Murray Burns

Author on Reedsy Prompts since Jan, 2022

Stories (122)

122 Stories

3798 karma pts

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“Woot” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #198

Woot “Miss Jenkins, could you please bring in the next candidate for the 10th Grade English teacher position?”“Please sit down, young man. And what is your name?”“Woot.”“What?”“No, Woot.”“What?”“No, not what. It’s Woot, sir.”“Miss Jenkins, can you help me out here?”“I think he’s trying to tell you his name is Woot, Mr. Carsons.”“What?”“No, not what, Mr. Carsons. I believe his name is Woot.”“Thank you, Miss Jenkins. Your name is Woot?”“Yes. Actually, it’s Woot Jr., sir. I come from a long line of Woots. Since my dad is a Woot, I’m Woody to my...

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“Hercules Shrugged” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #197

Hercules Shrugged“Are you coming to church, Wally?”“Yes, I have a special intention.”“No, Wally, you can’t do that.”“Why not, Gladys? If you can pray for your beast of a sister to recover from her big toe surgery, I can ask for a little nudge to get Junior headed in the right direction in life.”“Wally, you can’t ask God to get your kid to play football. Besides, it’s his life. You have to let him do what he wants to do, allow him to pursue his dreams.”“Gladys, the kid is 6’2’’, weighs 215 lbs., and runs like a freaking gazelle. And he’s just...

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“Psalm 23” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #196

Psalm 23“In three words I can sum up everything I know about life; it goes on.”-       Robert FrostLeaving the station“Dad! He’s been accepted!”“That’s great, honey. Uh, who…and accepted to what?”“Ryan’s been accepted at Madison!”This was good news. Ryan was Rachel’s good friend in high school, and knowing that she would have support in her next stage in life was comforting for Dad. Rachel was a tough kid…sometimes…about some things. But Dad knew she had great anxiety over leaving home and entering one of t...

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“A Simple Act of Kindness” by Murray Burns

⭐️ Shortlisted for Contest #195

A Simple Act of Kindness“The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.”-Amelia EarhartRule #1- Four downs to get the ball across the goal line (telephone pole); no first downs.Rule #2- Pass rusher must count three “Mississippies” before rushing the quarterback. (No cheating.)Rule #3- No catching the ball on a bounce off the side or roof of a garage.Rule #4- If football goes into Mr. Radtke’s yard, leave ball, run home, and the kid responsible for sending the ball into the forbidden zone shall endure th...

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“Gort Gets The Short End Of The Stick” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #194

Gort Gets The Short End Of The Stick(Crude humor) Ming: “I have another special assignment for you, Gort. It’s an important part of my plan to conquer the Universe. I pulled your name out of a hat, so you get the first shot at this great honor. It’s hardly brain surgery, so even you should be able to pull it off.”Great, lucky me.Ming: “But it could be dangerous. Are you willing to volunteer for the job?”Volunteer? The last time I didn’t volunteer for something I spent a year in the stockade.Gort: “Of course, Merciless One. It is an honor to ...

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“Battling the Windmills of the Mind” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #192

Battling the Windmills of the Mind"Remember me with smiles and laughter,For that is how I will remember you all.If you can only remember me with tears,Then don't remember me at all."-Laura Ingles WilderBad times weigh more than good times. They are more embedded in the mind than happy memories, especially if planted early in life. Happy writes in pencil; sad uses a Sharpie. Charlie will attest to that. ----------People accumulate stuff throughout their lifetime. Then, someday after they’ve left this world, some poor soul will have ...

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“The Home Run” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #191

The Home Run                                                    “Regrets, I’ve had a few                                 &...

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“Henry Serves It Up Cold” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #190

Henry Serves It Up Cold(Perhaps a tad bit crude in places.) Courthouse clerks, robotic beings by instinct and training, are not necessarily known for their sense of humor.“Did you hear the one about the guy who wanted to change his name?”“I hear that all the time, sir. That’s what we do here.”“Yeah, but you gotta hear this one.”“Fine, but make it snappy.”“So, the judge asks the guy what his name is now. He says his name is Joe Shits. The judge says he can certainly understand why he wants his name changed, and then asks him what he wants it ...

