10...
"Please Rowan, please don't do this!" Othello cried. I smiled sadly as I saw my knight running to me. It's such a shame that my love's soot covered, terrified face will be the last memory I'll ever have of him. The plan was going so well too. Our battalions near the castle were successful in infiltrating, the cavalry were stopping the traitorous knights from entering the city, and I actually managed to find my father. But of course, was always two steps in front of me. Father had used his enchanted scepter to broadcast his throne room into the sky for everyone to see. The entire city and I could see, in real time, the terrified soldiers that had been captured and dragged to Father's throne room to die. Father's guard had swords pointing at their necks, occasionally nicking them and spilling little trails of crimson down their necks. As we all watched in horror, Father made his announcement. "My dear son, why did you think you could actually win against me?" The words echoed in my ears as I heard the terrified pleas of my comrades. "I'm the one who taught you everything you know. The only reason I let you succeed thus far is to watch your face as I crush everything you love. But I'm tired of these silly game you've been playing."
Then, he struck the killing blow: "The only way to stop all of the pain and torture is your death. You're clearly not fit to be king of you can't even beat your predecessor. But don't worry, the kingdom and all of your allies will be spared form execution. I do warn you though..." His face filled the shaky picture, his eyes flashing with hatred, "If you try to use any tricks to continue this foolish plan again-" A sword slashed through a girl's throat, spilling thick, dark red blood all over her dress. "Well, I won't be keeping my promise. I expect your corpse to be delivered to me by sunrise. Goodbye, Prince Rowan." I could see the life fading from the girl's eyes as she slumped over, and hear my father's cruel laughter as the illusion finally faded. And's that why I'm standing at the edge of this cliff, silently saying goodbye to my boyfriend. We had so many plans for the future, from killing my father, getting married, rebuilding the kingdom back to it's former glory... But in order to save Othello and everyone else's future, I had to do this. I needed to do this. It was my royal duty to protect my people, no matter the cost. I closed my eyes, spread my arms out wide and stepped backward off the cliff.
9...8...
The cold air rushed up to meet me as I began my fall. My torn, bloodied clothes were flapping alongside me like broken angel wings. As I fell, I took one last look at the sky. It used to be such a bright gorgeous blue. When we were younger, Othello and I used to sit on the palaces grassy field and look up at the white clouds flowing gently through the air. There was a lake nearby and we would take off our shoes and dip our feet into the cool water. "If Father didn't keep my trapped in the castle all day, I would want us to live in the sky." I said dreamily. Othello laughed and pulled me close to lean on his shoulder.
"Yeah...We could make a house out of clouds, drink rain straight from the sky, and look at shooting stars before we go to sleep." Othello had smiled his gorgeous smile before ruffling my hair. "Together in the sky we would finally be happy. Finally be free." That moment seemed like so long ago. Now the sky was a deep, dark gray, the clouds were choked with thick black smoke. Fireballs streamed through the air, exploding in bright bursts of light and intense heat. Black and white ash fell from the sky like soft gentle rain. Despite the chaos, it was kind of beautiful to watch. I smiled even bigger, feeling tears streaming down my face. If this was the last thing I see before I die, then I was going to appreciate every second of it. But, what was that weird shape flying through the sky...?
7...6...
"Rowan!" I gasped as Othello came flying over the cliff, crying furiously and his arms outstretched towards me. I barley had time to register he was there before we collided together, spinning as we neared the crashing waves below. No, no this wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to die to save him, to save all of my people from my father and his cruelty! This was supposed to show my sacrifice, my devotion to the kingdom!
"What're you doing?! I'm supposed to die, only me!" Othello held me tighter, his rough hands finding and holding me close.
"No, I'm not letting you do this alone! If you're going to go, we go together." I cried harder, trying to pull away, but Othello held fast. "Please, please save yourself! Use one of the flight spells and join up with the rest-" "Don't worry, Juniper knows the whole plan and how to continue. As soon as she heard the message, she understood. I promised that I would make this successful for you." Othello gently cupped my face, softly kissed my cheeks and looked deep into my eyes. "Think about it, we get to save everyone fighting, we can stay together forever...and we can finally build our castle in the sky... And be free." I sobbed and pulled my knight closer to kiss away his tears, smoothing his hair back from his face. We were almost halfway down the cliff, the sounds of the waves against the rocks getting louder and louder. "Together..." I whispered, touching my forehead to his, "We're going to be free."
5...4...
We were nearly there now. Othello and I were falling faster, the wind whistling in our ears as we neared our death. I could see the seafoam lapping up against the rocks, and nearly feel the sharp jagged points as another fireball illuminated the sharp points down below. The fear was starting to set in, maybe this wasn't the right idea, maybe I could try another trick or something-no, no my father was way too smart to fall for something so juvenile. And Othello, I could never betray him like that. I agreed to do this for my country, and for my love and I wasn't gonna go back now.
3...
I shook and sobbed as we neared the wet and shiny rocks. I prayed for a quick death, trying not to think about the broken bones protruding from our bodies, my possibly crushed skull, and the rivulets of blood that would be staining the rocks after the impact. I buried my face in Othello's jacket and waited with bated breath for the end. But as we were feet away from the rocks, something miraculous happened: the rocks seemed to smooth themselves and shift away, leaving only waves of water behind. A soft turquoise glow illuminated underneath the water as it began to swirl and spiral into a large whirlpool.
