Surfer Girl I Love You

My girlfriend (Evangeline) and I decided to go to dinner to our favorite Steak House. We own a place in Big Sky country Montana. Initially we purchased it so we would have a place to retire to that had clean air, friendly neighbors, great outdoor activities, incredible scenery, and very low taxes (No Sales Tax). That was the plan. We fell in love with the area and people almost immediately and could not wait to return as often as our work and other life activities would allow. Eventually we moved full time to Montana, so much for well laid plans.

OK back to dinner, the Grizzly is a husband and wife run restaurant that serves great food. The Grizzly is located just south of our mountain home. Steaks are juicy, baked potatoes are crusted with rock salt, and the ribs – to die for. Anyway, Evangeline and I, with our crazy but beautiful brown dog – Kona, had just arrived in our Montana getaway house after a long drive from our West Coast home, and we decided to go visit our favorite restaurant. We always looked forward to eating at the Grizzly, we liked it so much that we would end up having our wedding rehearsal dinner there years later – it is that good. We headed that way, always arriving early so we would beat the dinner rush.

After another scrumptious dinner, and some blind vodka taste testing, we went home to relax and get ready for bed.

Back at home, walked Kona so she would do her nightly pee, did you know that the hormones in the female dog’s pee kills grass? Well, we have so many dead grass spots that it would be hard to walk from one side of our lawn to the other without stepping on one of Kona’s deforestation spots.

So, we get in bed and Kona jumps up with us. She only stays on the bed for a few minutes and then jumps down and sleeps by Evangeline’s side of the bed.

I had just fallen asleep when I am awakened by a low guttural growl coming from Kona. Half asleep, I tell her to go to knock it off and go back to sleep but she just keeps growling. Somewhere in my groggy mind I realize something is not right and now I am suddenly and completely awake. I realize that Kona has alerted to something in the house and is trying to warn us. The first thing I say is “Shit, someone is in the house, we have an intruder”.

I get up. Grab the handgun I keep under the bed, and very timidly I begin to search the house for the intruder. I was a tad bit nervous, OK I was scared, so much so that I forgot to load the gun. Picture this, I am searching each room and closet, very very carefully, looking for the intruder wearing only flannel boxers, a t-short, and sporting an unloaded handgun. An unloaded handgun is not especially useful except maybe as a club. I was conducting the search with all the lights off – a voice in my head telling me to keep the lights off – we knew the house layout better than any intruder would know.

I search every room, every closet, every nook, and cranny I think could hide a person. Nothing. I search again. Still nothing. So….I head back to the master bedroom where Evangeline is standing just inside the door waiting for my report. I was trying to think of something witty to say when I pass by Kona, alerting at the basement door. Shit. There is someone on the other side of the door. Our intruder is waiting to break into the main level of the house from the basement. This is bad. There is no door or access to the basement from the outside. There is no way a person could have gotten into the basement, but did that cross my mind for even an instant? Noooooo, of course not. All I could think was “Shit”. Like I said, I was scared.

I slowly inched up to the door with my unloaded gun gripped firmly, white knuckles and all, being brave for Evangeline, I was hoping she could not see me knees shake. I WAS NOT going to creep the door open. I wanted to surprise the person on the other side, so they did not have time to respond. Good strategy for a dead man walking. I flung the door open and out lunges a furry mass of claws, and teeth and noise that made me take a step back out of the way of the beast. It rushed past me into the living room with Kona in chase.

I looked at Evangeline and told her to close the master bedroom door so the beast would not get into the bedroom. Expecting her to do so with her on the other side of the door, safe from the beast. Ever heard of the fight or flight reflex? Evangeline has a third – freeze. Eventually, she ‘unfreezes’ and I get her to close the door. To my utter horror, she closed the door but she is on my side of the door not protected within the bedroom. I manage to clear my head enough to go and turn on a light. What I see surprises me, Kona is chasing whatever it is around the living and dining room. Evangeline screams and jumps up on the couch. I look over at her, wearing her pajama shorts and tank top. She is standing on the back of the couch, having climbed to the highest point she could reach. There she stands with her arms out to her sides, balancing like she is riding a surfboard through rough surf. Incredible talent to be able to do that without tipping the couch over. Only thing I could conjure in my addled brain was, “Wow sexy”. I am a man so, you know.

After I recover my senses, somewhat, I look over to Kona and the beast and realize, Kona has cornered the beast in the actual corner of the dinning room. She is trying to sniff and lick the beast. I am thinking Kona, you crazy dog, get back. At that moment I realize the ‘beast’ is only a jackrabbit. How foolish do I feel? At that point I run into the laundry room and grab a broom. I open the front door and coral the jackrabbit out of the door and into the night. Somehow, I manage to keep Kona from continuing the chase out the door.

I turn around and Evangeline has gotten down from the couch and she is staring at me with a smirk on her face. She says, “Wow sexy”. I look down and realize I am still in my flannel boxers and t-shirt, a broom in one hand and an unloaded gun in the other. I look at Evangeline and say, “Surfer Girl I Love You”.

The next day I find the tunnel the jackrabbit has burrowed into our basement. I spend the next several years and hundreds of pounds of cement trying to fill the tunnels that keep popping up. I cannot help but think of Bill Murray in Caddyshack saying “Freeze Gopher”.

Well…“Freeze bunny”.