22 comments

Romance Funny Fiction

“I love my wife. She won’t be mad. I love my wife. She will be reasonable. I love my wife. Please, God. Don’t let her divorce me. Huh. Isn’t that where I left you this morning?” 


“They call it a Living Room for a reason. I’m living. And it’s Bon Bon hour. Why are you home so early?”


“Why are you so flushed?”


“The sugar rush, and Steve Harvey. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. Anyway, another jerk at work got you down?”


“Something like that.”


“Sit. I’ll go make you a drink. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, and Steve’s about to crack another joke. I can feel it. They say laughter is good for the soul.”


“Who says that? Steve Harvey?”


“Who cares. Have a drink and a laugh with me.”


“What would I do without you?”


“Wallow in your own filth, for certain.”


“Come here, baby. I need a hug.”


“Haha. How about a drink first?’


“Fine. I’ll go change. Make it a strong one.”


“You know what? Come here. I’m sorry. I’m being insensitive. Steve always says love each other first, ask questions later.”


“That Steve sounds like a smart guy. Maybe I should watch more of him. Hmmm.”


“What?”


“You smell like sex and candy.”


“Are you serenading me?”


“No. You actually smell like sex and candy.”


“And you smell like teen spirit, but the difference between you and me is, I wasn’t going to say anything. What are you hiding?”


“What are you hiding?”


“About ten extra pounds under my yoga pants. They’re stretchy, see?”


“Fine! I lost my job.”


“You what?! How does one lose a job, exactly? It’s not a pair of keys!” 


“It’s going to be okay. I already spoke to a recruiter on the way home. Now, let me go change and maybe wash off my angst.”


“Why did they fire you?”


“Fire is a strong word. They let me go.”


“Well then, why did they let you go?”


“I didn’t meet my sales quota for the last three quarters.”


“But I’ve seen your commission checks. They’ve been on par with all of the other quarters. This doesn’t make sense. Did you ask them for proof?”


“No.”


“Check that eye roll!”


“Of course, I asked them to show me where I failed to meet their expectations. The head of Finance said they increased my quarterly quotas at the beginning of the year to cover the expenses of that new firm they purchased in Europe. There was a company-wide memo that went out. I didn’t see it, I guess.”


“How could you not see a memo addressing the very thing your job hinges upon? And don’t you dare say, I don’t know!”


“Honestly, I wanted to go back and look in my emails, but they’d already removed my access. I don’t think there was a memo. I meet with my manager every week to discuss my accounts. None of this makes sense. But as I said, we’ll be fine. We’ve got savings, and I’ve got plenty of contacts. This is just a hiccup.”


“Speaking of hiccups. I’ve got them.”


“Jesus. What time did you start drinking?”


“What time did you leave this morning?”


“Maybe you should think about going back to work.”


Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten sacked. Besides, you know how hard it is for me to stand for long periods. Or sit for long periods. It’s my sciatica. Ever since the accident.” 


“Which reminds me. Are you allowed to drink alcohol with the pills the doctor has you on?”


“I don’t think they work unless I do drink alcohol.”


“I think you need to get on some kind of health regimen. It might help your back feel better. What happened to your physiotherapy?”


“What really happened with your job?”


“Let’s have that drink.”


“It was that girl, wasn’t it? The one who complained about you. You said it was nothing. That you took care of it.”


“I did! I apologized for saying she looked lovely. I still don’t see the problem with that. Why can’t a man compliment a woman at work anymore?”


“You can. If you aren't being creepy about it. Were you being creepy about it?”


“Am I creepy when I compliment you?”


“Well, if you said it the way you just told me I smelled like sex and candy, then yeah. It’s not exactly a compliment, then, is it?”


“Well, I talk differently to you than I’d talk to a woman at work.”


“Why are you even talking to women at work for something other than work?”


“Because we are together all day, every day. And sometimes we travel together. It’s hard not to be friendly and get a little personal.”


“How personal?”


“Look. This is silly. I just want a hot shower and sit with my feelings for a little bit.”


“I thought you wanted me to make you a drink?”


“Why won’t you let me go change?”


“I think I like the smell of teen spirit. Reminds me of our youth.”


“We aren’t that old.”


“Old enough to feel old.”


“Christ. What if I’m too old to find another job?”


“You’re not too old to find another job. That’s not even a thing.”


“It’s totally a thing. It’s called ageism. It’s like sexism and racism, but for old people.”


“And what’s considered old in the workplace?”


“I don’t know. Anyone who has grey hair?”


“Well, that wouldn’t be ageism. That would be whatever ism applies to your appearance. Appearancism? Lookism? Whatever. Besides, grey hair is in fashion. Haven’t you seen those millennials with their dyed hair? The other day, a girl at the market asked me who did my hair. I wasn’t sure what she meant until she said she loved the color. I told her God. Then she asked me if he was local. I don’t have hope for the future of our species. Now let me fix you that drink. Two olives?”


“Yes. And make it dry. Very dry.”


“Feeling that bad, huh?”


“No. I just like my drinks dry and my women wet. Bring me that drink and get over here.”


“I like unemployed you. It’s sexy.”


“Cheers.”


“Ahem. Excuse me. But you’re all fixed up, ma’am.”


“Jesus Christ! Who the hell is this?”


“The plumber.”


“Geek Squad.”

