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Christmas

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PEGY 18. No, wait. Peggy 18 can read it. Everyone else can't. Peggy, call me.

"When these people talk too much but they shit in slow motion, I feel like an astronaut in -"

"What was that last part?"

"The… what?"

"Did you say shit in slow motion?"

"Yeah, that's the astronaut song."

"You're a goddamn idiot."

"Why? That's the lyric. When these people talk too much but they shit in slow motion."

"It doesn't make sense. Why would you think he would write that?"

"It means old people talk nonsense and their life experiences count for nothing in today's fast-paced world. "

"Taking a shit in slow-motion as you put it is some kind of metaphor for reaching the end of the finish line and the need to take a step back and let others flourish?"

"The…yeah! Fuck yeah, that's what I'm saying."

"It's put that shit in slow-motion. Put, as in put deez nuts in ya mom, you goddamn hippie."

"Hey don't take your anger out on me. Just because you don't understand the artist and his craft doesn't give you the right -"

"Listen to me, fuck-face. It's about overcoming obstacles without outside help. That's why he puts that shit in slow motion so he can work through it at his own pace. He can't handle all that in a single barrage but broken down into pieces he's able to succeed. Get it?"

"I'm on Dreadit™ forums. It's shit in slow motion all over the page, read it and weep."

"I can't believe we're having this conversation. Listen to this. This part right here it's put… What the hell!"

"See, I told you. You just have to pay attention."

"I could have bet my life on it that I was right. I need a minute to calm down. Where's the doom dvd?"

"Always inside the ps5, bro."

"How about the Lazarus level? I need the BFG splatter."

"No, that's not where you get it. It's before the sanctuary level."

"It's on the laser platform in the labs."

"No, it's stuck inside the giant skull in Hell. Wanna bet on it?"

"A large pizza with extra toppings. I'll get there quickly. Just sit back and watch the show."

"Don't feel bad when you lose. I'll buy the soda and tip the guy."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Now load the other mission."

"This is impossible. How can this be?"

"You alright, bro? You look kinda green. Maybe you should sit down, and have some water."

"Yeah, let me just shut my eyes real quick."

"Go ahead, I'll play a few levels. Pizza should be here in an hour."

*

"Don't tell me you slept all day."

"What? Where's Tim? "

"Tim came over? Did you play video games all day again? What are you searching for?"

"This is our house."

"Yes, that's right. We still have ten years to pay before it's rightfully ours but…"

"I was at Tim's and took a nap. We ordered pizza."

"You don't remember getting home or what?"

"This isn't happening. I was in the other part of town, it was one o clock."

"It's half past seven. You wasted the whole day goofing off with that hippie. You moved on with your life he's still stuck in the frat house. If you still want to be friends with him you better straighten him out."

"Just relax, ok. Look, I'll hop in the shower. Let's go out and get dinner."

"Fine, but I'm still mad at you."

"Well then come wash my back and I'll make it up to you."

"Cute. Hurry up. You're paying, I'm in the mood for red wine."

*

"Babe, I can't find my slippers."

"Nice dick, bro. I can see why Sonia likes you."

"What is this? What are you doing here? Where's Sonia?"

"At work, I hope. Why? Do you think she's cheating on you?"

"I was home, showering."

"No, bro. You're at my house. You took a nap, ate pizza, and showered. You said you need to go take care of paperwork down at the office. Are you feeling alright? You've been freaking out all day."

"What level is this? Lazarus?"

"Yeah, I was just about to take the BFG. Here, I know you get hard using it on those scrubs. Just, please, put some pants on."

"Put the astronaut song on."

"Sure. You're kinda scary right now. Don't go ax murderer on me please."

"I'm sorry I just really need to hear that fucking song right now. Turn it up."

"This song is so good."

"What's he saying? When these people talk too much…"

"Put that shit in slow-motion."

"What did we talk about before I slept?"

"Eminem's new album, pizza…"

"That's it?"

"Oh, and your chronic shoulder pain. You told me about that new drug trial you're in. Remember?"

"Yeah, totally. Totally. What are you doing right now?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"Come with me. I'll swing by the office then we can meet up with Sonia. We'll have a nice dinner at a cute italian restaurant in my neighborhood."

"I don't think your wife likes me very much."

"Nonsense, she loves you."

"Ok then. How's your shoulder by the way?"

"It's healed. I won't be taking those pills anymore."

"Good for you, man. Going natural is better for you. You should chew some tree bark that I got from this guy in the desert. He found a way to live out there eating bugs and collecting moisture from the air. "

"Sounds nice but I'll take a few sick days and recuperate."

"Yeah, man. Those pills were weird looking anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't remember? The symbols on the pills. You said it looked like those on the helix stone. You said that when you bit into them it made your ears pop and the sound sent shivers down your arms."

"Show me. I can't find the bottle."

"Oh, you gave them to me, remember? You said you were too tempted to take more than one a day. That's why you hung out at my place so much. Here, take a look. What does that look like to you?"

July 27, 2022 11:22

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