Fool of the Gods

           Pan was kicking back at the Club of Gods with the rest of the deities. He wasn't particularly wanted or welcome, but he was a god and, as such, they were stuck with him.

           It wasn't that he ever did anything annoying, other than stink the joint up. After all, his lower half was that of a goat, and Pan wasn't exactly the cleanest of gods. He was at a table with Jesus, Thor and Coyote. They were talking about mortals and the tricks they'd played on them.

           Pan told of how he tricked mortal women into having sex with him. Old news. Pretty much all of the old gods had done this. Thor had nothing to add to the discussion, but it was his turn to pay for drinks, and those at his table were quaffing them down at a record pace. Thor lamented he'd never tricked anyone, but was always the butt of pranks, especially at the hands of his half-brother, Loki, who'd made him dress as a woman once after Mjolnir had been stolen by giants. Coyote, always with a smug look on his face, bragged about how he'd led the Native Americans to ruin with his lies and pranks.

           Jesus sat there, smiling. "True," he said, "but none of you can touch the greatest pranks of all." The others quit smiling and laughing.

           "Yes," Pan said, agreeing reluctantly. "I have to give it to you, that nonsense about the resurrection was one for the record books. Got the mortals to build an entire religion around it."

           "I know," Jesus said, "and the funny thing is, dad never thought they'd be dumb enough to believe it. He said it wouldn't work because humans would never believe a father would kill his son."

           "Even though it was something they did all the time," Coyote interjected.

           "Yes," Jesus said. "Our other big one is still going on."

           "The one about Armageddon," Thor said.

           "Yep. Those suckers are stupid enough to think we're going to wipe out everything, as though there's a snowball's chance of that."

           Pan laughed, thinking about how disappointed mankind was going to be when Armageddon failed to occur. Then he thought, "Wait, these people have been waiting for this for more than two thousand years and continue to believe in it just as strongly now as ever. Just how stupid are these humans?"

           "It's sad to think about," Thor said. "They just don't get it."

           "No," Jesus said, "and they never will. Dad and I keep stacking the deck so they don't. Every so often, we insert a wildcard who tells them the world's about to end and some cataclysm will happen at any time, and when it doesn't, they just smile, say it wasn't time, and go about their business.

           "They don't have a clue that there is no heaven or hell, and when they die, that's it, they return to the energy they were before."

           Coyote nodded, "Yes, it is sad, but we don't want them here anyway. There's too many of them and they'd clutter up the place. I don't want to think about the mess they'd make. Ugh."

           Jesus nodded, "Maybe it's time we play another prank on them."

           "What'cha got in mind?" Pan asked, having a good clue what Christ had in mind. After all, there remained a prophecy that hadn't been fulfilled yet.

           "I've been talking with dad and he agrees it's time for me to make my second appearance. I am to be reborn on the Earth."

           "A signal for the end times," Thor said, "how cliché'."

           "Yes," Coyote agreed, "it's been done before by other gods."

           Pan nodded. "Yep, nothing new there."

           "Ah," Jesus said, "but we're adding  a twist. The schmucks are expecting me to come from heaven fully formed with the believers to be called into heaven then and there. Not gonna happen."

           "Duh," Coyote said, "we figured that much."

           "What's the big blow off?" Pan asked.

           Jesus had a hard time not laughing out loud. "Dad and I agree I should be born again."

           "For crying out loud," Thor said, "not that old 'virgin birth' gag again. That was old the first time you did it."

           "No," Jesus said, "this time I'll be born to a prostitute. Nobody, but nobody, will believe I'm Christ risen then."

           "Still not original," Pan said. "Have you considered that nobody will care that you've returned to signal the alleged end of time?"

           "What do you mean?" Jesus asked. "Of course they'll care. They've built an entire religion and belief system around it."

           It was Pan's turn to smile. "Sure, but have you bothered to look at how they behave with their so-called religion and belief system? It's only used in name only."

           "Doesn't matter," Jesus said, "it's already in the works."

