Burned

James looked at Linda, “That’s not only absurd. It’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, really?”

He nodded with a finality she had learned to challenge only with the best arguments. He would stand his ground to the very end. And perhaps beyond it.

She thought, ‘This is so much fun…’

They were finishing their Friday night dinner at their favorite restaurant. ‘Maybe I should have skipped that second margarita…’

Hugs, kisses and even general applications of affection carried no weight with James, when resolving disputes like this. Linda knew. They were lovers.

But James loved his opinions more. Nothing else mattered, when he knew something for a fact. His nod represented an insurmountable bastion of unshakeable opinion. She loved drawing him into a debate. And she especially loved winning.

Linda giggled. Her humor over their debate caught James off guard. This was a new tack.

“What’s funny?”

“You, Jimmy. Taking things so seriously. Can’t you see I’m joking?”

“It’s a joke?”

“Of course, silly. You think I really believe my nose gets burned because it’s closer to the sun?”

James thought for a moment. He suspected a trap. “I struggle to believe half the things you say.”

“I’m playing, kiddo.”

“Oh, then, never mind. What were we talking about, before you went on that bizarre rant?”

“I don’t remember.”

The waiter drifted by the table and suggested dessert. They each declined. But James ordered coffee.

Linda said, “Make that two, please.” The waiter nodded and left. “No rush to let go of our table. I’m having too much fun.”

James smiled.

She said, “But I wish you would explain, for fun, why I’m wrong. You know. Why is that so silly?”

He looked at Linda with mock suspicion. “You said it’s a joke. Why pursue it?”

She smiled coyly and played with his foot under the table. “Because…”

“You don’t think it’s obvious?”

“I know what I think. I want to know what you think. Can’t you play?”

James rolled his eyes.  “Alright, let’s play. Your nose doesn’t burn because it is closer to the sun…”

“Please ’splain…”

“…because your cute, little nose is not meaningfully closer to the sun than the rest of your beautiful face. Must I remind you we are talking the difference of millions of miles versus an inch or two?”

Linda flounced back in the booth with a dramatic sigh. She acted as if his explanation had revealed the secret workings of the universe. He could only smirk at her grandiose reaction to his matter of fact answer.

The waiter brought their coffees and made a production of serving them.

James thanked him. He raised his cup in a toast to Linda. She responded in kind and blew on her coffee to cool it.

She leaned forward and looked intently. “James, I’m impressed by your extraordinary answer.” He dismissed her hyperbole. She insisted, “In fact, I’m so impressed, I’m prepared to say ‘you might be right.’”

James did a take. “Excuse me?”

“You might be right, James. Didn’t you hear me? That has to be…”

“I heard you, Linda, quite clearly. I cannot believe you said, ‘I might…’”

“So you’re challenging whether you might be right? You mean you might be wrong?” She put on a look of dazed astonishment.

“No. Wait. It’s not that I might be… I am. I assure you, without a doubt, I am right.”

“So there’s no wiggle room with ‘might’?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Yet, how many times have you told me there are no absolutes?”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“Are you absolutely sure of that?”

“By saying I ‘might’ be right, you leave the possibility I might be wrong. And Linda, you know I am not wrong.”

He could tell she was not convinced.

“Linda, you are the love of my life. I know it vexes you to admit when I am right. I am not trying to vex you. But I am, once again, right. It is an undisputed fact.”

Linda seemed almost ready to admit defeat. Not wanting her mood to dampen, she seemed to struggle with the idea. “You insist you’re right with no chance of the smallest error?”

“Yes. I am right. Anyone would tell you.” He leaned in to whisper. “You know I must live up to your nickname for me, ‘He who knows everything.’”

“Hmmm. Interesting.”

“What?”

“You’re so adamant. I’m curious what would happen if I deflated that huge, pompous balloon known as your ego.”

James had been so ready to gloat. What had she done? What had he missed? Her goading struck a nerve. “Who has the ego? You can never admit you’re wrong when...”

She laughed. “I don’t care about being wrong.” She adopted a haughty attitude.  “I seek the truth…”

“Uh huh… And I follow the science. Ever hear of it?”

“Oh, right, science. I always thought that came with questions.”

“Your point?”

“Testing my assumptions. Aren’t they still testing Einstein’s theories? A century later?”

“So?”

“You think the science is settled.”

“On the sun’s distance from… your nose? Pretty much settled.”

“So firmly cast in stone, you don’t feel compelled to answer my original question?”

“I said an inch or two closer makes no difference in why your nose would get sunburned.”

“Yet you admit my nose is closer to the sun, and it also does get burned.”

“Of course. But…”

“So the question rests on what I mean by the word ‘closer.’“

“You’re still pursuing this? Linda, this game is beyond tedious. What is your point…?”

“I admitted you might be right. And you disagreed with me. So…”

Exasperated, James raised his arms and let them flop. “The sun’s light hits your nose at a different angle, more directly than your face…”

Linda continued, “…if I see something directly instead of from a reflection, could I say I’m closer then? If there is less ‘stuff’ between my nose and the source of radiation? You could say ‘closer isn’t mere distance, but… attitude?’

“I wouldn’t…”

“Or, when a beam of light shines through a magnifying glass. Would the ant getting fried by that intense beam think it was effectively ‘closer’ than his buddy standing under the cool shade of a nearby leaf?”

“But…”

“Don’t deflect, Jimmy. People say looking through binoculars brings the object closer…”

“That’s a figure of speech, Linda. There’s no magnification. That isn’t what you said.”

“What I said, and what you assumed I meant…”

James saw that, sooner or later, Linda would wear him down. He sighed. “I see your point. How do I say this…?” He sighed, “You might be right?”

Linda threw her hands in the air. “Yay!”

He shook his head at how she played him. “Happy now?”

“Thrilled. I have so much fun with you, Jimmy.”

They laughed together and he signaled for the check.