Kieran Hensler

Kieran Hensler

Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not a blissful one. There had been yelling, arguing, and crying. Oh, so much crying. Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not a long one. There had been distractions, lies, and not enough time. Oh, so little time. Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not supposed to be her final one. She hadn’t known it would be the last time she would see his face. All she wanted was to turn back the clock, rewind it to their fight, and redo those ten seconds.

~

She had watched him alternate between playing video games and drawing, for two hours straight. Two hours of wasted time. Time she thought she would regain the next day, but she never would, not that she’d known. She had been asking him questions all afternoon long, ‘why didn’t he call back?’, ‘where was he last night?’, ‘did he sleep at all?’, ‘had he done anything stupid?’. It was her fault that he had snapped at her. He was tired and frustrated, his drawings were ‘screwed up’ as he had put it, and she wasn’t helping him in the slightest.

He had yelled and screamed at her, unleashing all his built-up anger, for an hour. With every second, the hope she clung onto, died. That hope was wishing that he would be okay. The doctors had informed her he had a weak heart, Lord, everyone he knew had told her he was weak, and she shouldn’t overdo it. She promised she wouldn’t hurt him, but he was refusing to take his medication and driving off when he was in for a check-up. Did he want to die? Was that it? Everyone told her, but she did not listen. She never did. They argued non-stop, fighting about every scenario, whose fault it was for their relationship. She hadn’t meant any of it, she was just so angry. Why did it have to be Kieran with the weak heart? Why couldn’t the love of her life be happy and healthy, was that too much to ask?

She had shouted at him, saying it was all his fault. He was the one who didn’t want to visit his parents, he was the one who said no to treatment. She screeched it was his fault for everything, including the relationship, but in her heart, she knew that was a lie. She was the one who had fallen in love first, she was the one who suggested they run away, and escape the insanity of this world. She didn’t know what was fuelling her anger, but she knew she was hurting him, just as much as she was hurting herself. She had known Kieran for a long time, and she had always known she was the stronger one, the more passionate one. So, it surprised her when his hand connected to her cheek, leaving a red mark. A reminder that this was all her fault. Every cry of anguish, every protest, every lie she had told him, dropped at her feet like dead rose petals. She knew with every shout he got weaker, but she didn’t stop him. She let his hateful words wash over her like tidal waves because she knew she deserved it. 

~

When Kieran collapsed, from anger and exhaustion, he refused to take her hand, to help him get up.

“Please Kier,” She had begged, like a small child on the streets, “Take my hand. Let me help you,”

“No, I don’t need your help. Don’t touch me ever again,”

“I- Just want to make amends Kier, that’s all!”

“And yet you argued with me, and did not back down, despite it being my condition, and not yours?” He had panted, getting off his knees, and pulling himself into a chair.

“I didn’t mean any of it, Kier! You know that! I was just angry, I wasn’t thinking before I spoke, I’m sorry,”

“I think you meant it this time,”

“I swear I didn’t!” She was crying now, and she watched him avoid her gaze, which meant he was trying not to cry.

“Please, let the hospitals take care of you, Kier! That’s what they’re there for, to help people who are sick,”

“I don’t want to go back,”

“Don’t be such a child, Kieran. This isn’t for me, it’s for you! You’re the one with the weak heart, not me,”

“So, that makes you better than me? That makes your opinion more valid than mine? Me having a weaker heart doesn’t have anything to do with this!”

“You know it does! I just want you to get better, Kier. I’m not doing any of this to spite you,” She didn’t know at the time, but the ten seconds that haunted her were about to begin.

10.

“I want you to be happy!”

9.

“Why are you so bothersome, today?”

8.

“Why are you so bothersome, every day?”

7.

“I do it because I love you!”

6.

“This isn’t love. That’s not what any of this is,”

5.

“Then… what it is? Why did you propose to me? Was that a lie?”

4.

“I- I don’t know,”

3.

“What I do know, is that I hate you.”

2.

“You can’t hate me more than I hate you!”

1.

“Just- shut up! I don’t want to see you again!”

0.

He gave her one last smile, a weak but cruel one, that showed she meant nothing to him. 

It was only a few hours later, that she decided to call Kieran. She hadn’t stayed at his house, because she knew it would lead to silence or more fighting. She didn’t know which one was worse. She rang his mobile, but he didn’t pick up. She decided she would talk to him tomorrow. Guilt and regret drowned her, she could no longer feel anything else. She wished she had never said a word, she wanted to take it all back. She wanted to look him in the eyes, and properly tell him that she did love him. Because she did. ‘Tomorrow,’ she told herself, ‘I’ll apologise tomorrow.’

~

It was Kieran’s sister, Amy, who rang her the next morning.

“Come to the hospital, it’s my brother.” Amy had not known the two of them had fought the night before. She was simply calling her brother’s fiancée, to tell her, her soon to be husband was dying. Amy had stopped by his house, to drop off something, and she found him sprawled on the floor, unconscious.

“I should’ve stayed,” She told herself, as she drove to the hospital, “God, I’m such an idiot, I never should have left him!” Tears were threatening to break loose, the closer she got. She rushed in, and the receptionist told her what room he was in. She looked at Kieran’s sleeping body and bit her lip. She remembered when his dark brown hair complimented his golden-brown eyes. How they had sparkled, when he saw her. She hadn’t seen his eyes light up in a long time.

“Kieran, sweetheart, please, wake up. Your family needs you, Amy, your parents and… I need you as well.” She sat by his side for hours, not daring to move a muscle, in case something happened.

When he woke up, he turned to her, almost surprised she had stayed.

“You came,”

“Of course I did,”

“I’m so sorry,”

“No, no, please don’t be, Kier!”

“I’m apologising for earlier, I should’ve never yelled at you, or hit you, or done anything,” He spluttered, coughing. She rubbed his back, leaning into him.

“Stay strong, Kier. I know we can get through this, I promise,”

“I believe you. Go get something to eat, and sleep for a bit. I’ll see you tomorrow,”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I love you.” She had never gotten to say a proper goodbye before the doctors whisked her out of the room, but she did break down as soon as she left the hospital. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He had said, and she prayed she would, but there were no more ‘tomorrows with Kieran’, not anymore. His ‘I love you’ made up for his ‘I hate you’, it made up for everything, because she knew he still cared. It made up for him leaving the night before because he had gone to the hospital; he did it for her.

Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not a blissful one. There had been yelling, arguing, and crying. Oh, so much crying. Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not a long one. There had been distractions, lies, and not enough time. Oh, so little time. Her last day with Kieran Hensler was not supposed to be her final one. She hadn’t known it would be the last time she would see him. He had promised he would see her tomorrow, but he was wrong.