Diary of a Sad Girl (I Guess)

March 23, 2020

We all saw it coming, and it finally happened. But I'm not sure if I was ever really ready.

Things are getting really drastic, but you know what? Despite what people may think, these measures are necessary. VERY necessary. 

Unlike places like Italy, African countries have some of the worst, most overpopulated slums in the world - townships. The problem is, if this virus reaches a township, we’re screwed. Or if it has by the time I read this again, take confidence that we’re screwed.

But even without townships in the equation, the virus might be spreading faster than it is in Italy, America or… pretty much anywhere else. Especially since this is a third world country, a 3-week disciplined lockdown is the only plausible course of action right now. Continuous ignorance will kill us all.

So I thought, why not document the life of a middle class young adult facing the internal battle of social anxiety vs depression during this strange time? Journaling was at the top of all the "bored" lists on the internet, after all. Might be nice to keep a record of this event for future generations too.

Oh, right. I rambled too much getting this started, didn't I? Dear confused future generation member: a contagious virus has inadvertently spread across the world and now the whole world - including me now - is trying to stop it by staying inside. Think of it as a zombie apocalypse, but the zombies are microscopic. It’s really surreal.

Meanwhile, I don't even go out a lot, so these three weeks should be a breeze…

THING TO DO #0: JOURNAL

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National Lockdown. Day 1. 

Today I woke up at eight for some reason, but I didn’t get up until 11.30 because of the sadness demon. I ate, wrote a poem, watched a kids show and then didn’t have the energy to do any more things, so here I am. Sleeping again like I’ve just run a marathon….

I should go through my email.

THING TO DO #1: GO THROUGH YOUR EMAIL

It's incredible how much junk I've subscribed to over the years. I must say, it's pretty satisfying to delete all that... junk. I don't like swearing.

.

..

...

....

It's too much. Thousands of them. I gave up after deleting ten emails. Surely I have better things to do that actually matter anyway.

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National Lockdown. Day 2.

Today I woke up at 1.30, so that was my morning gone. However, I still had time to catch up on mobile games, make lunch and do chores.

THING TO DO #2: CHORES

It sounded like some neighbours were holding a lockdown party or something with shouting and music, but it seemed to calm down by the time I was ready to work.

THING TO DO #3: WORK FROM HOME

I’m in a pretty fortunate situation where I can work from home. I’m a voice over artist, so I have my own little studio in my closet where I earn hundreds of dollars every month. It’s quite extraordinary how much people will pay you to talk into a microphone.

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National Lockdown. Day 3. 

Falling asleep, I was worrying about accomplishing nothing today. I planned to write and learn, but I started to panic about just rewatching old videos and doing nothing new, falling into the inevitable cycle of meaninglessness after only three days.

However, it seemed that I woke up on the right side of the bed. AT FRICKING 2 IN THE AFTERNOON-

THING TO DO #4: WRITE

I love writing scripts and screenplays. It’s one of my coolest hobbies. I’m hoping to be able to write and perform in America one day - with my VA jobs on the rise, that may not be too far off!!

I also watched The Matrix-

THING TO DO #5: WATCH MOVIES AND SHOWS

I have a list of 69 movies and shows I haven’t watched. The Matrix… Austin Powers… The Princess Bride… Steven Universe… Fifty Shades of Grey- you get the idea.

This lockdown, especially with internet providers upscaling internet speeds for free~, is a great time to catch up on what everyone is talking about.

I also did some research on how to do your eyebrows. I’ve never been one for makeup, but as a permanent wearer of glasses, it’s apparently vital to look good.

Since I woke up so late, I decided to try embrace my wishes to become a true night owl. Because of school and college habits, I always felt like I HAD to go to bed my midnight no matter what. So Toni ght I apr

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National Lockdown. Day 4.

Oh… I fell asleep writing last night. Oh well.

THING TO DO #6: PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT 

Got around to arranging piano for an original vent song I wrote last year. On my IPAD. That’s another hobby of mine, by the way.

I wish I had a piano.

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National Lockdown. Day 6. 

My roommate came in to check on me, genuinely worried if I was still alive. I had been sleeping until FOUR. That’s a record, even for me. Might as well have been in a coma.

THING TO DO #7: PLAY VIDEO GAMES

I played… Undertale. Yes, I got it recently because I knew pretty much nothing about it and wanted to know how it stirred up a cult following. I got the Floweytale ending and hadn’t been that bloody terrified since Doki Doki Literature Club three years ago.

Seriously, I didn’t expect it.

Either way, I’m really fascinated by it. There’s so much moe to la

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National Lockdown. Day 7.

I realised the problem.

I have no reason to get up. And right now, I can’t figure out whether that’s a good or bad thing.

I'm addicted to Undertale. Oops.

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National Lockdown. Day 10.

Everyday I make to-do lists so that I can accomplish other things during this time. On each list I make, I put the day on it (like I am doing in this diary). But, it seems that I keep on adding days because I’m losing the will and motivation to get things done.

Day 8 

+ 9

+ 10

I’m not even writing in this diary everyday anymore. I can’t keep up with these things, you know?

…What if no one reads this? And everything that I do is pointless?

oh god

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National Lockdown. Day 12

Yep, it seems that I’m falling into the cycle of meaningless as I feared.

I wish that I could at least watch cars and people go by outside my window, but the walls of this complex are too high.

I’m too scared to even go out into the garden in case some Karen decides to report me to the police for getting fresh air.

Everyday, I’m doing the same thing. Watch a new movie or show. Basic self-care so I don’t have a breakout. Maybe continue with screenplay ideas, but I think I’m running out of steam, being stuck inside and all. Chores. VA work.

And now, there’s rumours circulating that this lockdown might even be extended until August. AUGUST. I’m gonna go crazy!

Maybe what all those “love urself” accounts on Instagram and Twitter are saying is right. The most important thing is to just survive. That is enough. I am enough.

I miss going out for coffee. 

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National Lockdown. Day 17

Well, my dear great-great grandchildren, it’s been confirmed. Extended for another 21 days. It seems that they may be extending it for three weeks at a time. It’s true, according to statistics (assuming they aren’t forged), that this method really is “flattening the curve”, but at the expense of our mental health.

I saw on the news today that a man in another country committed suicide because he couldn’t handle the self-isolation and loneliness. That’s intense and terrifying.

That made me decide to focus more on getting through the end of this period for now. It’s only a few more days, then they’ll allow people to at least go outside for walks, so long as social distancing is honoured. Then, at least, I can clear my head and get some inspiration from this beautiful world again.

Maybe, if they allow cafes to be open for one day, I can sit and have a proper coffee.

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National Lockdown. Day 21.

The last day! I can taste the confined freedom on my tongue.

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National Lockdown. Day 2.1.

I think this will be my last entry. My life really isn’t more interesting for me to write anything else other than the same routine over and over again.

I guess it’s time for the ultimate question… did this diary help me cope? Did I end up writing about my issues a little bit more in detail to help me understand myself? Was it worth it?

Not really. No.