Manic Menagerie

It’s 4 AM, and the alarm is set for 6. But I am awake anyways, my brain wired despite a lack of sleep. I decide to get up and begin my morning routine. 

Every morning, I take time to examine the pieces of my menagerie. It really sets the tone for my day. I cannot do anything else before looking at each one individually. I check my pocket to find them all there, as they always are.

First, I examine Perfectionism, and hold it close to my chest. I love it. I need it. It makes me feel whole. It reminds me that I cannot drop a single item in my collection, cannot let anything break. I cannot break, no matter how much I bend. 

Next, I take out Obsession. It’s the stern and unforgiving mental coach for my mind. It reminds me to check the oven 8 times before I leave the house, just in case I turned it on without knowing it. It tells me the house will burn down if I don’t turn the car around and make sure the curling iron is unplugged. The same curling iron that’s tucked safely away in the closet, and hasn’t been used in 6 months. 

Of course I can’t forget Self Doubt, which tells me that no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. This is an important piece of the collection, it keeps me grounded. It’s good to know your limitations in life, after all. 

I go through my day, carrying my menagerie with me in my pocket, shaping all that I do. Perfectionism masks Self Doubt, and Obsession fools others into thinking that I have it all together. They work in perfect symbiosis, an ecosystem of dysfunction, the ultimate balancing act of mental disarray. As long as I trod carefully, I can walk this tightrope, and maintain the facade that I’m thriving. 

But, if I’m being honest with myself, I am so, so very tired. I wish I could put down my collection, I wish I could rest. 

But I don’t know how. 

*****

Today the menagerie feels so heavy, and it is hard to breathe. Perfectionism tells me to check my presentation for work 17 times. Self Doubt insists that it still isn’t good enough, and there is no way that I, the failure, can fix it. And now Obsession has me awake, lying here for hours in bed, thinking of all the ways I may or may not have remedied a minor disagreement that I had with a coworker 3 weeks ago.

People are starting to notice that it’s all an elaborate act, and that I may not be as put together as I hope to appear. Laying down my collection seems to be the logical option, and life would be so much easier, but they’re all intrinsically tied to me. Whenever I try, they are right back in my pocket, present without my consent. 

*****

I decided to speak with a Collection Curator today, someone trained in the management of menageries such as mine. The Curator suggests that I begin saying positive phrases to myself in the mirror every morning, as a way to begin letting go of my collection.

I tell her that sounds like b.s.

She tells me the problem with my menagerie is the arrangement of my chosen pieces, and that I need to add in some new, more complimentary items. She suggests that I add in Letting Go of Control, as well as Self Love and Meditation. The Curator states that my pieces are too heavy for one pocket, which is what is bogging me down. 

I tell her that I hear her, when in reality I am reading between the lines. Too much for one pocket? There’s a simple solution. I need to try harder. 

I will start using both pockets. 

*****

My “both pockets” idea turns out to be a bust, just like so many of my halfwit ideas. The first day I try to double down with my collection, I end up having a breakdown at work in front of everyone. They send me home early and instruct me to use some personal days. I am not to return until I can prove that my pockets are empty, or at least less heavy.

So now I am back visiting the Curator, feeling like such a loser, a fake, a letdown. Perfectionism points out that I had dropped all the pieces, and now I am broken. Self Doubt sobs that I am too stupid to put down such a terrible collection, even when I know that I should. Obsession swears that I should consider all the ways in which I have failed over the last 20 years, so that I never make a mistake, ever again. 

But the Curator, her nature gentle and her heart forgiving, smiles at me, and tells me to try again. She tells me that so many people have the same kind of collection and struggle to let it go. I am human, she reminds me, and I am still growing, still learning.

She recommends new pathways of thinking, and helps me see the ways in which I am a success in my life. She suggests laying down my menagerie for short periods of time, just to see how it feels. She is so kind, so encouraging. 

And while I don’t feel completely better, I notice that my pocket is a little lighter when I leave.

*****

I continue to improve a little each day since my breakdown at work. I’ve seen the Curator multiple times, and strive to listen to her recommendations. I haven’t been able to swap out my pieces for the ones that she suggests, but I have updated the menagerie a bit, and this has been helpful. Today in my pocket, instead of Perfectionism I carry Forgiveness, which reminds me to let go of my mistakes. I also swapped out Self Doubt with Cautious Optimism, and I remain hopeful that this new piece will become a permanent installation. Obsession has been replaced with One Step at a Time, which is my new positive phrase for myself. 

This new collection is so much lighter than my old one, and I find that I am less fatigued at the end of the day. Sometimes the old pieces still sneak their way back into my pocket from time to time, but I’ve noted that they are smaller than they used to be. It’s so difficult to let go of the familiar, even if it isn’t good for me.

But I am working on it. 

One step at a time.