinking country.”

“I dunno. Donations?”

“Did you not recognise the jewellery prize earlier?”

“Was I supposed to?”

“You was the one that knocked ‘em off, mate.”

“What do you mean?”

“The gemstone caper, remember?”

“Wait…That was…?”

“Yep.”

“You mean, those gold earrings and necklaces are…”

“Hot as anything… that’s hot. And that silver dinnerware you swapped for the chance at the big prize. Remember that?”

“Where’d that come from?”

“The stately home we turned over last month.”

“Hang on! I thought we handed them over to Freddie the Fence?”

“Yeah, who in turn, sold ‘em to this show.”

“Bleedin’ heck, Eric. You mean, this game show is nothing but a televised fencing operation?”

“Clever, innit?”

“Does Wayne know?”

“The host? Cor, he’s more bent than a curve on a Roman road.”

“Did you know?”

“Why do you think we’re here, mate?”

“What are you up to, Eric?”

“…Ready, Wayne?”

“Gentlemen. Man seen about a dog accomplished. Are we ready for the finale?”

“Commercials finished?”

“We’re not live, Tom. The show is taped, then edited later. It means we can cut any bits out that don’t necessarily work. It also helps to create a dumbing-down entertainment narrative for our viewers.”

“Are all the prizes, erm…”

“Anonymously appropriated rewards? Yes. We’ve been punching above our expected weight for a while, unable to produce honest donated goods. If we don’t come up with a plan to deliver what we promise, I’m afraid the Entertainment Standards Commission may cancel the show. Worse still, they might haul us all up in front of a judge for fraudulent undertakings, as only small prizes and the booby prize have been won to-date.”

 “So, this is all a front.”

“Sorry to say. We just can’t compete with the Generation Game or Sale of The Century.”

“The cruise and big prize?”

“Pure fantasy, Tom. With the exception being the top prize this week. In an effort to boost ratings, we’re offering up a car.”

“Wait, hang on, there, Wayne, mate. You mean there’s no cruise?”

“There! I knew it, Eric. You were going to choose the cruise, weren’t you! You sneaky little bugger.”

“I was looking forward to all that free food and drink.”

“If there’s no cruise, then how are you going to explain that to your audience?”

“That’s why the two of you are on this week’s show, Tom.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Whomever chooses the cruise, will be persuaded to trade it in for a chance at the grand prize curtain. Ratings are down, and we’ve been accused of cheating our contestants out of extravagant prizes.”

“How do you manage to keep them happy?”

“Cash in hand, Tom. They’re all on our payroll. Most contestants are provided by Freddie the Fence. So, they all have similar backgrounds to yourselves.”

“For once, I thought our luck was in, Eric. But it’s just another one of your stupid schemes. If you wanted to implicate us in major fraud, it would have been simpler to just stick our photos up on the post office noticeboard with a sign that says, Guilty!”

“I seriously thought… I mean… a cruise, Tom. Who wouldn’t be enticed by that.”

“Look, chaps. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

“Why’s that?”

“For your efforts and discretion, you’re each going home with three hundred pounds in your pockets.”

“See, Tom? We’re not goin’ home empty-handed.”

“They’re paying for our silence, Eric. By taking that payment, we’re liable in any future prosecution.”

“Well, it pays for my closed gob here, and an open one drinking down the pub. So, what’s the big prize, Wayne?”

“A brand-new Jag.”

“Who stole that?”

“There’s no underhanded act of acquisition, there. It’s mine. Without a car dealer onboard, we’ve had to improvise. And improvise we have. So, don’t do anything foolish, because it’s fresh off the production line.”

“What curtain?”

“Three, Eric. So, pick number two, please.”

“What’s behind Two?”

“Booby prize, Eric. Okay, I need to prep for the next segment. I’ll see you both on stage in a few, alright?”

“Will do, Wayne… What d’ya think, Tom?

“I don’t trust him, Eric. He’ll have us on camera accepting the cash, covering his arse. Plus, he wants us as eye sympathy for his tv audience. They might be getting tired of no big prizes being won, but the British do like an ooh, aah, and never mind, when people miss out on their dreams. Gives them something to feel better about themselves with.”

“I know, mate. This country loves to identify with failure.”

“This is a waste of time, Eric. How’d you get us mixed up in all of this?”