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“The Seduction of Herb” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #188

The Seduction of Herb“So, what’s the catch?” Even the Party of the First Part was surprised at the quick response, the ease with which the words were spoken, void of any serious consideration of the required consequence. The implication of the message from the Party of the Second Part was that all prior elements were agreed to.     “There’s no catch, Herb. That’s the deal, straight up. You get everything I’ve promised in return for your immortal soul.”“That’s it? There is no catch?”“That’s it, Herb.”Slick black ...

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“The Green Mile” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #187

The Green Mile“Yet ah! Why should they know their Fate? Since Sorrow never comes too late,  And Happiness too swiftly flies.  Thought would destroy their Paradise.   No more; where Ignorance is Bliss,  ‘Tis Folly to be Wise."-Thomas Grey“We have a pretty good record for adoptions. Most will find homes.”“And for those who aren’t adopted, how long before you…”“Oh, excuse me, sir, we don’t like to talk about those things in front of our clients.”“I understand.”“But this one is a real cutie. I’m ...

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“Frank” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #186

Frank“Good morning, Frank. I’ve got a nice red one for you today.” “It’s perfect, Margie. Red was her favorite.” “Frank, you really don’t have to give me the dollar.” “I know.”----------“Here’s your coffee, Frank. I’ll bring you a menu, Leadhead.”“Thanks, Katie. Why don’t you at least look at a menu, Frank?” “I like the chicken sandwich.”“Yeah, after five years, I get that. But you might like something else.” “But I might not like it.” “Can’t argue with that.”---------- “Leadhead, where does Frank get the f...

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“What, Me Worry?” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #185

What, Me Worry?We’ve all experienced it, that terrifying, heart-stopping, pit in the stomach moment when you realize all is not well in the universe- your car isn’t where you thought you parked it, a valuable item rattles around in the sink for agonizing moments before it disappears down the drain, an empty pocket where your wallet should be. Henry’s traumatic moment hit him like an earthquake. He was stunned, dazed, shaken, and he would soon undertake the long, painful journey through the Five Stages of Grief.“Honey, I’m home!”After twenty-...

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“My Name Is Not Shirley ” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #184

My Name Is Not Shirley“Houston, we have a problem.”“Dammit, Junior, stop calling me Houston! Surely you must know by now that drives me nuts.”“Sorry, Dad, but then you’ve got to stop calling me Shirley.”Reginald Q. Barnes, a/k/a Reggie, a/k/a Junior, made the Prodigal Son look like a pre-transformation Scrooge. Just two weeks after Dean Seymour’s admonition at matriculation that “your business here is learning”, Junior had set his own course- consume inordinate amounts of alcohol and lay as many bets and women as possible. Houston, a/k/a Mr....

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“Feathers and Fur” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #183

Feathers and FurThis is a tale,Of forbidden love,Condemned by all creatures,And doomed from above.Noah understood. It wasn’t just man that should not be alone. All of God’s creatures crave companionship. Life is constructed in pairs.The farm was a veritable smorgasbord of livestock- cows, horses, pigs, and chickens. A small army of cats patrolled the area in search of rats, mice, ground squirrels, and other undesirable forms of life. Farmer John and his wife Betsy lived in the big old house up near the road. The only lonely soul was Monty, t...

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“One Day In the Nursery” by Murray Burns

Submitted to Contest #182

One Day in the Nursery  Willy: “God dammit! Do they ever turn the #%&! lights off around here?! How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep?!” Nate: “Do you eat with that mouth?! Watch your language, Willy! There are ladies present.” Gert: “Knock it off, Nate. This is the 21st Century. We don’t need any of your machismo-laced, pretentious bravado to protect us. We can take care of ourselves.” Prissy: “I think it’s sweet, Nate. It reminds me of Sir Lancelot of the Knights of the Round Table.” Willy: “Hey, Pri...

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Author bio

Dartmouth, then Law School followed by years in mind-numbing law practice; now have more time to write. "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Shortlisted 2 stories ⭐️

Contest #195
A Simple Act of Kindness – read story
Contest #170
The Rosary – read story