Pandemonium. Panhandle. Pancake. Pantomime. Pantyhose. Pandemic. Pandemic. Pathetic. That’s an apt word for me: pathetic. Or is it apathetic? I can never keep those words straight. I have absolutely no interest in going out today. Yet another March has passed. Another month ripped off the calendar. Now it’s only been fifty four weeks since I last left my house for something other than work. Fourteen months of quarantine. Plus or minus a week or so, maybe. I can wait another day. What’s another day? Yes, the sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The sky is bluing. Bluing? Give me a break. It’s been 379,000 days of the same drill: home, work, home again. No, I am not exaggerating. Okay, maybe a little. But not much. It feels like that long. I will not leave this haven of safety and security just to be pranked by some April fooler. Weekends are not always meant for outdoor activities. I can stay indoors too and be active -ish.
But right now spring is calling my name!
Look at that sky...not a cloud to be seen. The curtains are fluttering like butterfly wings. I bet the park has some benches open right now. Some warm wooden slats to cushion the weight of my body. The grass would smell musty and woodsy and just a bit like dirt. Some warm sunshine to pinken my cheeks...stop that! Do I want to be an April Fool? Not today. My vaccination shot will have yet another day to work its magic within my skin. There is no reason I need to go out today. I should close my window. Shut the curtains. Cover my eyes. I could use one of the masks. I have blue paper ones, floral print masks from the neighbor down the hall who likes to sew, and even some N95 masks, those heavy duty masks that my aunt secreted away from the hospital for me. I bet those would block out the sun and the scent of tomato sauce and garlic and oregano...
Look, there is the pizza delivery guy. I bet he knows a lot of people. He probably used a lot of hand sanitizer this last year. Did he have to buy this himself? What if a person was allergic to hand sanitizer? What would they do then? He’s probably very cute under that mask. He’s not allowed to come to my door today. He can stay away today. No pizza pranks for this girl! I don’t need pickles instead of pepperoni. No thank you! My pizza cravings can wait another day. I am all good with this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s all good. Pizza is overrated anyway. And he isn’t that good looking, except for those chocolate brown eyes and dark brown curls that peek out from under his cap. He is kind, and sweet, and he always finds a way to stay and talk when he delivers. I think he’s lonely too. But not on April 1. Mama didn’t raise an April Fool.
Did the weatherman just say 72 degrees? For real? My hearing must be going. My grandma’s hearing went when she was very young. I haven’t seen her in fourteen months and three weeks and two days. Not that I’m counting. She is. She may not be able to hear very well, but she can certainly add. And she knows how to use her phone, and she uses it weekly to update me on her cat. Her stuffed cat. Not a real cat, not her former cat, but a purple beanie baby cat named Pete. I love my grandma. She would love to be outside in this sunshine. She would never be an April Fool. Maybe tomorrow I can see her from outside her nursing home window. Or outside as long as we maintain our mandated “six foot social distance and keep our masks on at all times.” Will she even know who I am? Maybe if I wear purple she will think I am Pete. No, I am not an April Fooler.
And this year I can understand the weatherman. Last year somehow, everything was in Portuguese for an hour or two. Or was it Mandarin? Some prankster down at the station thought it was so funny to stream in from halfway across the globe in an obscure language. Who studies Portuguese in school? April Fool’s day has really got to stop messing with people’s lives. I am not going to be a victim this year. Or maybe I should give in and subscribe to satellite radio. Maybe not. My old trusty radio works just fine. This baby never lies to me. She is quite reliable. With or without the batteries.
No fooling. My co-workers are not as trustworthy as my radio. I don’t want salt in the sugar shaker in the break room. I don’t want to be told that the meeting starts at 8 o’clock when it really starts at 9 o’clock. I don’t want to be told it is a dress down casual day when it is not. I definitely don’t want to know that by pressing control + alt + the upside down key would turn my monitor upside down. I spent the entire morning reading reports and responding to emails upside down and backwards before getting that nonsense corrected. I do not want to be April Fooled. I am tired and miserable and just want nothing to do with all of this foolery. I just want to go out and have a normal day, in a normal world, and have a normal life…I don’t think my co-workers know where I live, but maybe that one clown down in accounting looked me up in the directory just to mess with me. He would most likely Vaseline my door knob or glue my mailbox shut. He needs to get a life. I need to get a life.
What? Wait, what did my radio just say? After the weather report? What did she say? She would never mislead me or lie to me. Not to me. Did she just say that: Today is APRIL 2?