           "It's your funeral," Coyote said. "They're not gonna fall for it."

           "Nope," Thor agreed, "no way in hell."

           Jesus and Yahweh went ahead with plans for their prank. They found a likely woman. She was in her early twenties with red hair, a bad temper and body that wouldn't quit. She was also a high-end call girl who took precautions against getting pregnant. This, though, didn't matter to Jesus and Yahweh, as they made sure the precautions failed with her next customer, Jesus himself, and she got pregnant. "This is hilarious," he thought, "it's the second time I've become my own father."

           "God damnit," she said when she learned she was expecting. "Now what am I gonna do. I don't need a kid and sure as hell don't want one." Abortion, though, was out of the question, not because of her faith, but because of recent laws passed by state and federal governments restricting them except when the mother's life was threatened.

           Becky Graham sat on the sofa in her apartment, thinking about her options. Money wasn't an option as she'd been putting most of her earnings aside and had invested well. She could afford to take time off, but her clients wouldn't like it. Some, she figured, would really get off on having sex with a pregnant woman, but others wouldn't. What to do, what to do? As her hands were figuratively tied, Becky decided to tough it out and work as long as she could. Her doctor told her she could have sex up until the eighth month, as long as it wasn't uncomfortable. She knew she could have oral and anal sex, if she desired, right up until the baby came.

           Her next train of thought was what to name the little bastard. A voice came to her in her sleep, saying the baby should be named Joshua. She didn't care for that name, and chose to call it Ranger instead. "Ranger Graham," she thought, "I like the sound of that."

           Pregnancy ran its course. There was no problem with the birth. She now had a son to care for, and did, indeed, bestow him with the name Ranger. Ranger was a strange child, often doing things other children couldn't, such as bringing small animals back to life with a touch. Becky figured they weren't dead anyway because once something's gone, it's gone.

           Not being religious, Ranger was never taken to church. He went to public schools, doing well, but wasn't the best of students, mostly because he wouldn't pay attention in class. Still, Ranger did well enough to earn a scholarship to college, athletic, not academic. He'd been a star on his high school football team as a tailback. Ranger accepted a full ride to Alabama to play for the Crimson Tide.

           Here, he learned about religion. Being in Alabama meant being inundated with religion, everything from the snake handling crazies to the holy rollers who claimed to speak in tongues. His friends, believers one and all, took him to revivals to further his education.

           Memories began to kick in. Ranger started remembering who he was and why he was here. He smiled at the thought. "Ah, yes, the greatest practical joke of all time - the second coming." In his mind, Ranger was no more as he was Jesus, son of Yahweh and the end was nigh.

           Ranger underwent a complete personality change. No longer was he the fun-loving tailback who ran rampant over opposing defenses and spent his nights after the games carousing with his cheerleader or coed of choice. No, he was now celibate, much to the chagrin of the young ladies on campus, and the surrounding community. His life was devoted to study, and what he studied was religion.

           He became ordained as a Baptist minister, quit school and started a traveling salvation show where he preached the end times as the second coming was at hand. His social media posts all dealt with this subject and nothing else. After a year or so on the road, Ranger had his name legally changed to Jesus. His mother was pissed, but could do nothing as he was an adult, even if he was being stupid.

           His next step was even bolder. Ranger/Jesus began telling his followers that he, hisownself, was the Lord God arisen for the second time and Armageddon was about to happen. There was a problem, though. The rapture hadn't occurred. Not a single soul had ascended to heaven. (Nothing but a slight flaw as heaven doesn't exist.) This was pointed out to Ranger/Jesus, who said it only went to prove there wasn't a soul on the planet worthy of being called to the Pearly Gates.

           The majority of his followers agreed. They knew they weren't worthy of being first-round draft picks, as they'd been calling the first to be called by the Rapture, which didn't happen and continued not to. Others, however, weren't so kind. They, and they were the literal majority of people, pointed out there had been no Rapture, therefore the prophecy was bullshit because Ranger/Jesus wasn't the second coming that had been predicted. "Nope," they said collectively, "this is just another in the long line of dog and pony shows to get morons to part with their cash and worldly possessions. Thanks but no thanks."

