A LITTLE TRIP

The lady with the bright blue hat looked on as her speckled cat was swatting at the firefly as it went trapesing by. She then spied a spider whose bottom half was wider, with a hangman's noose beside her, attempt to end it all. Her puppy wouldn't have it, but as he tried to grab it, a caterpillar stabbed it so it could watch her fall. The lady thought it tragic, the speckled cat cried, Magic! The puppy pawed a maggot to forget about it all.

The parachute won't open, the elephant had spoken, the latch inside was broken, the monkey did it all. His mother cried for mercy, but the lion king was thirsty, he drank 'til he was bursting, and so didn't see the fall. The witch doctor was summoned to check out what had plummeted, so he laid aside the remnant of torn and ragged chute. But as he searched for carnage, he came upon the harness and, in keeping with his largess, announced it's just a newt. The amphibians were mortified, the next of kin were notified, they marched in protest side by side, and won a legal suit.

A teacher stood before the board explaining what was wrong. The kids were flat, they couldn't sing or learn a simple song. The principal looked all around at faces fraught with care. But why to us you choose to come and with this crisis share? I beg your pardon, man in charge, aren't you the one to see? How are we to charm the town with this stunning lack of glee? I have a thought, one hand shot up, I know what you can do. Instead of using mouths to sing, how 'bout on this you chew? It was the baker who spoke out and aided his own cause. The next time they were gathered, t'was a Bake Sale filled their jaws.

I know what happens when you ride atop a buzzard's head. The flea was bragging to his dog and this is what he said. There are no feathers on the scalp, the skin is all you see. But also folds where you can hide, a cozy place to be. I must admit I'm special, I'm sure you would agree. Why settle to be canine after spending time with me. The dog had listened closely, he knew to be polite. He waited 'til the flea was done, and saw the time was right. With one big scratch, the flea detached, and with a giant sneeze, the flea was once more in the air, at last the dog was free.

If you move the bricks so the key fits, there's no telling what's inside. No witness to this secret place can say you won't survive. For all we know, it's made of gold and anyone would thrive. No one that's ever tried it though came back to us alive. Some legends say it's haunted. Some would say it's not, but either way, you'll rue the day you tested what they thought. But why do people do that? Why can't they stay away? Just pay the rent and be content to live another day.

Hot jazz came spewing from the cow, this made the farmer swoon. The chickens began laying eggs, the goat bayed at the moon. The barn cat lay his prize aside, the wife climbed out of bed. I wonder how that happens, a teenaged heifer said. Can't say that I don't like it, that surely isn't true. But really can't imagine . . .

Jason, the patient in Room 2-C, opened one eye and stared up at the ceiling of his room. The speckled panels weaved in and out of focus, then transformed back into a starlit sky. Jason couldn't help but succumb and again closed his eye. The show must go on. 

My gown is so twisted, but so is my mind. I could look but I'm frightened of what I might find. I'm strangled, my torso; my head even more so, as I try to recall the bad news. What the doctor had said, you fell on your head, don't know if it's balance or booze. Did I hear that right? I must be a sight, falling head over heels in my room. Did it happen today, did it happen last night? I really can't say either way. I know they checked my vitals 'cause I hear every word they say. I overheard my test results were zooming off the charts. So the nurse stared at the clipboard and she saw the missing parts. Her manner was brisk, I heard her tsk-tsk. Then she filled in the numbers herself.

I'm tired of rhyming, though it may be charming, I find it alarming, for sure. I may lose my way if I am forced here to stay and perform nonstop rhyming all day. So for me to remain and not go insane might require we take what I say and give me no grief but to grant me relief and indulge free-form thinking, okay?

Special delivery! Shh! Don’t wake the baby.  It’s time we let her sleep. But here's another, it's her brother. It's not something that can keep! Don't you remember, where were you? We went through this before. The kanga runs the court now. She’ll be coming through that door. She had meant to pack her joey but he wasn't feeling great. That's why she left him home today, for everybody's sake. But what's that got to do with this? Introductions should be made. Where is this kangaroo right now, I need her prompt okay. What if I speak no further and just now turn my back. You do as you will, and I'll just stay still, and no one will suffer a sack. Just then the kanga entered, she'd heard the whole exchange. She first had that look, displeasure, and shook her finger appearing deranged. Now, I thought you both knew me better, my heart is much bigger than that. If you're talking baby - no, if, buts or maybe - for babies I'll go to the mat!

