The Filthy Trousers

“What I want to know is, WHO is going to pay the cleaning bill for my trousers? Just LOOK at them! It’s disgusting. This young idiot was too busy talking to you two fools, and not watching what he was doing.”

“Listen my friend, I’ve already apologised to you. I don’t mean to be rude, but you weren’t born yesterday, and you should have been more careful – you know what can happen when you’re walking past a fence. Sometimes shit hits it. Young Simon here is a hard worker, and he doesn't need you putting him down for doing his job.”

“It could have been worse – the shit could have hit the fan.”

“Shut UP, Simon. You’re about as helpful as tits on a snake, you are. Obviously shit hitting the fan isn’t as bad as shit hitting the fence. For one thing, FANS are INSIDE the house. People don’t get shit all over their trousers from walking under a FAN now, do they? Who’s going to be throwing shit near the fan to begin with?”

“Now, now, Oscar, that’s a bit harsh. It’s alright Simon, my lad. I can see how shit hitting a fan could get messy, but of course, statistically speaking, walking past a fence when the garden’s being fertilised really is more of a risk when it comes to ‘accidents’.”

“Exactly, Reg, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I mean, throwing shit at a fan is a stupid thing to do anyway. And as for whether it’s messy or not, if the fan isn’t turned on and no one’s standing under it, well there’s no real harm done anyway, is there?”

“Heaven SAVE me from these morons! You STILL haven’t answered my question. WHO IS GOING TO PAY THE CLEANING BILL FOR MY TROUSERS?”

“One, two, THREE, lads!”

“YOU are!”

“LOOK! You should have been watching where you were going. Walking past fences without paying attention just INVITES trouble. And if I didn’t know better, I’d say you did that deliberately – just waiting until the shit hit the fence so that you could walk past and start a fight. You’re bored, that’s your problem.”

“I know you think I’m simple, Oscar, but I haven’t been alive as long as you, and I haven’t been out of this town yet, while you’ve been all over. Well, I mean, you’ve got your own van, and you go on road trips, and you’ve even been on a boat out to the islands, and everything. So there’s no way I’d try to be ‘smart’ in front of you.”

“Get to the bloody point, Simon.”

“Well, you’re going to say I’m slow, but I’ve just put two and two together over here. I never knew where the expression comes from about shit hitting the fence. Honestly. I was SURE my Gramps used to talk about it hitting the fan. But after this situation, I realise it must be about shit hitting the fence and Gramps had it wrong.”

“Come on, boys, we’ve wasted enough time on this already. All this talking isn’t going to get the job finished today.”

“Ok, Reg, but I just wanted to ask you and Oscar one more question about these sayings people use. I always get them wrong. I’m not good at reading, I get the words jumbled up, and I’m always saying the wrong thing and people take me for an idiot.”

“Alright, Simon, one more question, but that’s it. I don’t want to be here till the cat drags its dinner home.”

“Ok, so why do they say that someone ‘is as mad as a meat helmet’, when someone is angry, but then they also say that someone can be ‘as mad as fat cat’ when they mean that they’ve got a leaky tap in the belfry? And how do you find out what these sayings mean in the first place?”

“Alright, alright, I’m going. There’s no point expecting any of you morons to pay for my dry cleaning because I can’t imagine who employed you in the first place.”

“Now listen, if you stick around here, being rude and listening to our private conversation while we’re at work, and interrupting us, I’ll call my brother-in-law to come around and sort you out for being a nuisance. He’s a good copper, and he doesn’t take to public nuisances, so you don’t want me dobbing you in. Clear off. Last warning. We’ve wasted too much time on you already.”

“Reg, I can answer Simon’s question if you want to get rid of this one.”

“Yeah, go on then. I don’t think I’ve heard the one about the leaky tap in the belfry.”

“Simon, these sayings are called pearls because everyone just knows them. We say them all the time, and you should be able to figure out which type of ‘mad’ they mean because of how everyone’s feeling in the conversation, frankly. But if you can’t, just think about what the words are saying. Being as ‘mad as a fat cat’ obviously means having a ‘leaky tap in the belfry’ (I haven’t heard that one before either, Reg. I’d like to know where you heard it, Simon, it’s a good one) because they’re both very silly things. When a cat gets fat it’s because it’s overeating, and it should have more sense because it can’t run fast if it’s fat and a big dog comes after it. And as for being as ‘mad as a meat helmet’, well, how would YOU like it if someone made a helmet out of meat and put it on your head? You couldn’t blame anyone for being angry about it, could you?”

“Oooooh, I think I get it now. Thank you, Oscar. I’m going to bed less stupid tonight, I reckon.”

“Don’t bet on it. You’ll never get further than the end of the street if you listen to these two halfwits.”

“That’s it. I warned you.

Hello, Ben? Yeah, it’s Reg. I need your help if you’re not too busy. There’s a bloke here making a pelican of himself, and my lads and I are never going to finish this landscaping job today at number 5, Sunnydale Road, if we have to put up with him any longer. First, I saw him standing on the corner, and he looked at us, and saw what we were doing, but then walks right past the fence when we’re throwing the fertilizer around and wastes a good half hour of our time, ripping us a new windpipe about how we have to give him money to dry clean his trousers. And then when we send him down the right garden fork with that idea, he sticks around listening while my crew and I try to blow off the cobwebs, and has the bloody chest hair to call us stupid.”