The Officer and the Liar

Lucy: I am Officer Lucy Goode. First I am going to ask you a series of questions. I would like you to answer as accurately and specifically as possible. Remember, you have the right to remain silent.  Is this clear?  Yes or no?

Stewart: Yup.

L: A simple yes or no will do.

S: Yes ma'am.

L: Where were you on the night of December 11th?

Stewart: Let's see… on the night of the eleventh… Oh, I remember!  I was walking out of the Citgo on North Avenue, y'know, with the four packs of cigarettes I stole from the convenience store.  Then I saw this lady-- older lady-- walking back to her car.  She had it unlocked, but she was slow, y'know, because she was old, so I was like, 'hey!  I'll go take that car!'  I mean, it wasn't even a nice car--I don't really know why I took it.  It was just there, y'know?  

L: Please continue…

S: Oh of course!  So then I--uh--hopped in the front seat and just started zooming! I was goin' like, really fast, and then, like, really slow, just to, like, confuse all the people around me.  I probably caused, like, a dozen accidents.  Then I got bored of obnoxiously ripping around in the streets, but I still wanted to do something wrong.

L: I- uh… And what was that? 

S: I was like, 'Oh, I'm gonna go rob a bank!'  So then, guess what I did?

L: You robbed a bank?

S: You betcha!  I robbed a bank.  Not only did I rob a bank, I robbed the bank at gunpoint.  That's aggravated robbery for ya!  

L: I-wow.  You are seriously self-incriminating here.  I will give you one chance to revoke your claims because, quite frankly, I don't believe them.

S: Ahh, you caught me!  I revoke my claims… I was actually sitting at home, drinking hot cocoa, watching Seinfeld.  Y'know, I'm a relaxed, homebody type of guy.

L: Sir.  You do realize that lying to law enforcement can result in criminal conviction, correct?

S: Uh… I…

L: And why would you lie to make yourself seem guilty?  I don't understand.

S:  I don't wanna say.

L: You 'don't wanna say'?

S: No.

L: Why?

S: 'Cause.  It's embarrassing.

L:  Sir, I don't have time for games.  Answer the question.

S: I think you're pretty.

L: Okay… how is this related to the case?

S: Well, you could've said 'thank you.'

L: I asked once and I will only ask once again: how is that related to the case?

S:  It's not.

L: Fair enough… next question…

S: Hold up.  I said you're pretty because, well, I think you're pretty.  And I lied… because I wanted you to like me.

L: You lied to me, a police officer, so that I would like you?

S: Well, yeah.  I mean, you deal with criminals all the time, guys who aren't afraid of anything.  And the bad guy always gets the girl, right?

L: Sir, this is not a dating service.  This is the police department.  I ask you questions, and you answer them to the extent you can.  I am not here for love, I am here for work.  And, quite frankly, I love my work too much.  I don't have time for people-love.

S: Oh, how cool is that!  I don't really have time for people-love either!  I work ten hour shifts as  a nurse at the children's hospital, so I totally understand the grind.  I'd be chill with, like, weekly dates, if that's what you were looking for?

L: Sir, I am looking for nothing of the sort.  Especially while I am on the clock.  I am going to clarify your answer from before: On the night of December 11th, you were at home, drinking hot cocoa, watching Seinfeld?

S: Yeah.  But, like, I'm not just a Seinfeld guy.  I like Friends, Arrested Development, y'know-- all those shows.

L: Sir, I do not care about the shows-- hold on, did you say Arrested Development?

S: Why yes I did.

L: 'Do you know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with a 'T' on it?'

S: 'It's a cross.'

L: 'Across from where.'

S: Ah, you're a hardcore fan, I see.  I like a girl with a sense of humor.

L: Wow- uh- we are getting way off track.  My next question: what is your relationship to Joseph Dole, the convict?

S: You remember how I told you that I am a nurse at the children's hospital, right?

L: Yes.

S: Yeah, so, his daughter needed a heart transplant.  It was a miracle, we didn't think she had a chance, but she did.  And then years later, the girl, Emma, asked to interview me for a job report for school.  When her dad picked her up, we realized we had a lot in common, and our friendship began.

L: I did not need a whole life's story, but--wow, I was not expecting that.

S: Yeah, it's quite a story.  But sorry about that, I've been very off track.

L: Oh don't be, that's okay.  I'm actually… kind of enjoying learning about you. I mean,  I know I didn't exactly think so in the beginning… 

S: None taken.

L: … but I get it.  I get that lonely feeling, that do-whatever-I-can-for-the-possibility-of-love kind of thing.

S: I thought you said your work was your love?

L: I do love my work, don't get me wrong-- it would just be nice to love a person.  People can give love back.

S: I'm a person.

L: I can see that.

S: So… what about me?  What about giving me a chance?  I mean, you already know that I'm really, really into you.  To be fair, I did almost self-incriminate on behalf of getting your interest.

L:  Yeah, and to be fair, you did lie to a police officer.

S:  Pot-ay-to po-tah-to.  Same difference.  I am still  'One of the few honest people I have ever known.'

L: Another Arrested Development quote?  I just might have to give you a chance.

S: Huh, I guess the bad guy doesn't always get the girl.  Just the one who lies about auto theft aggravated robbery.