Hansel and Gretel in the 21st Century

The children were all sitting quietly in their seats, when their teacher came in with another woman whom they had never seen before. Their teacher spoke with her most formal voice and said:

“Students, you are very fortunate today, because our special guest is Hilary Grimsby, the famous author of the children’s book Fairy Tales for Children of the Twenty-First Century. Please greet her with applause.” The children did so.  Most of them have heard of the book and is author, but few had even tried to read it.

The special guest stepped up to the lectern at the front of the class, something their teacher rarely ever used. She lay a fat book on the top part of the stand, and tested out the microphone, something their teacher had never used with them.

           “Good morning children, my name is Hilary Grimsby. Today, I am going to read from my book on fairy tales. I have taken the often inappropriate fairy tales of the past and modernized them so that they are correct for children today..

           The story that I will be reading today is called Hansel and Gretel. No. her name wasn’t Greta. She was unaware of the perils of climate change. Those were cold, dark times.  You may have heard or read the story before, but this version is much more suitable for young minds. It is the 21^st century version.”

           She then began to read:          

           “There was a family of a father whose job was recycling wood. The mother had a good job composing and giving webinars for improving employee production in large corporations. They had two children, twins. One was a girl, Gretel, and the other was her brother Hansel. One night, Hansel heard their mother speaking to their father, telling him that she was worried that the two children were playing video games far too much of the day and the night. She thought it would be better for their children to be outside more, perhaps walking in the woods nearby. She felt that it would be a peaceful and calming activity, so that Hansel in particular would not have his aggression encouraged by the violence in the video games that he played. 

She planned to take Gretel and Hansel into the woods, and leave them deep inside on their own. In that way they would be challenged by finding their way back. Google Maps would be of no use to them, as it did not deal with forest pathways. They would, of course, have their cell phones with them, just in case they got lost for a long period of time. 

           Hansel, knowing their mother was right, that he should not be spending so much time playing video games, particularly those involving excessive violence, went to his twin sister Gretel to ask what they should do. She suggested that he take some of the white pebbles from the garden and put them in his pocket, being careful to wash them and his hands afterwards.

afterwards.

So the mother and the two children went for a walk into the woods the next day. Hansel had the white pebbles in his pocket, and would drop one every 20 strides or so on the side of the path. He used his watch to count the strides.  After exactly an hour and a half of walking, the mother left them in the woods, telling them not to follow her.

           An hour after she went out of sight, the twins walked slowly back homewards, following the trail of white pebbles. Their mother was proud of them at first, until she overheard them talking about the stones that had been dropped along the way. She told them that they had been cheating. They would have to go through the exercise again, without the pebbles.

           On Sunday, they took a different way through the forest. She was strict about the no-pebbles rule, but when she wasn’t looking, Hansel had taken a few slices of gluten-free bread out of the refrigerator, and put them into his jacket pocket. He would use them to mark where they had been. He wasn’t quite as book-smart as his sister, but he could be boy-clever at times

           This time, as they walked through the woods, Hansel would rip small pieces off of the bread, and drop them on the side of the path as he had the pebbles the day before. He was careful not to keep looking at his watch, but tried counted the strides on his own.  Again, their mother left them behind once they were far into the woods. They again waited for an hour before they would make their return. Their mother’s helpful words about cheating had not worked as they should have.

           When they started their return trip, they could not find any pieces of bread. They heard the sound of wings, and saw a blue jay flying away with one piece in its mouth. They were upset. They had learned from their mother and in school--Hilary looks at the teacher at this point-- that it was not good to feed bread to birds, as it was not a healthy diet for them.

           They were in trouble now. They had left in such a hurry that they had forgotten to take their cell phones with them. They just had to use their intuition and their limited bush skills. That did not work. They were lost. They walked for hours. Both of them were getting hungry.

           Just as the sky was beginning to darken, they came into a clearing and saw a beautiful house. It was all green. As they got closer to it, Hansel got a whiff of a wonderful smell. It was a mixture of several of his favourite foods: kale, spinach, and Brussel sprouts. The house was made out of good-for-you green vegetables. The sprouts had been used to create a kind of stucco effect.. He was so hungry, that he started to pick some of the greens off of the wall nearest to him.

           It wasn’t long before they were discovered. “Ah ha” came the sound of a woman’s voice. “Nibble, nibble like a mouse. Who is that nibbling on my house?”

           Gretel and Hansel looked in the direction of the sound, and saw an older woman, a Senior, dressed all in black. But it was clear that she was not a Goth. Her complexion was tanned, obviously from working in the garden. They could see that it also kept her fit.

           When she saw that the nibbler was a child, and that he and his sister had hungry looks on their faces, she asked them inside. ‘You must be hungry. I can cook you up some dinner. I’m afraid that you will not be able to call your parents. There is no cell phone reception here. I live in the dark ages. But I can have you two for dinner.’

           So they sat down, and politely waited while the old woman cooked the meal in a very big pot over the fireplace. Her heating bill was not a concern, as she was off the grid. All three of them had a wonderful meal of greens, with sweet potatoes for dessert.”

           Hilary put down the book briefly and says to the children.

“I should point out here that no child gets locked in a cage. No Senior gets pushed into a huge oven and is reduced to ashes. And greedy children do not steal her hard-earned wealth, profiting from their violence.” She then returned to the text.

           “The Senior drove the kids back home in her purely electric-powere car. Google maps directed her to the children’s home. They just had to give her their address.

           When they arrived, their mother was glad to see them. She hadn’t been trying to get rid of them, like in the original barbaric story. And she obviously hadn’t died or disappeared mysteriously like in the earlier version. Everyone was happy and alive. And they had a breakfast of green tea and avocado toast. It all ended well.