On The Outskirts Of Syria

lailah steps tentatively over the rocks blocking her way and she looks up at the place she once called home.

Her heart feels like a bouncing stone inside her chest and her throat has suddenly Become dry, she doesn't know how her legs are still moving, because At the sight of the soft blue house, the flowers, the swings her mind seemed to have disconnected from her body. Her mind has gone back to a time when she was 5 and carefree she is remembering the feel of the wind in her hair as she kicked off the ground and flew on those swings, the feel of soft strong hands holding her own as she ran down the hills, the hearty laugh of a golden haired boy, the smell of lemon and Cookies.

she remembers being surrounded by the sounds of children at all times children laughing, crying, shouting.

As she walks closer to the house, the always confident lailah falters in her step her heart is beating a thousand a second.

15 years ago she was adopted and taken away from war broken syria to the dreams that paris had to offer, she found a new family and lovely friends in paris and slowly the years robbed her of the memories she had of this place until all that was left were hazy images and sounds, but sometimes when she caught sight of a boy with golden hair or she'd hear the singing of an arab lady her heart would suddenly ache with longing.

All her life she knew she was adopted and she always had a feeling that she wasn't where she belonged so when she was 15 she started doing research to find out about her past, she found out about the lil-atfal orphanage where she was rescued, she found that it was located in the country of jordan relatively close to the border with syria.

In her profile she saw some oil stained pictures, so many pictures of herself in mismatched clothes with so many other children, older children, younger children some children were even missing parts of their body, but a thing they all shared in common was the smile on their lips and the innocent sincerity in their eyes, she saw pictures of herself with her hands around the shoulder of the golden haired boy, herself smiling at the camera as she baked with a smiling older lady who had a gap between her teeth, but the one picture that warmed her heart with unexpected love the most was of the same lady carrying her and the golden haired boy in her lap, the lady was smiling down at the laughing children in her arms her soft eyes warm with love, the 2 children were looking at each other, laughing their heads off about a joke now forgotten, the lailah in the picture was chubby and pink cheeked her hazel coloured eyes were filled with joy and admiration as she looked at her friend with golden hair and brown eyes, he had his hands out demonstrating something to her as if she were the most important audience in the world .

when lailah saw that picture and that family that she had, she made a silent promise to herself that one day she would go back.

And now as she stands here at the very doorstep of the place she had been trying to visit for years, her head is a disarray of memories that were locked away until now, ~Afterall what is stolen by time must one day be returned.

she takes a steadying breath, smoothens down her white cotton shirt, tries to calm her racing heart. Then she walks up to the the rough wood door she can hear the faint crackly sound of an old lady singing, she curls her right fist and knocks slowly on the door.

2 soft raps.

immediately the singing stops and she can hear steady light footsteps approaching the door.

she din't think it was possible but her heart-rate increases 2 fold, she unfolds her fist and starts twisting her sweaty fingers around each other, her mind flying to the possibilities of who she might see behind the door.

The footsteps have stopped behind the door and she can hear the scratchy sound of a lock being removed, the handle turns slowly and the door opens a little to reveal a little old lady in a red scarf she has wrinkles around her smiling eyes and even though there is a faint smile on her lips there is no a sign of recognition in her eyes as she looks at lailah.

But as soon as lailah see's her, her hands fall to her side, her body seems to be made of butter and even though it’s to early all she wants to do is fall into this lady’s arms and to let the scent of lemon and cake coming from this lady envelope her, to just be able to cry all these years away.

"can i help you" the lady asks, her voice is gentle and carries the texture of honey

laila feel's the wetness creep into her eyes and her heart shatters as she realizes and understands the look of unrecognition in the lady's eye's,

she sees as the lady's look apprehension quickly turns into a look of concern and she watches as she leans toward lailah extending out her right hand as if to hold her.

" habibti is everything okay" she asks Lailah gently

lailah knows she should say something and she begs her mouth to spit the proper words, but she cant,

Her mind is a torrent of so many emotions and memories, suddenly she has a flashback of the first time she met mama hameed.

She was around 3 years old. There had been fire and blood everywhere, all around her people had been running and screaming she had been lost and was trying to find her dad but her body was terror soaked, the smoke was stinging her eyes as she ran and she was constantly being thrown to the ground by families rushing to get away, she remembers this one time she had gotten up from the ground and her hands and knees were covered in blood that was the time when a man running beside her had raised his arm and fired a loud shot into the air, she remembers freezing, the air Itself seemed to freeze after that and everyone Running had stopped stone still for a moment and then all at once the panic rushed back with so much more force that lailah was knocked off her feet and wasn't even allowed the chance to get back up, she was stepped on and pushed by hundreds of shoes.

she remembers the devasting pain all over her body, her screaming cries that nobody heard.

Her body, her head, her existence had felt like liquid quickly dripping away.

Then suddenly amidst all that agony, she remembers the boy that stood over her, his Shinning hair was illuminated red by the raging fire, he took hold of her hands and pulled her to her feet, he said something to her but she cant remember what , she cant remember much after that only that he brought her to a lady, a lady who took one look at her, picked her up as if she were made of glass and held her against her chest Like a mother holding her new born and after bundling her up she had ran, she ran and ran until they all had left the chaos of fire and blood behind.

And now as lailah stands in front of that lady, the lady who looks like she holds all the peace of the world within her fragile bones, she wants herself to answer to say 'thank you i'm fine' but instead her mind is screaming with the urge to shout

' YOU SAVED MY LIFE!, I OWE YOU MY LIFE! AND YOU CANT REMEMBER ME'

all she wants to do is get down on her knees and beg this lady to remember the girl she brought to this home, she wants to beg her to take her into her arms again.

lailah can feel the tears streaming down her face. Mama hameed is holding onto her elbows and her eyes are searching laila's face with a swift fierceness, her eyebrows are knit together as if trying to solve something.

"who are you" she asks her eyes narrowed

lailah slowly unglues her lips and chokes out one single Painful word

”lailah”

she see's the moment the look of understanding enters the lady's eyes she see's as that look is quickly replaced by boundless joy and tenderness

and she almost dies with relief when mama hameed pulls her close to her body and hugs her with the love and force of a mother hugging her long lost daughter. lailah melts into her,

mama hameed pats lailah’s hair gently, her chest shaking with the intensity of her sobs against Laila’s chest,

"my lailah is back,my lailah,habibti, after everything your back" she whispers in disbelief. lailah burrows her head deeper in mama hameeds already tear soaked scarf she doesn't want to say anything, this right here her arms around the first person she called mother is all she wants.

After a forever stretched moment mama hameed slowly pulls back, she holds onto lailah's arms with one hand,

lailah can see her milky tearfilled eyes shine with pride as she studies lailah's face there are silver lines of tears running down her cheeks and her smile is so wide the gap between her teeth can be seen she raises her other hand up and caresses lailahs cheeks, as she says

“your much more beautiful then i imagined“

lailah cant stop the sobs that break out of her body

mama hameed raises her hand further and softly wipes away lailah's tears then she shakes her head and says

"no need for tears habibti, you are finally home".

lailah can feel the wide love filled smile on her face reflected on mama hameed's face, and for the first time in years she allows the tight coil of hope in her chest to unfold itself and spread with Warm bliss around her body.

she’s home again.