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"By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire." I could hear the loud roars that were accompanied by the fire and destruction. When I had at first walked into the small tavern there was nothing of a sort, but now... Tops of towers were toppled over, people and buildings alike smashed underneath the weight. Men, women, and children, nobody was safe from this dragon that was attacking the small village. The sad thing is, I don't even know if my father is okay. Not thinking about it, my feet moved on their own running to the house in the corner of the village, tucked away behind some other buildings. People were scrambling beside me running every which way, screaming out the words, "Run! A dragon !" Like people couldn't see it for their own eyes that there was a ginormous creature flying above us.
"Father! Father!" I yelled out as I ran between two builds, my feet came to a complete stop. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach, as I looked at the decimated building. I had no hope at that point... I knew that my father didn't make it out. He was a cripple and nobody cared for cripples other than a few people. I just stood there and stared at the budling my eyes not leaving it until I heard from above me a crack, feeling the ground shaking beneath me. "No... No. No, no, no, no, no." At the point of screaming, I took a step forward walking towards the house. My house, the place where I lived my whole life, the house where my younger sister had grown up in. Where my family had stayed.. It was gone. Everything was gone. I blocked out everything that was going on around me, completely forgetting that the dragon was even attacking this village.
Until my body was pushed with a strong force onto the ground. "What do you think you are doing Onyx?!" A loud angry voice yelled, as my senses came back to me in an instant. I looked up at them, a boy with tan skin, long blond hair, and bright green eyes. His face was in a twisted in an angry manner, he was around my age. "Lumir, what are you doing?" I asked pushing him off of me away from the fire. "I thought you were at the HIgh Elves council meeting." I was kinda offended that my best friend lied to me and all but what was I going to do? I couldn't do anything. "I was.." I took a step back, "It- well, it was boring and you know how much I hate boring things..." Slowly, he got up off of the ground and so did I. "You know what!" He yelled and grabbed my arm, "It doesn't matter, do you wanna die or not?!" He started to pull me away from my burning home. "I'd rather die, I've got nothing to live for anymore."
-
"So he really said that?" I slowly shook my head, hearing a more feminine voice enter into my ears. "Yeah, so I knocked him out for being so dumb," Lumir said softly. I felt a hand caress my face and I shivered at the cold touch. "Too bad it might leave a mark though, I didn't really think I had hit him that hard." I moved my face away from the hand and opened up my eyes slowly. "W..what is going on here?" I asked, slowly sitting up to look at the two black figures sitting on the bed in the overly dark room. "We are in a jail cell if that isn't obvious." The feminine said with a playfully cocky voice. That's when I finally realized who that was, "Rose, is that you?!" Lumir chuckled softly, "You didn't know who I was just by the sound of my voice?" She asked, sounding offended. "Noo..." I shook my head and said that, but they couldn't even see the action that I did. I bit my lip softly, then continued to speak, "But, why are we in a jail cell-"
Light from a hole on the floor emitted, "Is anyone up there?!" A voice whispered-yelled up. Rose swiftly got up and stepped over to the hole and looked down. "Three." She said plainly. There was the clanking of the big metal door on the floor, that was used to check on all the captives at once through a long tunnel system. It was pulled open, "Come on!" She said as she jumped down. Lumir walked over to the hole and gulped. I got up and looked down it, then snickered, "Stop being a baby, it isn't even that far of a drop." I said and I got onto my butt and dropped down into the hole. I looked around me and there were about 10 quiet people down here. "Lumir, come on. They aren't going to wait all day for you to man up." Rose spoke harshly, but quiet. "It was better her than I saying that." I thought to myself looking up at the younger boy. I put out my arms and sighed, "I'll catch you, so jump." I could hear others laugh around me, but I just ignored them. Lumir sat down and did exactly what I did. He slipped on the edge and fell down into the hole, by the look in his eyes you could see that he was absolutely terrified about getting hurt. I caught the younger boy in my arms, his face softens and he let out a long sigh. I moved to the side so others could pass me. "Thank you." He whispered to me as I set him down. I hummed and started to walk with the other people. I turned my head to look at a very short female, I was confused because she didn't look like she had done anything bad and neither did we. "Why are we down here?" I asked her. She looked up and sighed, "The stupid republic. They locked us in here because we weren't nords. God, if only I'd be able to get my hands on Talko's neck, he'd be in for a ringer." She said with a thick foreign accent. That made sense to me, I mean I'm a dark elf, Lumir is a light elf, and Rose is a Kajit. "What are you then?" The lady snickered, "She's a gnome." Lumir smiled butting in on the conversation. "What the scardy cat said." I started to silently laugh, she wasn't wrong he was a baby at times. "Don't laugh at me Onyx, I don't get out as much as you do." He lightly hit me on the shoulder, he lips slowly turned into a small pout. "Don't hit me."- "Don't laugh at me." - "You don't laugh at me."- "Stop copying me." - "That's what yours doing right now."- "Shut up." - "You shut up."- "M-"
"Alright you both shut up or I'm going to slit your throats." A deep voice behind us muttered. I could see Lumir tense up, both of us didn't dare to turn around and look at who said it. Everyone continued to walk as we passed other holes in the ceiling gaining more and more people. At the end of the tunnel was a huge opening that led to a cave. Everyone went silent as there a loud, "Who's there?!" Lumir clung onto my back, as Rose moved back behind me. Others moved to the front, those ones are the ones that obviously had some type of magic or weapon they could use to protect themselves. But we had nothing, nothing at all.