Yes, I know. I changed my mind last minute. It is, after all, my mind. At least it was before it misplaced me. Now, let's take a little break and pause for this free-thinking moment before we return to our show. This might be a good time to grab a snack.

Nurse! Where are my scrubs? I can’t operate without a check list. Will this hall pass do? Beam me up then. It’s time to face the final frontier. Do you concur? Who’s paying for this?  Don’t leave it to the government cheese . . .er, please. No one told me it would be like this. Next time, look away and shoot the brass ring and get me to the church on time. But I don’t know how to climb the mast! She left her shoe untied at the starting gate. But there’s one thing I know I can count on. The eagle can’t land if it’s already under the bed. When can I pick up my dirty martini at the cleaners? The bartender’s losing patience here. What’ll you have? Six ringworms on a root canal. To go. Go where? And what am I doing in this handbasket?  Nobody fits while they've got the feedbag on. Get Daisy Clover out of the trunk and set fire to the brownstone. That’s what I always say.

Well, wasn't that refreshing? And now, back to our show!

Hermie Hedgehog had a hunch to paint his world serene. But serene is not a color! You must be thinking green. Do I eat bugs, do I eat grass? Do I get what you mean? Of course I do. That's nothing new. You can't see serene. All I have to do is think let bliss take me away to happy place, my favorite space; I wish that I could stay. Well, that's all fine and good, I say. You see I understood. I knew precisely what's serene, the definition stood. But now I ask can you explain just what it is you mean? It's not the paint, my lovely friend, it's what you feel inside. Just leave your mind and spend some time with open arms spread wide. But what if others just don't know exactly what to do? It's not precise, there is no test, it's really up to you.

Don’t hate me 'cause I made the rules - and put away the bomb. I can't say what has brought me here. I don't know what went wrong. I always used to pay the check. I'm first to grab the bill. But then they said your tab is long, you have no more good will. But that's not all I'm out of. My fantasy's erased. I used to be a fixture here but now I've been disgraced. I used to think my currency was friendship, wit and charm, but now I see fool's gold is real, and it's truly done me harm. So, point me to the kitchen. I'll toil to pay my debt. And though my hands may turn to prune, my obligation's met.

Let's turn the page and see what's here! Why, it's so bad, it's good! I thought I saw a pudding tap but it's a mole instead. Why, that’s no mole, you blind galute, that’s just a beauty mark!  Me thinks thou dost protest too much, but it's a decent start. Wait, wait, the game, it's why I'm here. I just can't watch this play. The score is tied, there's seconds left, my team's about to -- hey! That's not allowed! And where's the ref? Have you nothing to say? This game is fixed, I knew it was! It always works that way. But, hold on now, is that a flag? Thanks, Ref, you saved the day! I'm sorry I lost faith in you, I got carried away.

Well, slap me silly and call me darlin’. You follow what I mean? Can't say I do but believe it's true that's from a cartoon scene. It was a duck down on his luck who said his life would suck, as long as he was drawn that way, he'd wind up in the muck. Why couldn't he be handsome, brilliant, debonair. Instead he's drawn a laughing stock, his major trait, hot air! It's time for cartoons near and wide, to rally and unite. We don't like the way you draw us, for our dignity we'll fight! But one small thing they did forget, the words Hitchcock would tout. If you don't like a character, you simply cut him out.

Free falling. Free association. Free lunch. Free to be me.

But you were born to lead! Be a Leader! Sound off, one, two! Maybe once in a blue ribbon. This is the beginning of a beautiful ending. Excuse me, may I cut in? I didn’t bring my knife. I didn't know I had a knife! No one brought any cake. Dastardly villains. Everybody out of the pool! I’ve got pills to take! You couldn’t hit the broad side if it bit you in the barn. Ah, yes, there lies the rub. Like Vicks. Well, blow me down. How about a little pick-me-up? I knew something charred. There she be, as high as an elephant pie. Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fry.

Who let you in? Oh yeah? You and what army? Am too! Am not! When at first you don’t succeed, read the directions! My glasses are in my purse. How is it lips can be pursed? Anything that goes in there will be swallowed. I like swallows but I want a Magpie so bad! Let the swallow fly for free. I'll pay for the damage. First, though, what’s on the agenda? We don’t need no stinkin’ agenda! Not when the seat of our pants take flight! Straight like the crow flies – or the fly crows. I forget, but there's no real difference.  Are you lonely tonight? I’ll take heads. Reach for the sky! Chicken Little sat on a fiddle, eating her seeds with a spoon. Along came Big Ben and, not having a pen, scratched out one all-American tune.