“Freddie the Fence was feelin’ a bit of heat comin’ down on him from the filth, so I happened to mention that me Uncle Charlie knew someone that knew someone that knew Wayne’s show needed help, and that it would be like washing pilfered loot on telly without one bit of suspicion drawn to us. But for it to be convincing, the show needed contestants that were sort of in on the cover-up – so to speak. An inside job, but to an outside perspective; they’d look like normal contestants.”

“Maybe they should call the show, Let’s deal a steal, instead.”

“Nice one, but Steal A Deal is all about tricking your opponent into choosing the wrong prize.”

“Thanks for explaining that, Eric.”

“Welcome.”

“Perhaps, you’d also be so kind as to explain to me how a kettle boils.”

“Yeah, sure, Tom. You see, heat generated from..”

“..Shut the fuck up, Eric.”

“Oh, I see. You knew that already. So, why’d you ask?”

“I just wanted to find out what an idiot sounds like.”

“Any luck…?”

“We’re being summoned to the stage, Eric. Come on.”

“Right, you two. Back on your marks there on the floor. Remember, don’t pick curtain three, okay? Now, quiet for a second, and…

Welcome back to all you good people watching from home. During the break, Tom and Eric have intensely deliberated on their decisions, so the time has come contestants, where I and our dedicated television audience watching from out there, need to know what we’re all dying to know. Eric… seeing you were first to the prizes, what is your decision on Let’s Steal A Deal. Do you want to take the Love Boat Cruise of a lifetime, or do you feel adventurous enough to trade it in for what’s behind curtains TWO or three?”

“Well, Wayne. I really want to take me mum on a cruise, but I’m curious as to what’s behind the curtains.”

“Jolly good, Eric. I must have your answer within the next ten seconds; otherwise, Tom can step in and steal your deal. However, before I start that clock, please take a look inside this envelope. Give it a shake first, Eric. What does that sound like?”

“Sounds like the jingle of keys, Wayne.”

“That’s correct! Now go ahead and open the envelope, then show our television audience what’s inside.”

“Keys!”

“Yes, Eric. They are keys to our grand prize this evening. A brand-new car! But not just any old car…

A new 1973 Jaguar Series 2, XJ-12! Yes, Eric, you could be driving home in the newest luxury Jaguar has to offer in road transportation. This is the most beautiful sedan ever built. Leather seats, twelve-cylinder 5.3 litre engine with a top speed of 146 miles per hour. You’ll be king of the road on your commute from Surrey to London.”

“We live in London, Wayne.”

“Of course you do, you Cockney Lord help us. Then, imagine having the luxury of a new Jag parked sixteen floors below, just waiting for you to descend those stairs, while the lifts wait to be repaired. You will be the envy of the Old Kent Road. All you have to do is pick curtain number TWO or curtain number three.”

“It’s very tempting, Wayne, but no, I’ll stick with my first thought and keep the cruise.”

“The cruise, you say? Idiot! There you have it, viewers and congratulations Eric. I do hope you and your mum will have a great time on your incestuous two-week, love boat cruise around the Mediterranean. Now, please hand those keys to Tom, because he is about to Steal A Deal!”

“Here you go, mate.”

“Now, Tom. Let me ask you a rhetorical question. How lucky do you feel, old chap? Well, let me answer that for you. Tom, if you win the car, there’s a bonus prize sitting on the dash in the form of…

New Leather Driving Gloves! In true British tradition, these gloves are designed by Opinari to match the colour of your new British Racing green Jag. Elegant and stylish, these gloves will fit you like a well-tailored suit from Saville Row. In fact, inside the glove compartment is a fully paid receipt for a Saville Row, three-piece suit ready for bespoke fitting to the contours of your youthful body. How does that sound, Tom?”

“Right up my central alleyway, Wayne.”

“Right up his alley, he says, viewers. Spoken like a true Cockney gentleman. But that’s not all, Tom. In the spacious boot of your new car, is…

A hamper of the finest cheeses, crackers, and half-a-dozen bottles of the most expensive Moet Champagne, known to Tofs the world over. All this can be yours by choosing curtain number TWO or curtain number three, Tom.”

“STEAL A DEAL, WAYNE! I WANT TO STEAL A DEAL!”

“What’s this, you say, Eric…?”

“LET’S STEAL A DEAL, WAYNE!”

Hold on folks at home. Take your hands out of the digestives tin and place the cosy back on the teapot. Eric has discovered the true spirit of this show and invoked his right as a prize winner to sacrifice it for a steal. So, when we return from our final commercial break, please join me, Tom, and Eric, and Let’s Steal A Deal!”

