Love and Fear

Brad first met Monica a few weeks ago when he was at a party over at his friend’s house. He had just turned 20 then, a good-looking, happy and enthusiastic man enjoying life and looking for someone to live his life with. 

The strong attraction between them was obvious from the start and they talked, walked, ate and laughed for hours. They lived 5 minutes away from each other, they both had a daughter but still went on a few dates. Brad didn’t understand what had happened at first. But soon enough, Monica wanted a safer bet. Brad was a wild card, having the time of his life. Brad was on the move, he believed it would be more responsible to go for “the girl next door”. She wanted guarantees. She wanted to feel safe. 

Brad tried to convince Monica to follow her heart instead of her head, but she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. It made little sense, but there was nothing he could do. They wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy Birthdays. 

And then they did. It wasn’t working out with the girlfriend, while their attraction was still the same. It was as if they had never been apart. They didn’t date again, but they met from time to time when he was passing through town. They became friends and casual lovers — but always kept a safe emotional distance. Brad was going on a work trip to Monica’s home town. Monica stayed with him for a week. For Brad, it had been the final test. He called her after he left and said that while he loved her; he wasn’t in love with her. Okay. Maybe it was time for them to put it all to rest now. 

Brad met someone else and didn’t think much about Monica until two years later when they went out for lunch in his hometown. To Monica, he was just a friendly face on a lonely work trip, but little did she know that he had been doing the serious soul-searching. Brad apologized for not treating her well, confessing that he had lied about it, Brad had just been gasping for air. It scared him, that she would leave again as soon as she had appeared. But now he had surrendered to the risks. Seeing him on and off for such a long time had been draining and now, so many years later, when she had moved on, he confessed to his feelings and acknowledged his fears. Could this be true? Or was it just easy to say, now she was unavailable? Their meeting shook Monica up, but she had a different life now. Monica didn’t see Brad for another two years. At that point, her relationship had ended, and she found herself, once again, crossing paths with Brad.

Remembering what Brad had said two years earlier, thoughts were bouncing around in Monica’s head. Should they just do this now? If he isn’t afraid anymore, why not try it? But it turned out, she didn’t have to think about that. Brad, now pushing thirty, had reached another stage in his emotional life. He started young, enthusiastic, but too fearful. He then became reckless and unavailable, while dating countless women. And now he had hit the final stage — withdrawal. He had become bitter, apathetic, and had to surrender. Brad wanted no more disappointments and had decided that, while a relationship and family life was what he wanted, it just wasn’t in the cards for him. And this from a rational man who has no belief in fate or destiny! Monica cares about Brad and so, seeing all of this up close made her sad. But what’s worse is that we all do this. They all let fear interfere in our intimate relationships. 

During one of their last meetings, Brad told Monica something he had never talked about until now. Without knowing it, he gave her the last pieces of the puzzle. When he was a young child, his mother had split up the family and left. Brad, an only child, got caught in the middle. it all made sense to Monica. The one person supposed to love that little boy more than anybody else had hurt him so he would never trust another woman again. No matter how many dates go on, he will never find the right woman. Because it’s not about them. It’s about the fear in the heart of that little boy he once was. It’s about learning to trust. It’s about being brave enough to be vulnerable and intimate. It’s about unconditional love. About loving another, without loving ourselves any less. While thinking of Brad’s story, Monica started to see how fear had been controlling decisions in her relationships. She saw how everything from dating the wrong guy, too reluctant to commit and settle. Monica saw how she had often been running away myself, just like Brad. Monica saw how fear is always there setting their expectations and their beliefs — in life and love. It’s a sad story, but Monica thinks there’s a lesson here for all of us.  

                                ......

Fear impeded me and Brad’s ability to love each other, so we had no choice but to go our separate ways. It was hard because we had a lot in common and there was a lot of pain that came with a heartbreak. He let others come between us, including the fear and that left a big hole in my heart. The music wasn’t helping, texting him wasn’t helping even though he was texting back because he once lied about multiple things. He lied about not being able to have any more kids, which wasn’t hard to figure out because when we were dating, I asked him if he wanted more kids and he said, ‘Yeah, but not right now. Maybe later in life.’  There were a lot of lies coming from his mouth, I didn’t know if I could trust him anymore, which is why I never heard from him again and he never heard from me. I told his Godmother’s daughter everything, including the truth about what happened between us.  

“Do you love me?” 

“Yes,”

“Can you come outside for me?” 

“Yeah,”

“Okay, don’t be playing games,”

“I’m not,”

 “All right,”

As Monica opens the door, her heartbeats as if death was creeping up on her and she was trying to catch her breath. When she sees Brad pull up in his two-door car, she gets in and they talk. 

“How’s your baby mama?”

“Good, why?”

“Just asking, You mentioned you had gotten back with each other, so I thought I should ask.”

“Awe well she’s good.”

Monica didn’t want to know about how things were between him and his baby mama, because she had a feeling that he was lying about them being back together, because if he was back with her, why would he be sitting in the car with me? Why’d what took place that might happen? If I asked him these questions, he would stop talking to me. Brad wasn’t the guy that Monica could count on, he lied about caring about her. 

“You didn’t reply to my message on Snapchat,”

“Yes, I care about you little girl,”

“Don’t call me a little girl,” 

What went on that night was magical, well for Monica it was magical for only a few seconds. Brad didn’t care, he saw it as nothing, as if it was meaningless, which made Monica question why in the hell was she dating a loser like him? Why’d they made love? Monica stops having feelings for Brad altogether. She saw it as nothing. A few weeks later, Monica started thinking about a future without Brad. Brad never crossed Monica’s mind, until she started feeling sick. 

                            …………

I called Brad one night I told him, that I almost threw up and he asked me if I took a test, I told him no. I mean why should I take a test, when I know my body, then he claimed I was trying to trap him, what's there to trap him for? He's not worth setting a trap for, he's not even husband material. A man who's husband material, wouldn't go out fuck every woman in Tennessee, I'm not one to use a black man's words against him, but he's the one that said "My dick is only good enough for Tennessee", all I did was laugh 'cause he just put out there, that he messes with everybody. 

Monica calls Brad after going to the doctor

"Hello"

"Hey, I need to ask you something"

"What's up"

"What were you thinking?"

"What are you talking about?"

What Monica found out, made her change how she looked at guys, who came into her life. Brad lied to her, instead of telling the truth. So for a year Monica dated, but she didn't have sex or kiss anyone again, until she found the right guy.