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Submitted to: Contest #156
Written in response to: "Write a story where a character is experiencing parallel realities."
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4 comments
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Wow, thank you Tommy!!! I appreciate all that you gave me to think about, perhaps not about this story in particular, but as a whole. I didn't spend much time on this story, as it was the first for me to enter into a contest after a twenty year fear-fest. You'd think it'd be the opposite. Also, though I love writing and everything that it does in-tale, I have to admit that I am quite illiterate regarding the actual procedures and guidelines of writing. I have recently taken up a course though, and am currently learning that there is much more to writing than I'd have imagined.
Again, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to comment, means a lot to me, I will definitely pay it forward as you suggested.
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What a lovely plot. Welcome to Reedsy.
Theme: It's all an illusion / Make your own reality / Everyone needs Counseling
The Characters might be intruding on the plot just a wee bit. Can you give up the 'twist' for character? Option 1. Start your story with the hypno counselor. This usually happens when a person has tried everything else... then they give up control. The 2 storylines work (because they are rather... flat. Jimmy is especially a lazy useless character written in last draft. Do you like him? I don't. Why do people read about characters they don't like?
They usually don't.
But if this is all an analysis of 2 diferent options, if Jimmy isn't the star but Carter... he has the humanity. Jimmy is that thing that would have been shot in a field when such things were normal. Perhaps the next world war will get him.
So Carter is redeamable but Jimmy is not.
Option 2: Change "shitshow" (which shows Jimmy to be ungreatful, which shows Jimmy to feel/act/perhaps "be" useless.... make him nervous. Give him humanity right there.
~~~~~
Do we need the boy in the window? I haven't found the reason to have the boy in the window.
NOTES:
I. intro
2.) background characters:
Mom/Caroline
Jimmy
Carter had it all, most thought. He was six foot five, with a body builder frame, deep green eyes and the smile of a movie star.
Allie: wife of Carter.
Bank manager’s daughter: Alyssa
Jeffery: chauffeur
ACTION: backstory; date; hit by a flying disk. Parallel reality
Once there, he said aloud to his pet rat-" well, this should be a hell of a shitshow!! ”
Like: pet rat.
Don’t like: “shitshow”. At this point, why are we reading? You make us hate a guy that plays video games and says that his mom is rich/widowed/wealthy. He has no ambitions. When he gets a bone, be barks at the bone. I hate this line.
OPPORTUNITY (SECOND START) : In a nearby town, Carter was having an episode, as Allie mockingly called it. She could tell when he wasn’t ‘home’, she said he had a certain look in his eyes. And she avoided him at all costs.
(IF STARTED WITH THIS REALITY…. COULD HE ENJOIN THE NEGATIVE REALITY AND TRY TO FIX IT? )
---Answer: No, the dominant plot point is the hypno. At current plot, could not 'compare and contrast' then fix. Would have to start with counselor.
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Strength of Work:
-Writing clear
-Device of "disk golf" pretty decent for a form of parallel universe. People can have mini comas for some minutes.
-Use of Hypnotic Therapist is a counselor. If you decide to ever use this as POV (en medis) ... please give the counselor a small dog and dog hair on the couch. I find it so remotely unprofessional and real.
-Ending: Current ending is very good. I hate the middle. Can't stand Jimmy.
-Carter? He's fine. I especially love that Jimmy sees him one way and it may not be accurate. This part is very good. But you have written Jimmy to be so useless... it is a chore to see all the good. He is almost not redeamable. REally. Once you meet real life video game sponges like this.... ones with the look of nothing in their eyes; no ambition... the world is too small for them. They need to be upcycled as soon as possible.
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BRB
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Look, you get the long response because critique circle sent you over. You get these kind of responses 1.) it seems like you want actual responses. 2.) I click on your COMMENTS section and notice you comment on other works.
As this is your first story... hopefully you appreciate someone spending more than 2 minutes on a response to your story. If so, please pay it forward. Authors need to know what works and what doesn't work. Everyone is a reader. Make an opionion valid by just showing why you beleive what you do. I really hate Jimmhy. Serious. You made him too useless. I would not have completed this story if I wasn't looking to give you useful feedback.
:-=)
And I was being bluntly honest when I said the plot is good and the devices you used have not been done before; namely the frisbee golf. Hypno maybe done...but it was done in a different way. All is well.
Tone: Humanity? Comedy? Thinker? Usually heart and brain work best. See: Ted Chiang.
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