Life & Love

TW: Profanity, Mention of Anxiety & Depression

I'm going to do my best to explain myself. Whether or not you want to talk about it, or ignore it , or disregard what I'm saying is up to you. 

For some time I've been feeling some type of way towards you and us in general. I know I have my faults and sometimes I don't make the best decisions, I act out a lot and I make decisions based on emotion which isn’t the best quality to have in a relationship, and I know I'm not the most patient or easiest person to deal with but when it comes down to it ... I do my best everyday to not walk away from what we have but lately it’s been hard, it’s been TOO hard & I don’t know if it should be this hard. I ask myself every morning and every night if love is supposed to drain every ounce in your body. It's really sad actually, because I cared , I really did , I cared so much to a point where it drove me crazy & still it wasn’t enough. I try to talk to you and the majority of the time I feel like you’re listening to me but you’re not HEARING me. It hurts me, and it’s so frustrating because it's not a recent thing, we’ve always been this way and I don’t know why but lately everything that’s been going on is driving me crazy. I guess it’s been going on for too long and now it’s all starting to weigh on me? 

Oh hi my name is Amira, and I struggle with depression and anxiety and in case you were confused this is part of my story …

I just can’t take it anymore & I keep telling you that I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this for. I don't know if you care or if you’ve noticed but I've been making progress and I'm doing better. P.S My progress didn’t last very long

So I refuse to let our relationship drain me & make me feel the way I was before, because absolutely nobody deserves that but anyways. I know I'm not the most expressive person and I've been working on trying to talk more about how I feel but I don't see a point in explaining myself when you just shut down on me so much. Its honestly so hard, every time you leave and you ghost on me and you come back and tell me I don’t give a fuck about you. It's so annoying and so draining. I ask you to talk too me and I do my best and try to be there for you but it’s just not enough so I try to make up for it in other ways after I lash out and say something horrible to you. I try to do your homework or send you tik toks or reassure you with a paragraph. Ive become dependent on you & it’s consuming me, so when you leave me for a couple hours I can’t focus and it makes me feel really bad & then when you come back we fight because Im probably angry at you for leaving and you’re in a mood or whatever & it’s all just too much. It's the little things, like our schedules ? They just don’t balance at all and you get mad at me for wanting to sleep at a normal time or when I'm downstairs with them or when my parents are home ? Im sleeping when you’re up, and you’re sleeping when i’m up & maybe it doesn’t affect you as much, it could just be me but I just end up missing you too much and it’s all sucking the life out of me. I know we’d always joke about how we have a toxic relationship but it gets to a point where enough is just enough. It's my junior year and we’re wired completely differently, i’m an overachiever, I want everything & I want to accomplish too many things at once so having to stress about school and us has been a lot, it’s okay if you don’t understand that but that’s why i’ve been “mean & bitchy” . I don’t want to fight with you anymore, I don’t want to talk about anything, i’ve been getting into spirituality and trying to find peace within myself, you know that stuff that you say is based on nonsense has been helping me & I realized that it’s not okay for me to depend on you to love me, or for me to want attention from you? That stuff isn’t healthy or normal. I’ve been taking time to myself and figuring out what it is that makes ME happy & i’ve been doing great. I don't want to deal with negativity or stress & i’ve been meaning to take some time to figure it all out and since we didn’t have much work this week I can finally see things for what they are. I think we just need to take a break, I'm always going to love you & I don't want to give up on us but right now I just don’t want to deal with any of this. Do what you will with that. 

You know what ? No, I'm not done... 

You were making my life better, I was happy and content with the way we were going and I don’t know everything just changed . I don’t think you’re a bad boyfriend, it's just that we’ve been messy for a little while now & I know you’ve noticed it . I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel bad, I've never lied about how I felt, everything I said in the past was true, it’s just because of the recent occurrence of events I felt like I NEEDED to stop caring about you and us so that I could save myself. I don't know honestly, I feel like I went through all the phases, because there was a point where I wanted to work it out. I didn’t want to take a break because I just missed you too much. 

I know you were trying with me and with us but right now I don't know if I want to try. I don't know what you can do better, okay, I'm not going to tell you what to do anymore, I'll leave it up to you to decide that. I KNOW i’ve been mean, I meant what I said before there was a point where I just wanted to hurt you and make you feel the way I was feeling but i’m just not with it anymore. It's not the way to handle situations and I don't want to make you feel any type of way, yes i want to be with you & i still love you , but .... Right now I just don’t have the energy to put in the work. I don't think you do either. I don't know what to do. I know a break isn't going to help us solve any problems but I just don’t want to talk about anything, maybe we should both just take some time to ourselves.