I Don't Want To

Times are tough. I won't deny it. We all have our struggles and most will hide it. Can't breathe anymore just keeping quiet. No need to anyways like a lawyer's client.

Money is problematic, it always has been. Hard to get your hands on even if you're asking. I try to be good. I was raised right. Learned what I had to in order to be polite. Stretch patience and bow a head. Work for what you need otherwise you're dead.

Hobby set aside working too much. killing a passion eliminates the love. I don't want to but I am desperate. Need income asap if not there'll be conflict.

Being broke just amplifies your thoughts. Plan actions that leave you lost. Counting change whatever's left. Strict with the essentials although life doesn't let. Economy goes to shit a recession hits. The price of gas doubles and everyone goes electric.

Demand a raise and threaten to quit. Legit have no backup so you rephrase it. Payday arrives then there is a sudden change. Numbers fills pride but limits its range. Bills, rent, insurance and food. Dinner for the wife and gas for the commute. Back to square one looking for a second job.

Try being an Uber and of course get robbed. Tried it for a while and it lifted me above water. Gave me breathing room until I had a daughter. Squeezing me like a sponge and drain what's left. No emergency funds an emotion that goes beyond upset. A low budget kills a bond. Me and the mother start to drift off.

The months fly by and I stand still. Do what I possibly can without the guilt. Starting to neglect myself, my daughter became a priority. I was addicted to drugs but I let go of that side of me. A demon I pray I won't dare to revisit. The hole it left in a piece of heaven I was mistaken.

Things were past due my credit tanked like Vasa. Yet I wanted to keep on going like a Honda. My ambition was strong but it didn't prove anything. Worked my ass off just to have my time shrink.

I don't want to but yeah I'll admit it's depressing. Been at my lowest, no one helping. I asked around but my family can’t. Close to eviction it breaks a man.

Started to write to rebuild that love. Pen and paper like years before the grudge. Daughter sleeping near the radiator. Blanket of a hug I wish to give forever. Noticed a contest and thought why not? It's free regardless. Let that ink drop.

So I rain my tears with lead. I don't want to but at this point no regrets. Time took a vacation. A zone I was in. Never-ending bliss just venting from within. No sound, no music but the feeling was great. A psychedelic emotion, a trip I'd say.

With my daughter as we battle on through. A poem for her to know the truth. Although I didn't want to. A pain in a book that's queued. Possibly public for the naked eye. To those with a conscience and a creative mind. Understand my effort, not my actions. I have done things I've regretted with the correct intentions.

I love you no matter what carve it in stone. Although your mother left her heart was shown. I wasn't the best partner but at least I stayed. I never cheated but the drugs were a mistake. Numb reality addicted to nothing. A space with no worries. Have that understanding. No money but I did buy the things you need. For my daughter and her angel wings.

You indeed got me out of it. Realize that a change is prerequisite. So thank you for everything deeply. I might be gone before you understand these words completely. Love doesn't die, it splits. So you keep your half like a gift. Share it responsibly I insist. Your heart is pure, you'll be fine I'm convinced.

Hit submit to make it legit. Wait for a call as I coexist. I Hug my life before I'm missed. A kiss to the head things will come around I promise.

Time flew pass and life proceeds. Daughter growing faster than my age beautifully. It's been over a year since I've placed a book out for review. Lost that contest to a different point of view. They used seasons as a metaphor into suicide. I get it. Been there before but not down to reminisce.

Ink and paper once again. A contest for publication worth throwing energy in. Lost myself at times writer's block is no joke. Didn't stop me I ran my own course. Another book about how life has been. Sympathize pain only words can represent.

I was hopping jobs like flees on dogs. A history with no explanation becomes squeamish to a boss. Never did a substance at work but got kicked off. Every management has it's own excuse but I need a damn job.

I starve some nights for my daughter's full stomach. She offers to give a portion and I insist.

"Daddy's getting slim but I ate at work honey. We will get out of here someday just got to believe. Go on food is warm you should eat. One day we will buy a house with patience and a dream."

Contest after contest comes with constant rejections. Open eyes can visualize but pain you will never see. Bring me a pen and paper then the words will grab attention. Me being dumb putting an effort assuming the rest is guaranteed. A soul fetching for a purpose is drawn to an obsession. I decided to write my heart down but it became a need.

Six months fell on it's face. My situation haven't changed. I ended up getting a call out of the blue. I answer and listened with a different mood. I had won and my book will be seen. Despite the news I was in disbelief. Shocked but happy at the same time. We arranged our meeting and boom the books out in a couple months time.

Five years pass and I'm chilling at my porch. Drinking a bit of coffee and with my daughter of course. Wow I didn't think this would happen so soon. Especially coming up from a drug abuse. Suicide has it's taste but I survived that. Like before I'm not gonna feed off vibes I no longer have.

The book became a hit I ended up releasing three. People fell in love and I became happy. Comfortable for once with no worries. My story was told and the grass became green. My daughter with a smile I never saw. Her toys and personal playground is no longer small.

She turns her head asked me what took so long. I sat there rocking my chair as silent as my lawn. Thought about it so the wrong thing isn't said. Kissed her forehead and hope she forgets.

Later that day she is in her room with a bed full of sheets and stuffed animal that's expandable. A night light for once instead of a street lamp and a broken curtain that's intangible. I tucked her in.

"Sleep well, love you. We will have some pancakes in the morning before school."

Love will either stop or motivate you. In ways to craft out a life so huge. Living in fear that later became obtuse. Which all started with something I didn't want to do.