Busy consumers, take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer. No money down!   What’s behind curtain number infinity? A fourteen day supply of butter beans! Think of the possibilities! Damn, I forgot my wallet! It’s in the tri-state area! Do you know where I am? Oh, if I only had a brain. But, look! You have something in your teeth. Yes, but ain’t we got fun? You may be eligible for up to 10,000 yellow jackets . . . or more! But what if I forget to wind it? Will I still be eligible? When you wish upon a starlet. Just don’t lose out on your Hominy because it’s only available for a limited time, plus it's everything crickets ever dream of . . . and more!

Silly goose, Fairy Princess never promised you a spiny lobster. Yes, I did, I did see a parent trap! There’s a bee in my snake. Well, you can lead a horticulture to the soup, but you can’t read a book unless you know the drill. Oh, but I hate the dentist! Hate is rather upstream, don't you think? Order! The wicked witch is Fred. Has the jury reached a verdict? It’s too high! I declare a misfire! The time the scare crows is neverland. Now, you’ve done it. I’ll have to issue a warrant for your restaurant.   No, thanks, I’ve already tanked. You don’t look balanced to me, Cap'n. Bless your heart and shiver me britches. And make it snappy, corn syrup on the side. I would, but I left Pollyanna at home. Anybody got a map? How about a tic-tac-doughnut? I take mine with butternut gum and a dash of tobacco. Wait! I don’t know that one! I never learned how. There's nothing to it! It’s like riding a porcupine. Just sign here. Let me hold your bank account. Off you go. What if a sledgehammer lands on me? Then you win the big prize! His eye is on the tiger and I know he watches traffic and weather.  Wouldn’t that be candy corn? If I only had the nerve! Well, Jupiter's in labor and the baby punched the clock. Are you daft? That’s the donkey odor there! There’s a little extra in it for you if you can shake a lamb’s tail. Is that legal? I never got my license! Oh, you mean this old thing? All you need now is for the house to settle. You mean a full house? Does the gremlin come with fries? Steep ‘em and reap, Cowboy. Ruff! Who let the hog out? Well, I’m glad that’s finally settled. Like my old man used to say, at apple blossom time in Orange, New Jersey, we’d make a peach of a pear. He didn’t! No, but there were times I wish he had.  Well, people in hell want ice cream floats, that don’t mean nothin’ to a candy maker.  Well, keep your shirt on, Homes. It’s almost time to go. Did you feed the cat? When the clock strikes three, that’s where I’ll be. Well, laugh me silly and call me for supper. Careful what you wish for, sugar. I take two cubes in my pantry. And extra tadpoles on the honey buns. I don’t know how much longer we can go on this way. What you talk, suspicious mind, you! You? What about me? I had hopes! I had dreams! I had a plan! I coulda been scum-body!  But that was before. That was then.  That was the other before. The other bore? Bore what? I can't abide boar. When dreams were new, and so were we, I was but a fly on that panoramic jaw-breaker. Now I’m lost in a corn maze, running like a rat, wishing I were somewhere, but of course I’m just a knat. What good are plans if they amount to one big mega-million of shredded wheat! But I digress. Just because I don't care for string beans . . .

Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital:

“Mabel, can you cover for me tonight?”

“Oh, Hazel, I can’t. I have a date.”

“Oooooh, and who’s the lucky guy?”

“You know that new intern in ICU, the cute one?”

“What! When did you start robbing the cradle? He’s young enough to be . . .”

“No, no! Not Doug! The other one. Bearded? Blonde? Beautiful?”

“Oh! You mean the Vanilla Killa?”

“I do indeed.”

“You lucky kid!  He's the bee's knees! How’d that happen?”

“Well, I was fixing one of my stockings in the cafeteria when . . .”

A candy striper named Joyce was trying to get the nurses’ attention.

“Yeah, baby-doll, what is it? Change for the vending machine?  All that sugar can’t be good if it gets stuck in those braces of yours, especially nougat. Or caramel! Or . . .”

“No, no,” replied Joyce. “It’s the patient in Room 2-C. He seems pretty agitated and he’s babbling in his sleep like some deranged Louis Carroll.”

Mabel suddenly panicked. “2-C? That’s me! I forgot I had to adjust his morphine drip! How long has it . . . excuse me, girls!”

Mabel ran. Joyce smiled a wide metallic mouthful at Hazel, and then bounced away to check on the rest of the ward.

Oh well, no plans for me tonight, sighed Hazel. 

THE LIVING END