“Eric!”

“Tom! Exciting, ain’t it.”

“I knew you’d do something like this.”

“It sounded too good to pass up, mate.”

“Aren’t you forgetting the specifics? None of these prizes exist.”

“Yeah, it’s Wayne’s Plan B, mate. I’m just doing this for the entertainment value. I think showbiz has gone to me ‘ead.

“Right, boys. Don’t pick curtain three, okay?”

“What is the booby prize, Wayne?”

“Don’t get too excited, Tom. The local hardware store has kindly donated a wheelbarrow and three sacks of manure. We’re calling it a Garden Pardon Prize. You’ll look hilarious wheeling it away on camera.”

“That’s behind curtain two, right Wayne?”

“Yes, Eric. Not Three, got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Right, places again. We’re on… and…

Welcome back viewers. Now, before we shot off for a word from our sponsors, Eric here decided he wanted to Steal A Deal. His mother will be disappointed to learn that he has traded in his two-week luxury love boat cruise on the Med for a chance to win our grand prize this week, a brand-new Jaguar car. Perhaps, you can make it up to your mum by driving her to and from Tesco’s for her weekly shopping. But let’s not jump too ahead of ourselves, because Tom is the current holder of the keys to that most luxurious, wonderful-smelling car, so he gets to choose the curtain it potentially sits behind with a full tank of petrol, ready to hit the open road. Now, choose correctly, Tom, and you could be driving straight out of here before Customs and Revenue can slap an excise on you. If you look at the monitor beside you, you will see what the viewers at home can see. It’s pointed grill-first at the open roller door, ready for a quick exit. But choose incorrectly and you will be leaving in a not-so-elegant manner with this week’s booby prize.”

“Do I then get the Jag, Wayne?”

“What an eager beaver Eric is, hey folks? Yes, Eric. Should Tom select the wrong curtain, you will be living like Lord Muck driving back and forth from your rat-infested, high-rise tenement. So, Tom. Are you ready to thwart Eric’s attempt to Steal A Deal?”

“I am more than ready to Steal your Deal, Wayne.”

“A nice variation on the name of the show there, Tom. But all kidding aside, viewers; Let’s Steal A Deal! What is your decision, Tom? Curtain number TWO or curtain number three?”

“Well, Wayne, As I’m eager for a quick exit from your studio, I’m going to throw all caution to the wind and choose curtain number… THREE!”

“What the…? Tom, take your time, now. Don’t be hasty. Ah-are y-you sure you’ve made the right choice? What do you think, studio audience?”

“Sounds like they agree with my choice, Wayne.”

“What are you playing at, Tom?”

“Like the show says, Wayne. I’m here to steal a deal.”

“You won’t”

“I will.”

“You can’t.”

“Try and stop me.”

“Okay, everyone in the studio audience. You’re all accessories to this, so let’s see what is behind curtain number three.”

“IT’S THE NEW CAR, MATE!”

“Yes, Eric me ‘ol China. Fancy a lift?”

“Wait, are you?”

“Stealin’ a deal? Yes.”

“Well, that’s all for this week, viewers. See you again next week for let’s steal a deal… We off air? Right, what are you fucking playing at, Tom?”

“I’m taking Eric for a drive.”

“In my car.”

“I won it, Wayne. Fair and square. Just ask your viewers.”

“This is preposterous. What happened to Honour Among Thieves?”

“I’m not stealing it, Wayne. I’m just collecting my winnings to get home. I’m gonna look good in my new suit, while drinking that nice bubbly grog… Home, Eric?”

“I say, me ol’ mucker. Do you fancy stopping by the working men’s club for a pint on the way?”

“Certainly, Eric. But no Babycham. It wouldn’t agree with the Moet in the boot.”

“What about my car, Tom?”

“Oh, I’ll let you know what part of Eric’s flats it’ll be left in. But you’ll need to collect it quickly before it gets a new paint job and your wheels get advertised in the Exchange and Mart. I’ll leave the keys sitting in the front-right bumper well.”

“We’re not keeping it, Tom?”

“Nah, Eric. I don’t want any bovver with the tax man. Not with my record, anyway. The consumables and clothing – on the other hand, are another thing. We can get top dollar from Freddie the Fence for them. He likes to deal in steals…”