The New Neighbor

Bert waved his fob at the panel and managed to open the apartment entrance without dropping the groceries he held in his arm. The tip of his shoes incidentally caught the bottom of the entrance’s carpet and ruined his elation at having juggled his way in. Before he fell on his face, a pair of hands grabbed him and kept him upright. A short, stout man had caught him, and by extension saving his groceries from serving as crash pads.

“Whoa,” said the stranger. “That was a close one.”

Bert chuckled in relief. “Yeah, thanks. Hey, wait minute. I saw you a couple of days ago when Phil had that open viewing. You’re going to be my next door neighbor?”

“At least for a year,” he said. “My name is Ernie.”

“Bert. I would shake your hand, but you know.”

Ernie laughed. “Man, you’re a funny guy. The neighbors at my last apartment wouldn’t know a joke from a hole in a ground.”

“What were you previous neighbors like?” asked Bert as he started walking towards the elevator.

Ernie shrugged as he followed Bert. “I don’t want to speak ill of the dead.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” said Bert. “I didn’t know-“

“-Because they’re all so old they might as well be dead!” bellowed Ernie as he laughed uproariously. 

Bert gave a weak chuckle. “Oh, it’s no wondered you moved out. It’s hard for piles of dust to hold a conversation.”

Ernie bent over and gasped for air as he laughed. 

“Ah, Bert,” he managed to say between bellows. “You should be a stand-up comic. You would slay. Absolutely slay everyone.”

Bert began rapidly pushing the elevator button.

“That’s nice of you to say,” said Bert. “But there’s no way I’m going to an open mic.”

Ernie stood upright having successfully brought his laughter under control.

“You should really consider it,” he said as he rubbed away the tears in his eyes. “I don’t just say this to anyone, but you've got a real gift.”

Bert smiled uneasily. “Yeah, comedy’s great and all, but I just don’t have the time.”

The ding of the elevator drew both of their attentions. The doors slid open and salvation appeared to be in reach for Bert. They both walked in and Ernie swiped his fob across the panel scanner before punching in their floor number.

“Lucky number 13,” said Ernie. 

“That’s just superstitions nonsense,” said Bert.

“Now hold on there,” said Ernie. “Lady Luck is always watching and listening. You don’t want to tempt her.”

Bert barely concealed a snort. “What? It’s just random chance. There’s no entity parceling out favors and curses like some deranged trick-or-treatee.” 

The elevator suddenly screeches to the halt and the lights blinked off.

“Told you,” said Ernie.

“It’s just a power outage,” said Bert. “It’s pure coincidence.”

“Alright,” said Ernie. “You just keep telling yourself that. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to be silently praying to Lady Luck to forgive your slight.”

Bert wasn’t sure if Ernie was joking. 

“You know, you should put those grocery bags down,” said Ernie. “We could be stuck here for a while.” 

“Hopefully not,” said Bert as he placed the bags upon the ground. “I got a carton of ice cream in here.”

“Oh boy,” said Ernie. “Lady Luck is definitely going to ensure we’ll be stuck in here.”

Bert was glad the darkness hid his eye rolling. “Yes, I’m sure that given all the other people who have been inconvenienced by this power outage, she’ll pay special attention to me.”

Ernie clicked his tongue in a disapproving manner. “Now you’ve done it,” said Ernie. “I would eat up that ice cream if I were you.”

Bert scoffed. “The power will be back on before that happens.”

Bert was certain the power was not going to come back on before the ice cream melted. He just couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge Ernie was right. 

They waited in the darkness until unexpected news greeted Bert.

“I need to pee,” said Ernie.

“So hold it in,” said Bert.

“I can’t,” said Ernie. “I really need to go.”

“Yes, you can hold it,” said Bert. “There’s no toilet in here.”

Bert could hear Ernie pacing around the elevator floor. He even started hopping from side to side.

“Oh,” groaned Ernie. “Why did I drink two slushies?”

“Just stop thinking about your bladder,” said Bert. 

“Easy for you to say,” said Ernie. “It feels like it’s going to burst. I'm going to pee on the ground.”

“Woah!” said Bert. “Look, any minute now, the power is going to be back on and then we’ll be on our way.”

“Nope, nope,” said Ernie. “Not going to happen. I also drank a cup of coffee.”

“Why did you drink coffee and two slushies?” said Bert.

“There was a grand opening of a café just five minutes from here,” said Ernie. “I wasn’t going to pass up free coffee. It was pretty good.”

“Was it worth the full bladder?” said Bert with a snort.

“Oh man, you got me thinking about how badly I need to pee,” said Ernie.

“Okay, okay,” said Bert. “Just think about the desert. Totally dry –“

“-And in need of water!” said Ernie. “I’m not going to make it!”

“Wait,” said Bert. “Let’s…let’s use the ice cream carton.”

“What about the ice cream?” asked Ernie. 

“What about it?” said Bert. “I’m just going to empty it out onto the floor. It’s better than having pee everywhere.”

“Don’t waste it,” said Ernie. “We have to eat it.”

“Are you serious?” said Bert. “You said your bladder is about to burst.”

“We can’t waste food,” said Ernie. 

Bert sighed. “Alright, fine. Wait a minute, we don’t have any spoons.”

“Give me a moment,” said Ernie. 

Bert heard him fumbling through his pocket before a light suddenly appeared on the ground. Using the light of his smart phone, he illuminated a couple of objects in his hand.

“Why do you have plastic wrapped spoons?” said Bert.

“I was stopping by this yogurt place –“

“Never mind,” said Bert. “Let’s start eating.”

The two began devouring the ice cream as fast they could. Every few moments, they would each clutch their head and silently scream from the brain freeze inducing pain. After a few minutes, they had finished off the double chocolate sea salt ice cream. Bert gazed forlornly at the empty carton.

“This was supposed to last a couple of weeks,” said Bert.

“I promise I’ll pay you back,” said Ernie. “But right now, I need you to turn around.”

Bert was about to say that it didn’t matter once the smart phone light was turned off when the power came back on. The elevator shuddered once before resuming its journey to the 13^th floor.

“Hah!” crowed Ernie. “Looks like I won’t need that carton after all.”

Ernie’s smile quickly faded at the sight of Bert’s sour face. 

“Well, uh, thanks anyways,” said Ernie. “I doubt anyone else would be willing to give up their dessert like that.”

“You’re welcome,” said Bert who was feeling anything but magnanimous. 

The elevator dinged once and opened its doors. The two stepped out and headed for their respective suites. Just before Bert close his door, Ernie called out to him.

“Hey man, I’m sorry you had to sacrifice your ice cream. I’ll buy you two cartons.”

Bert sighed and gave a smile. “Alright, I’ll hold you to your word. You better get going before your bladder explodes.”

Ernie chuckled and quickly unlocked his door before bolting for the washroom. Bert allowed his door to close and began unpacking his groceries all the while hoping that the future would have less eventful meetings between himself and Ernie.

After unpacking everything, he headed to the toilet to empty out his bladder where upon he discovered a slowly growing puddle of water. He signed and turned off the toilet valve.

The superintendent wasn't going to be back until later this evening. He wearily put on his shoes and headed to Ernie's suite. He knocked on the door and a muffled shout emerged.

"Just a minute," said Ernie. "I'm in the can!"