A Slogan For Every Town

Americans will drive anywhere if it has a decent website and a catchy slogan. My wife and I saw several billboards advertising Arkansas's largest natural land bridge while driving to Little Rock. We didn't plan on seeing a land bridge that day, but, by golly, we did see a land bridge that day. Why? Because we're suckers for flashy advertising. The billboards promised an experience of a lifetime. It delivered a gift shop, an 1850s cabin (not sure what that had to do with the land bridge), and a broken land bridge. That's right. No one was allowed to cross the bridge. It's funny how none of the billboards mentioned that.

But I can't judge too harshly. My own town flashes its fantastic website to unsuspecting tourists, promising unlimited fun and adventure. Now, I don't want to sound disparaging, but we're an old train town whose downtown is literally falling apart. But you wouldn't suspect that from viewing the website. It portrays my small town as the prettiest in America, well, at least in the area. And let me take a moment to praise the photographers. I mean, the skills they had to employ to transform our average town into a tourist hot spot are breathtaking. I don't even recognize my own town. That's how good these guys are.

The reality is we have the State Fairgrounds. It's our claim to fame and our only claim to fame. It's open for ten days each summer and then used by state agencies for the other 355 days. Events are sporadically held at various buildings inside the fairgrounds throughout the year, and if you're interested, they can be a lot of fun. I'm just saying, don't plan to stay the week. You'll quickly find you were duped—probably by the end of day one.

Despite reality, American towns can't help themselves. They build their sites and create their slogans without shame. I've come across a few in an Explore Minnesota 2024 travel guide (I picked it up at a hotel I recently stayed in).

Winona, Minnesota, population 25,948. This small town along the Mississippi River makes a lofty claim: the Miami of Minnesota. I cannot for the life of me come up with a reason. A river can't compare with an ocean. And I'm positive they don't have detectives in suit jackets with rolled-up sleeves. I wish I were in the town meeting that voted for that slogan. I figure it must have gone something like this:

"Well, yes, Mrs. Gertrud, we do border a body of water."

"You're right, Mrs. Gertrud, we are in southern Minnesota."

"I suppose I can't argue with you, Mrs. Gertrud. Miami does border a body of water and is in southern Florida."

"But, Mrs. Gertrud, we can't just call ourselves the Miami of Minnesota. It would be misleading."

"Sorry, did you say thousands of tourist dollars?"

"All in favor of our new slogan, say I. All those opposed remember thousands of tourist dollars."

Buffalo, Minnesota, population 18,168. This even smaller town has no body of water, but they have imagination. They realized there was absolutely no reason for tourists to visit their town. But some enterprising visionaries suggested they purchase 23 to 25 life-sized buffalo statues (the exact number is debatable) and spread them throughout town. The idea is that tourists can "hunt them."

I sooo want to do this. Checking off lists is my kryptonite. I'm sure they have a "hunters" list. Wait. I'm such a simpleton, sucked in by buffalo statues. Man, this town is good.

Austin, Minnesota, population of 26,174. Austin elected to skip a slogan and instead reel in tourists with spam. You heard me correctly. The world-famous SPAM Museum resides in this tin-can town. This is the only place in the world you can learn about America's mystery meat. Although I'd be surprised if they actually say what's in their "meat."

Warroad, Minnesota, population 1,781. The residents of Warroad are very pragmatic. Their slogan of choice is more a statement of fact than a catchy tourist hook: The only city on Lake of the Woods. This is undeniable. There isn't much around the interestingly named lake. This isolated community is only a seven mile drive from Canada. They're closer to Winnipeg than the twin cities. However, calling themselves a city is a bit of a stretch. Did you notice the population?

Fargo, North Dakota, has a population of 133,188. It is by far the largest town that felt the need to advertise its slogan: North of Normal. My wife and I stayed the night in Fargo once. It appeared normal to us, but apparently, we were wrong. All normal cities are south of Fargo.

Since this is supposed to be a short, creative nonfiction story, I'll speed things up a tad. The following towns are all in Minnesota, which makes sense since they are in a Minnisota travel guide, and the slogans are real.

Alexandria: so…much…fun… The ellipses scare me.

Waconia: For all seasons. They skip tourists and go for lifers.

Stillwater: Birthplace of Minnesota. What does that even mean?

Richfield: Right where you want to be. How did they know?

Shakopee: Where the Midwest comes to play. I've lived in the Midwest all my life, and I've never played here.

Roseville: Perfectly positioned. Positioned for what? A staging base to invade Canada? 

Little Falls: A true Mississippi River town. Beware of false Mississippi River towns.

Litchfield: From city lights to starry nights. They mean, there's no town, only tent camping. 

Grand Rapid: The outdoor mecca of the north. I'm not an outdoorsman, so I have no opinion. 

Bemidji: Great moments. We all need more of these.

Longville: Something for everyone. Very inclusive.

Northfield: Minnesota at its best. What do the mediocre towns think of this slogan? 

Sleepy Eye: Experience it all. Very ambitious for a town with sleep in its name.

10,000 lakes one Lake City. There's no arguing with that.

I'm not sure who is responsible for town slogans, but they sure are good at transforming our familiar homes into unrecognizable tourist traps. But let's not be too hard on them. After all, which one of us doesn't enjoy thousands of tourist dollars?