           Meanwhile, Thor, Pan and Coyote chilled in the Club of Gods, laughing their asses off. Thor, chugging a mug of mead said, "We tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen."

           Pan agreed, sipping a glass of wine. "True, we did try. We pointed out the flaw in his plan, but he wouldn't listen."

           "Yeah, but the fun's only just beginning, "Coyote said. "He's going to try to push through this and baldface his way to the end."

           "Poor fool," Thor said. "They're gonna end up killing his ass again, and this time there won't be a resurrection."

           "Maybe he'll pull a Valentine Michael Smith gag," Coyote said.

           "You've got to be kidding," Pan said. "Even the rubes are too smart for that one." They all agreed and kept watching.

           Ranger/Jesus did try to baldface his way through, claiming he was the second coming. He performed miracles - nothing like raising the dead or the miracle of loaves - which seemed trite because they were nothing scientists hadn't been doing for decades. His trick of levitation went over well, but nobody believed he actually floated in the air. Stage magicians had been doing this one for a century or more.

           He dug the hole deeper and deeper. Everything he tried blew up in his face or was met with ridicule. The final straw came when Ranger/Jesus called forth a plague of locusts, followed by it raining blood. Neither happened. The plague of locusts was wiped out by pesticide, while the blood turned out to be nothing more than tomato juice.

           Ranger/Jesus and Yahweh had also failed to add the lunatic fringe into their plan, which was a fatal flaw, as it often is. Ranger/Jesus was finishing up one of his weekly sermons to a sparse crowd of true believers (aka crazies) when a man walked up behind him, pulled a Glock 30 from his pocket and sent a forty-five caliber shell into the back of Ranger/Jesus' head. "I killed God," the loon screamed, throwing the pistol down. "I killed God."

           His celebration was short-lived as one of the faithful retrieved the weapon and used it on him, emptying the remainder of the clip into his chest.

           Becky learned of her son's death on the evening news and was saddened. Saddened, not surprised. She claimed his body and had him buried in an unmarked grave in her hometown. This was done in the middle of the night to prevent gawkers and grave robbers from desecrating his remains. Becky was living a comfortable life, having sold her little black book for a hefty sum and, again, investing well.

           Pan, Coyote and Thor greeted Jesus when he returned to the Club of Gods, offering him a cold beer. "I don't understand what went wrong," Jesus said. "It should have worked."

           "We tried to tell you," Coyote said, "but you wouldn't listen."

           "Yeah," Thor agreed. "These aren't the same kind of people you fooled the first time."

           "You got that right," Jesus said. "You know, it almost feels like I was set up to fail."

           Pan looked up. "You were," he said, a malicious grin spreading over his face. "We got you good."

           "What the hell are you talking about?" Jesus yelled.

           The others couldn't hold it any longer and burst out laughing. Their laughter was long and loud, disturbing the other patrons, who didn't know what was going on.

           "Dumbass," Pan said, "we set this whole thing up. We knew what you and Yahweh were planning before you said a word. Thor, Coyote and I made sure you couldn't succeed. We've been working on this gag for two millennia."

           "Yep," Coyote agreed, "and it was worth it to see the look on your face."

           Thor pointed at an Earth calendar kept behind the bar. "You need to check the date," he said. "You'll get it then."

           Jesus scowled, but turned toward the calendar. The date was April 1. "So what," he said, "that doesn't mean anything."

           "He's a bigger doofus than I thought," Pan said.

           "Tell me," Thor agreed.

           "Hey, genius," Coyote said, "do you know the significance of April first in the human world?"

           "No, not really," Jesus replied.

           "The mortals call it All Fool's Day."

           "Wha?" Jesus said, the light finally dawning.

           "Gotcha," the trio said in unison. "April Fools."