Echoing all around us there were the sounds of 'swooshing' and 'swishing'. The screams of the guards and escaping people were also present in all this. The people managed to overpower the guards and tie them up with whatever they had on hand. "Alright everyone let's get going." Someone waved their hand, people started to shuffle out past us.
I sighed but smiled knowing that they didn't kill those people. I looked behind me at my two friends and smiled lightly as we followed the group.
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Hello there! I got paired up with you for the critique circle, so prepare to receive your first comment/critique. (first ever on Reedsy :P)
Now, I'm going to talk about what you did well, what needs some work, and what you can do to fix it/make it better. I did take the liberty of reading Pt. 1 of this. I might get along to critiquing it, but most of what I have to say will be general, concerning your writing style as a whole.
From what I can tell, you have a good sense of space and time, and your characters are well organized (concerning where they are at any one moment). This is extremely useful, especially in action scenes where there's a lot going on. It's difficult to tell so far, but from what I've read you have a decent sense of plot, which will serve you well.
Now, on the flip side.
The first thing I noticed in reading this is helter-skelter style and grammar. The biggest incidence of this is with your paragraphs. I recommend looking up exactly when to make new paragraphs, but here are some basic guidelines: change whenever a new person speaks. For example:
Your dialogue: "I like grapes." "I don't like grapes." "I like milk better than grapes."
Proper dialogue:
"I like grapes."
"I don't like grapes."
"I like milk better than grapes."
Also change whenever you change point of view, line of thought, or view in the story. Imagine it like camera angles in a movie. If you can correctly organize your paragraphs, it will make your writing 1000% easier to read and understand.
For other style items...the sentence structure is all over the place, and so is punctuation. The best remedy I can advise here is just to read more novels. Look at what they do, and copy that. Eventually you'll gain an instinctive grasp of how to structure your sentences. However, the fastest way to learn structure and punctuation is to take a high school English course. (you can probably find ones online) These two items are another barrier between your audience and your story.
Pro tip: It's all about appearances.
Essentially, if the reader can easily absorb what you have to say without having to strain or stop, they will be WAY more likely to enjoy it, which is what you want. ;)
Don't worry if you can't do it immediately. Personally, I have been writing for over six years. I've written books, taken classes, studied, and devoured thousands of manuscripts in order to perfect my craft--I still have a long way to go.
However, here are some handy punctuation tips: commas are short pauses (each divides clauses), periods are full stops (divides thoughts)--read the story aloud to yourself and add in commas and periods where necessary. Em dashes (these --) are used to adjoin thoughts that are immediately related. They should show up as one solid line, but it depends on your word processor.
Moving on...
