a Lonesome Lullaby for a Larva

a Lonesome Lullaby for a Larva 

The first time I moved out of a small town and into a city that was big, so big, in fact, that it was the capital of the country that it was located at; and so what that tells you, is that this city, if nothing else, must have at least had a high respect in the eyes of its peers and by an entire nation of people of one whole country, that event took place in a Third World country. I was just a kid, right before I would start going to school, and I remember that I was excited. I was really really excited. I was imagining all sorts of shit. Everything was going to get bigger and better. And I did keep that enthusiasm with me for some time, but after a while everything started feeling exactly the same as the previous town did. A bunch of my problems were solved, and a couple of new one had now appeared. Some things were better and some more or less things were no worse. All the main problems were certainly still there.

And then I started going to school. Unlike my anticipation of the image of school was, being a place of order; the place where things finally made sense, I found myself surrounded by a bunch of dumb illiterate backward savages. These people didn’t know a goddamn thing about anything. And it was chaotic. All the main problems still remained.

And so for the second time in my life, I hoped that things would start getting serious, and start making sense maybe in grade 3, or 4, or definitely 6, I thought to myself, when I 

Passed that one test accidentally and became involved with that whole “National Organization for Development of Exceptional Talents” scheme. I think I will refer to it as “NODET” from now on; it took me a little while typing that whole thing. Holy hell.

But anyway, as you can probably guess by the notion of the story up until this point, there were no exceptional talents there, certainly not me, and certainly not the teachers. Everybody was still as clueless as a bat that hasn’t learned how send his voice and then receive it back and then analyze it and hence see, and hence blind. All the main problems were still there. 

The big transition never did happen, and every single year, time and time again, I was always surrounded by people who looked more and more lost the more I got to look at them.

And so a week ago, when I moved out of my parents’ house, and from our small town and into a big city, this time in a first world country, I had stopped expecting things to change by now. I remember when we had first moved here, I remember not being able to contain myself from the excitement of visiting a McDonald's store for the first time, and the second time, and probably the next couple of times. And then at some point that shifted into an uncontained fear from seeing them contaminating every place I go like a poisonous mushroom. 

Things just somehow never get better.

So you walk out of the big shopping center, with a bag filled with seven different types of cheese, different body parts of four different animals, and a bunch of other ridiculous shit, and then you walk out that immense shopping center, and right there and there, right as you do that, you come across a homeless guy. And so it reminds you that all this is, is just a high side of a seesaw and how the higher the high goes, the lower something has to be, all the cons to everything, ever. It reminds you how the system running this city is crooked, there are evidently some “gaps”; step into it and you fall. That’s what happened to these people; they took a wrong step somewhere in this crazy tango dance of society we were running, and so they fell all the way down here, disqualified to be a part of our little game, the society membership card has been taken from them and don’t we all know, that it is not easy getting that back. And you can fall too. Look away or don’t, it doesn’t matter, you know that you are deep enough into this game that you could take a misstep at any moment, one wrong move and you will be with them, a new kid in the playground, ready to be stolen from and be offered heroin to, or whatever protocols they follow to welcome newcomers.

It really baffles me how we are so involved with all this human stuff and how this is an unbelievably small part of everything, and how everybody knows that. And everybody knows the real problems, and yet they continue making new ones. I’m too busy dealing with the fact that I’m going to be dead one day, that the moon and the sun will come and go billions and billions of times after I’m dead; I don’t have time for whatever silly play you’re trying to run here.

That’s the real problem; that we are conscious monkeys, the intensity of the irreversibly of time, pushing us towards our graves, where we will join the maggots for dinner. Being burned down to ash and being scattered into the nothingness doesn’t sound any more appealing, and that’s the problem. Hell, everybody is always lonely; that’s what we are, a lonely planet filled with lonely beings, we are all lonely together.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just going crazy; maybe it’s just me. I mean Jesus, I don’t think these are normal thoughts to be having while you’re finding a parking spot. The goddamn parking spots; I should've really squeezed that somewhere in the middle of the section about the fuckedupness of big cities. This is my own house, god damn it,I signed the renting papers, and gave those greedy bastards a part of my soul, just to spend 10 minutes to find a place every time I’m parking my car.

Wait a second, is that my ex-girlfriend I'm seeing over there? The girl I lost my virginity to four years ago? The only person I have ever kissed in my life? The woman that I so passionately adore, that every time I think about her it scatters my heart into a million aching pieces? What is she doing here? 

Oh, it appears that she’s my new neighbor. Well, what are you gonna do. Such is life, as we have been discussing for quite some time here. Oh and who is that with her? Looks awfully similar to her most recent boyfriend. Well, with that big piece of puzzle, he probably is him I suppose. They’re living together huh? Damn. They all sure seem pretty happy; my enchanting lover, her partner, and that baby he’s holding. 

Fucking hell, did they really have to have a baby AND a dog? Fuck. Whatever. What did I expect?  

THE END