What are the chances?

Pop! Pfffft! Duh dud duh dud duh dud…

My bike begins to wobble and lean to the left, prompting me to quickly put my foot down to keep it from falling over. With sweating hands, I grip the handlebars and steer the bike over to the sidewalk. Upon inspection, I noticed a sizeable nail shining from the middle of the front tire.

I pound the bike with my fist, cursing as I look up at the sky, “I don’t have time for this!!”

I read the receipt on the bag for the 3^rd time:

Order Method: Online

Time placed: 11:03 a.m.

Name on Order: Alejandro McCann

Delivery address: 75 N. 35^th street

Delivery guarantee: 11:35 a.m.

1 Chicken and broccoli meal

Side salad-Ginger dressing

NO tomatoes

Medium sweet tea

1 order Crab Rangoon

Taking a quick glance at the watch on my left arm confirms my fear: it is already 11:20 a.m. One more bad review and I am going to get fired. Discarding the bike close to the wood line, I grab the medium-sized black duffel bag containing my deliveries and sprint off toward Main Street.

The food doesn’t weigh much, of course, but my roughly 15-pound backpack does; it is a necessity since I don’t have anywhere else to safely store my things. It contains my personal effects: a change of clothes, sneakers, my wallet, a bottle of water, receipts, gum, mints and whatever else it is that collects at the bottom. The backpack causes me to move awkwardly. I clasp the food bag in my right hand and shift the backpack straps up for the 2^nd time in the last 2 minutes as it bumps my left side, shifting its weight across my back with each step.

Closing in on downtown, the honking horns create a cacophony of noise, as I rhythmically sidle to the left and right, like I’m in a real-life dance battle, to squeeze between the throng of people. “Hey, watch out!” the man says. But it’s too late; the heat from the brown liquid radiates across my chest before I even register what has happened and I don’t have time to dwell on it. “Sorry!” I call out as I change my course toward my new destination: the coffee shop bathroom across the street. Inside the bathroom, I fling my clothes about, removing my stained shirt, shoving it in the bag and putting my clean shirt on with one hand. Thank God I remembered to pack a change of clothes this morning.

“Ouch! That’s going to leave a bruise,” I exclaim after plopping down too hard on the first available subway seat. Slouching down in the seat, I put an earbud in my ear and take a deep breath, attempting to calm my nerves. Suddenly movement flickers in my peripheral vision, bringing my attention upwards. “Hello?? Hello??” A young woman is standing a foot in front of me, her hand moving in rapid succession inches from my face. “Yeah, what’s up?” I say, pulling the earbud from my ear. “Can I sit here?” She says, her face contorted in an effort to convey the message please I am desperate. After scanning the area, I point toward the back, “There is an open seat right there,” I say. “I get carsick, the closer I am to the front, the better it is for me,” she pleads. “They make medicine for that,” I say too low to be heard with my back toward her as I collect my things and start walking toward the seat 5 rows back. I don’t need any more issues today.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My head snaps toward the growling noise coming from the seat next to me. A black duffel bag sits on the bench. Curiosity gets the best of me, and I bend down to inspect the mewling monstrosity. The first thing I see are its eyes, they are large round dark saucers staring intently at me. Then I notice its black, brown, and white fur standing erect on its arched back, with stiff straight legs splayed out front. Ears pushed flat against its head.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR     HIIISSSSSSS

I jerk back just as I see claws lunge toward my face. “Friendly feline you got there”, I said to who I suspect was its owner. “She just doesn’t like being shoved in that contraption or the whole movement thing, otherwise she is pretty cute and cuddly,” the lady said. “Reeeall cute.”

“If you’re getting off on 33^rd Street, exit now after we come to a complete stop,” the driver said through the overhead speaker. “Gotta run,” I called out to the cat lady as I grabbed my belongings and hustled to the front.

“Finally,” I say, releasing a long breath as I stare at the brick three-floor walkup. “Only 10 minutes late, not too bad.” I wait at the top of the stairs after ringing the buzzer for…Alejandro, I confirm after glancing back at the ticket. The door swings open and a large man looms in the doorway. His face is set in a scowl, “It took you long enough.” Ignoring his comment I say, “Hey, I have your delivery here.” “Well, come on with it,” he snaps. “I’m trying to open the zipper,” I say, tugging at it.

RAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR

What in the world! The zipper is open just enough to see one side of the tri-colored cat’s head. I attempt to push it back unseen as I hear, “I didn’t order no cat.” “Well, you did order Chinese, isn’t that kind of the same thing?” “But that cat would at least be well done.” “I’m sorry sir, I’ll place a new order for you, on the house.” “Don’t worry about it, I’m no longer hungry.” Well..ummm…your next order is free,” I say in an attempt to satisfy the man. “It better be,” he says as the door slams shut. “Great, now I have to find the lady from the subway and give her this cat back.”

I take the steps two at a time and stop at the bottom contemplating the way. “Right,” I say, turning in that direction, picking up speed as I travel along the sidewalk. My right leg buckles as my foot sticks in an uneven crack in the sidewalk. I outstretch a hand to break my inevitable fall when my shoulder connects with something before meeting the ground. “Get your hands off me!” Now on the ground, I unclasp my hand from around the stranger’s ankle. “Sorry. Sorry,” I say as I attempt to stand up and brush myself off. Whaaaappp! Her hand lands hard across my cheek. I grab the side of my face, attempting to lessen its sting as I say, “What was that for?” “You stole my boss’ cat, I was taking her to the vet, and you almost got me fired,” she barked. “It was an accident; it was in the same type of bag as my deliveries,” I reply. “You should not grab things without double checking they’re yours. You need to be more careful!” With that, she snatches the bag containing the cat and struts off. I look around and see my black duffle bag a few feet away. I jump up and grab the bag.

Buzzz Buzzz

My phone vibrates against my leg in my shorts pocket, and I hesitate before taking it out. I don’t even need to see it to know who’s calling me. DRH delivery flashes across the screen. DAMIIOOONNN!! My boss’ voice booms in my ear the moment I connect the call.

“Yes sir?”

“Do you think you’re funny?”

“Um…sometimes.”

“Giving the man an actual cat. You’re lucky you didn’t give him a heart attack. Turns out it looks just like his cat, Poppy, who just died; he is very distraught. This was your last strike, you’re fired, son!”

Click. The phone disconnects. I stare down at the phone I’m still holding.

What a CATastrophe!