February 18, 2023 18:08

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22 comments

Molly Kelash
18:04 Feb 27, 2023

LOL! My favorite line: "The other day, a girl at the market asked me who did my hair. I wasn’t sure what she meant until she said she loved the color. I told her God. Then she asked me if he was local. I don’t have hope for the future of our species." This was so much fun! Interlaced in the humor, though, I saw in it a kind of modern pathos--the disaffected, cheating wife, the sexist husband living through the small lens of toxic masculinity. Well done!

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KT George
19:30 Feb 27, 2023

That section was sort of based on a true story, believe it or not!! I was traveling with a friend who has outstanding salt & pepper hair. Someone on the train stopped her and asked her where she got her hair done because the colors were perfect. 🤣 I am happy it made you laugh but that you also caught my tongue-in-cheek undertones. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

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Viga Boland
00:47 Feb 21, 2023

My favorite kind of writing…dialogue…and my favorite genre: humor. Winning combo for this reader. Nicely done. I’ve selected this prompt too but I’m seeing so many good dialogue pieces by those I follow, like you, I’m kinda losing my nerve. Funny that you and I both wrote about an older couple talking about getting it on toward the end… and then? Surprise! Oh, a little thing you might want to correct: “health regiment” should be “regimen”. Or was that intentional?

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KT George
14:48 Feb 21, 2023

Thank you, Viga! I appreciate your kind words. Don't lose your nerve. The point of writing prompts is to getting you writing, and if we have similar stories, I want to be able to read yours! :) Thank you for the heads-up on the edit. I often do this...use the wrong word. English is hard. Hahaha.

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Viga Boland
19:05 Feb 21, 2023

Glad to help where I can. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll submit my silliness shortly. Tired of editing it 😂

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Roger Scypion
07:04 Feb 20, 2023

The story moved along at a nice pace with the right sprinkles of comedy throughout. Kudos!

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KT George
16:37 Feb 20, 2023

Thank you for taking the time to comment and review, Roger! I'm happy you found it funny. Not my normal writing style. :)

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Wendy Kaminski
00:04 Feb 19, 2023

lol! :) Nicely done, Kt! The comedy and drama moved along at an impressive intertwined clip. Really enjoyable!

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KT George
04:20 Feb 19, 2023

Thank you, Wendy! I thought some funny dialogue would be a good change of pace from my normal angsty-killery (is that a word?) stuff. Hahaha.

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Wendy Kaminski
18:06 Feb 26, 2023

You are on the recommended list, Kt! Congratulations! (That's where they pull the shortlisters and winners from, but it's an honor in its own right, regardless of the outcome!)

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KT George
18:15 Feb 26, 2023

What? How do you see that?! Yay! I'm so excited. Thank you for letting me know!

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Wendy Kaminski
18:20 Feb 26, 2023

Go to "Stories" tab and click on one of your tags. I clicked the Romance one, for your story. The first three listed are always previous winners. The next 3 are always this week's contest's "Recommended Reading." The judge who evaluated your story before releasing it has the option to put it there, if they think it's good. Yours is listed. :)

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Laurel Hanson
22:28 Feb 18, 2023

Funny. And no idea how you got this out so fast! I'm still mulling the prompt over!

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KT George
04:18 Feb 19, 2023

Thanks, Laurel! Honestly, I don't know where it came from. It was definitely 'inspired' by the muse. Not my normal dark and thriller-y stuff! lol.

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Lily Finch
19:11 Feb 18, 2023

Kt, Nicely done. It is a very funny dialogue. Oh, and oh so cleverly accomplished. I enjoyed this one. LF6.

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KT George
21:30 Feb 18, 2023

Thanks, Lily! Not my normal murderino stuff. LOL. Happy to hear I can pull off humor too. ~ KTG

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Lily Finch
22:19 Feb 18, 2023

Yup, you sure can! LF6.

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Zack Powell
09:10 Mar 03, 2023

This is one of my favorites that I read this week, Kt, not just from this prompt but from all of them. Really shows how you can let the dialogue set the scene for you, and the humor itself is fantastic. I really love natural the dialogue sounds, with people "talking past" each other at certain points and choosing to evade other questions. It's realistic because people don't just go around having 1-to-1 question-answer-question-answer conversations all the time. You really know your characters here and it shows. Plus, this just feels like a s...

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KT George
14:05 Mar 03, 2023

Thank you for the amazing feedback, Zack! The funny thing about this piece is that I woke up and just started writing it. I always try and mix a little humor into even my dark pieces, but this one just flowed from the get-go as romantic and funny. I'd love to say that some of it was inspired by true events but if I did that, I'd have to reveal which ones! Haha. Thanks again. I'm honored by your feedback. ~ KTG

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Wally Schmidt
04:34 Feb 28, 2023

LOL so funny . I am not entirely sure you wrote this though...it's so natural I thought that maybe you just plopped yourself down in someone's living room and took notes. Love the back and forth, the humor, and the dynamics between the two characters

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KT George
14:40 Feb 28, 2023

Thank you, Wally. Although I'd like to think I'm funny in RL, when I write, I tend towards darker subjects. This just flowed one morning, like this couple was in my head! Maybe I WAS picking up on the neighbors. Which ones? 🤔🤣

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Wally Schmidt
15:14 Feb 28, 2023

I'm with you on that. IRL I am funny and positive and then when I write, well, not so much. I can occasionally pull off a one liner, but to do a dialogue, I've never even attempted that. Check out some of Deidra Whitt Lovegren's stories here if you want to see some top-notch funny dialogue and stay away from the neighbors.

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