Miles Gatling

“Astro - na” by Miles Gatling

PEGY 18. No, wait. Peggy 18 can read it. Everyone else can't. Peggy, call me. "When these people talk too much but they shit in slow motion, I feel like an astronaut in -" "What was that last part?" "The… what?" "Did you say shit in slow motion?" "Yeah, that's the astronaut song." "You're a goddamn idiot." "Why? That's the lyric. When these people talk too much but they shit in slow motion." "It doesn't make sense. Why would you think he would write that?" "It means old people talk nonsense and their life experiences count for nothing in t...

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“Bad Toys ®” by Miles Gatling

There's a part where it's like totally yikes! Tread lightly. "Is this the part where you get up in my face, detective?" "You're a smart guy. You tell me. How's this gonna play out?" "At least offer me a drink. We've been in this shithole for an hour." The detective leaned back in his chair. Glaring at his suspect he knocked on the steel door. "Get him a cold drink." "A glass of leche por favor." The detective tossed a pack of smokes. The other caught it with cat-like reflexes. "Got matches?" Detective Pikachu shot a tiny bolt of energy lig...

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“Swords not words ” by Miles Gatling

Welcome to the MilesGatling Daycare Center. Here we provide a joyful, healthy, family-friendly atmosphere for…Uh, fuck me, goddammit. I dropped my ciggy in my pint. Again. "Can you tell everyone what it's like being part of the chosen few?" He straightened his harpy-feathered hat and said "It's quite the adventure. There are places to go, dragons to slay, virgins to I might add haha." "The only virgin you ever touched is yourself." "Mr. Paladin, let's let Mr. Archer finish talking. He has the talking wand-" Mr. Paladin's hand shot for the ...

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“Slip this hardcover in your bookcase ” by Miles Gatling

If your dad is on a business trip and your coach is in your kitchen on Saturday morning drinking coffee saying he stopped by to pick you up for soccer practice... Just, don't read this."An evil book, bound with flesh written in the blood of the innocent. It brings pain, suffering - ""Yeah, whatever, you old goat. Where be the treasure? Have you a book on that?"The storyteller waved the lot away. He drank his tankard of piss in one gulp. "Who here has a tale of adventures on the high seas, with plunder…""And booty. Lots and lots of preci...

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“1” by Miles Gatling

I went overboard with this one. A woman gets brutalized, that's the whole story. It's a hard read. "I remember you tho." Tiny droplets sprouted on her forehead. "I remember everything you did." He locked the door and tossed the key. It slid across the oak desk. "I'll sue you. If you don't stop this you'll be in a lot of trouble." He opened the window. Sweet air flooded his office. "I remember all things said and done." She circled the desk talking, buying time, searching for it. The earth swallowed that key and vanished without a trace...

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“Tea ts” by Miles Gatling

If your uncle holds two fingers under your nose winking and you get excited thinking he brought fish tacos for lunch, don't read the following."I said Mother'sMilk, you dweeb."The waiter threw his white towel in some guy's soup."Look, mister. That's the tea you ordered. I told you once before.""This is Goblin'sCock. I'm all too familiar with it. The strong aftertaste is unmistakable."Brushing soup chunks of his tie he joined the conversation."Excuse me, I believe you owe me an apology," he said, tapping the waiter."Back off, Slumpy. Men are ...

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“Pick locks 100” by Miles Gatling

Caution: contains nuts and other male genitalia. May cause severe reactions in hot moms. Keep out of reach of children. He couldn't get the slab to move. Not even a fingernail would fit underneath the stone. The torchlight was fading fast. Countless passages stretched every which way coiling from the central room. Each time he believed he found a way out the poor fellow would hit a dead end. Apart from the chest in the main hall, the place was empty by the looks of it. Someone built the place then abandoned it. Its ceiling was made of glas...