For word choice. You never want to use words repeatedly, unless you are emphasizing one aspect of something very strongly. For example, I noticed you use the word "deep" a lot, when talking about character's voices. To make it read better, come up with a list of words that could describe this character's voice. Every time you want to describe their voice, use one of the words, and never use the same one twice in a row--in fact try to use the one that you've used least so far. The thesaurus can be helpful here. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a book of synonyms. (writer's best friend)
As with before when I talked about sentence structure, reading more will make you better at this. You vocabulary will expand, and you'll start to talk like a college professor. Your friends will accuse you of being a walking dictionary, and you'll always be peeved when people don't use correct punctuation in text messages. (No, just kidding, that's me. XD...though that may end up being you too. :P)
For plot. Because you've divided this into parts, like a serialized novel, it's difficult to evaluate your plot. Just remember this: plots are driven on tension, which is created by conflict. Keep tension high, and you'll do good. Beyond that, take influence from TV episodes. Make each part the equivalent of an episode.
For character: there is so much I could say here, but I'm going to limit myself to two things. First, make them act real; logical. Second, don't fall into stereotypes. I recommend looking up and watching Terrible Writing Advice: Fantasy Characters on YouTube. It should be both amusing and helpful.
For device (also known as world building): I'll say a little more here, as you are a budding fantasy writer. I happen to have some experience with fantasy world building, so I can speak a bit more definitively on this issue...
First, don't copy others. This is the first rule. It's not a good idea to use other writers' fantasy races. The regular tropes of dwarves, elves, fairies and dragons are so overused it's not even worth talking about them.
Factoid: before J.R.R. Tolkien wrote Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit, the cliched fantasy races we know and overuse did not exist in their current forms. The Father of Fantasy created their images, and for fifty years we have faithfully copied him.
I implore you to create your own races, and to search the depths of your imagination. Audiences are so bored of elves, dwarves and dragons that they are no longer anything to bat an eye at, much less take seriously.
How many should you have? I'd recommend four to six total. Too many and you end up in a juggling act.
Magic: magic is a big ticket item in fantasy. Your magic system that you create can either make or break your novel. Remember a few rules, and you'll be fine;
1# Characters cannot have infinite abilities. There must be a price, either on their strength, their bodies, or their minds. Or, if they get energy from external sources, the sources cannot be unending.
2# Make clear rules that make sense, and stick to them.
3# Be simple. Anyone should be able to easily understand your magic system and how it works.
(For an amazing example of a writer who really knows magic, check out Brandon Sanderson. Stormlight Archive, Mistborn Trilogy, Warbreaker, Elantris, etc...)
Just a side note about mood...let your story dictate the mood. Use the words that feel right to create a natural feeling tone. :)
Aaaand, that brings us to the end of this very long and detailed critique!
I think you have a lot of potential, and can become a good writer with practice.
Keep on writing!!
--Leo,
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Thank you very much!!
I do like this comment because this is the type of stuff I wanna hear about the things that I write.
But I really do wanna clear somethings up with you that I think are very important. I have never in my life -ever- really read a fantasy novel. I kinda based this book off of a video game since I am a fan of what they do. That's kinda(- not kinda) exactly why I used the same terms and all. (But, don't worry because for a different story I am writing -not on reedsy.- I did call the cat people something I created. Well, I take that back, I made up the word without any help so if it is already a thing then. I don't know. lol. There also aren't any dragons, but there are elves since this story has much more to deal with actual magic. But you don't hear about them at all, like at all. Most of the people are human, you also have witches, warlocks, werewolf, (no vampires), and other things but yeah. But it's kinda for me since I am trying to beat my own record I set, but never really had a created plotline like I do in the new one I am creating.)
Also, I do agree with you that I do use the word 'deep' a lot. I just kinda write you know without really care so if there is a word I use too much I don't really go fix it. Being in school and all and writing they really clash. I would write while I am in school and then deem it good without reading it once I got home. Being that these are short stories and such they are much easier to write than novels in my opinion. But there are aspects I don't like about short stories since they have to have such strict criteria and all.
But again I thank you, and I very much appreciate this.(I am in highschool so- :0) I do think as time goes on I will improve on what I love to do and expand more,
"I may lack somethings... But this is me. I am my own personal source of imagination and for that, I do things, not for the entertainment of others. But for the entertainment of myself. "
-Meghan Callahan
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So, if you want to write fantasy, I cannot recommend enough that you READ fantasy. You can learn soooo much by just reading the same kind of stuff as you're writing. ;)
Also, don't worry about being in high school--so am I. It's not about how old you are, but how long you've written, and with what devotion. ;)
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