2...
Othello and I watched in shock as the water stretched towards us, wrapping around our arms like cool ribbons. Our fall seemed to slow down as we came closer to the babbling water. I looked back to see the water wrapping around his neck and his face. From his worried look, it seemed the same thing was happening to me. The bubbles popped against our faces, and the light began to glow brighter and brighter. In spite of the chaos, the fire and our possible demise, I felt calm and safe in the water's grasp. I would think that drowning in sentient water would be an even worse death, but the compulsion to give in overrode my fear of the unknown.
1.
We glided through the water, passing through the fizzy bubbles and light into the inky depths below. The glow began to swirl around Othello and I, as if it were greeting us. Something felt familiar about it, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why it felt so friendly. "My my you two," a voice chided, "You both always seem to be in trouble whenever we see each other." I tried to respond, but the sudden rush of salty water in my mouth and nose quickly prevented that. I looked over to Othello in a panic, only to find him sleeping soundly in a cocoon made of glowing water. "Don't worry Prince Rowan, your knight will be just fine. All you need to do is sleep alongside him." A sudden wave of pleasant and overwhelming drowsiness overcame my entire being. My body felt warm and limp, like a blanket being heated by a crackling fire. My eyes felt heavier and heavier until I could barely keep them open. As I was sinking deeper into sleep, I could faintly hear the voice speaking again.
"When you wake up, we have much to discuss. I think it's high time I pay back my debts to both of you."
My body was being surrounded by cool, shimmering water. I could feel a slight chill run down my arms and legs as the cocoon wrapped around me. As it began to seal itself around my head, I could feel the tiny bubbles fizz against my ears and popping on my cheeks. The blue glow finally faded from my vision and I finally slipped into unconsciousness.
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Hi Virtual Chesse Emporium! I hope this day finds you well.
This is a really fun story. The premise would make for a very intriguing novel if you were inclined to expand upon it. I love fantasy and this hits all the fantasy beats for me from Princes and Knights to tyrant Fathers. I think you great use of the prompt and the numeration throughout really hammers home that all this is indeed happening during the course of ten seconds.
However, I will say that I found several grammatical errors throughout. Mostly typos. Some structure.
For example: "Our battalions near the castle were successful in infiltrating" Is a bit awkward because the infiltrating is a verb, and while I know the sentence does mention the castle, implying they were infiltrating the castle, I didn't understand it first. The reason why is because castle isn't the subject of the sentence, it is the battalions. Therefore, when I read infiltrating, I expected you to continue and state what the battalions were infiltrating.
As for the rest of the sentence: "Our battalions near the castle were successful in infiltrating, the cavalry were stopping the traitorous knights from entering the city, and I actually managed to find my father." I believe it would be clearer if each action were either separate sentence or made a little more concise.
Then the sentence that follows has a bit of typo: "But of course, was always two steps in front of me. " There is a lack of a noun or subject here. "But of course, [name or thing should be here] was always two steps in front of me. Perhaps the implication here is that Rowan means his father. But for me, the reader, my thought was "who?"
Another note is that you could make more use of your paragraphs.
For example: "And's that why I'm standing at the edge of this cliff, silently saying goodbye to my boyfriend. We had so many plans for the future, from killing my father, getting married, rebuilding the kingdom back to it's former glory... But in order to save Othello and everyone else's future, I had to do this. I needed to do this. It was my royal duty to protect my people, no matter the cost. I closed my eyes, spread my arms out wide and stepped backward off the cliff." This part at the end of paragraph number two is the start of a new subject. Paragraphs should start when the subject has shifted or the attention. Of course that can be up to style as well as your intention. However in this case, I believe this part of paragraph would add to overall cohesion of your story more were it created into a new paragraph, thus becoming paragraph 3 rather than this story's current paragraph three.
Lastly you tend to use hedging language, which I understand, I do it a lot too. (Along with over utilizing adverbs, but hey that's me not you haha.)
For example: "the rocks seemed to smooth themselves and shift away, leaving only waves of water behind."
Using hedging language like "seemed" takes away from the sentence by making it a bit more bloated and/or less active.
From what I understand the rocks did indeed move away, say "the rocks smoothed themselves and shifted away" because that is what happened. Simply be direct. It will greatly improve your action and imagery. Not to say the word "seemed" does not have it place, but in this instance, I feel this sentence would be stronger without it.
Otherwise your story is pretty great, and I had a lot of fun reading it. These are interesting characters and I'm quite invested in their tragic romance. That and you had some really lovely imagery, like the Father's face in the sky.
But this line: "My torn, bloodied clothes were flapping alongside me like broken angel wings." This line especially made me go "Wow." It's so pretty and evocative. Really good job there.
Thank you for deciding to share this work with the world, I am glad to have been able to read it. And I hope my critique is ultimately helpful towards your writing journey. If not, then just think of it as me cheering you on.
I look forward to reading and commenting on more of your work.
Sincerely, Fabi M.
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This is awesome! Great use of the prompt!
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