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“The gift that keeps on giving ” by Miles Gatling

If you have company and your mom tells you to keep your door open, don't read the following"Go ahead, open it."He tore the festive wrapper."Well, what do you think?""The fuck is this?"He held it at arm's length, frowning. His rattlesnake tattoo was in full view, crawling out his sleeve."What, you don't like it? It's custom-made. This guy does it from scratch. It took months to get it done."George didn't hide his disappointment. The man thought his gift would be commended. "Why did you give me this?" Tony's feelings toward the gift were ...

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“It takes one to know one ” by Miles Gatling

If your mom's watching Gordon Ramsay and she changes to Disney when you walk in, don't read the following. "Back in my day, we played with sticks," he said, watching his grandsons argue. "Give it here." "No, it's my turn. You had it all day. Take the truck." "I don't want the fucking truck." The old man gasped.  "Billie, what did I say about cursing?" "You said not to. Not when mom and dad are around." He chuckled.  "That's right. It will get you grounded. Now, why are you yelling? My mom would have beat me up with the garden hos...

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“Sea shanty” by Miles Gatling

It has a trigger "How's this: curse you, you're a man who indulges in pleasures of the flesh. I'll strike where it hurts most. Thrust yourself with a massive anchor. You're all vaginas, so curse you all?" "Well, it does set the scene for the duel. But calling them vaginas is a bit out of place for Victorian nobles, don't you think?" "I see. What about the anchor part?" "Yeah, what is that anyway?" "It's Bartholomew's way of telling them to go fuck themselves with an anchor." "Now, that doesn't make sense to me. A ship anchor is weighty. H...

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“Blue flamer” by Miles Gatling

"What's the number? Alex, give me a number." Static and shouting were all that came through. "What's the fucking number!" Right before it cut off a gunshot pierced his ear. "Officer needs backup, shots fired in Oakwood, last seen near the train station." He slammed the phone and tailed it to the armory. "Hey, put those back. Where do you think you're going?" He pushed past the other cop. "Dammit, Carter, I'll report you." Carter strapped his vest on. He dashed for the parking lot. "Wait for backup. You'll get yourself killed." He was gon...

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“But a dream ” by Miles Gatling

This was it. The night he would dream his way back inside the forgotten land. It's been weeks since his last visit. He tried but failed. Philip rushed to the door and swung it open. It caught his neighbor by surprise who dropped his keys.  "Hey, move your fucking car. It's blocking my spot." "I'm sorry I didn't -" "Go fuck yourself." The man froze as Philip stared him down. He jumped when the door slammed shut. Philip poured a few drops of heavy-sherry whisky and let it rest on the table. He didn't use ice. The bottle was one of his mos...

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“Fine by me” by Miles Gatling

"I understand. Thank you. Have a nice day." She tossed her phone on the sofa. The teapot rattled, steam gushed out. This was the final contact on her list. The answer was no. The freeze-dried coffee tasted like mud even after she drowned it with half a milk carton.  She browsed Bing. All articles old and new lacked the information she discovered. Getting in touch with those PhDs, edDs, DrPH, FuKS was a handful. They all said the same thing: without a controlled environment and the possibility of others to achieve similar results it's no...

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“Hop in” by Miles Gatling

The blinker played in the background as Sam waited for an answer. He'd asked if the man needed a ride into town. "I said, are you heading to Pleasantville…" "Yes, that's right." He kept his distance from the car. Sam got a good look at him: dirty boots, worn jeans, and no wristwatch. "Hop in. Put your bag in the backseat." "I don't have any money." "That's ok," Sam said, "it's just for a few miles anyway." The guy smiled and opened the passenger door. A stale smell drifted in the air. He cracked the window open discreetly. Sam checked his mi...

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“As it is written” by Miles Gatling

Submitted to Contest #62

"I'm not the champion our people need," the young fighter said while pouring another cup. He struggled to stay seated. "Why are you like this?" She smacked his cheek. "Why won't you fight?" "I have my reasons." He filled the empty cup again, draining the last droplets of wine from the clay pitcher. With tears in her eyes she said "What about your son? Will you not fight for him, for our family?" "He's not like me, I can feel it. He takes after you." His voice lacked all emotions, his gray-blue eyes stared into the wine filled cup. "You s...

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