The light

“ You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

“I want to live,” I said to myself one cold night. I had never thought that I was not living until the day I made that vow. A vow that would dictate my choices for the few months I had left.

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When we are young we are never taught how life could be cruel and unfair. How some people are born lucky and others work hard just to succeed by being lucky afterward. How some of us a born with conditions that will never allow us to see the light of the world and how others will forever shine in the light, dwell in it, and keep it from themselves. When the rest of us itch just to see the light.

Those were the morbid thoughts that would run through my mind every single night. My body’s weak state was a reminder that I was born unlucky. That I might never reach the light and that my life was short, to begin with. Nonetheless, this did not stop my dear parents to attempt every possible method to prolong my life. They would buy me medicine, take me to the hospital without an insurance cover, stay with me, and never let me feel lonely. They tried to make sure I was educated like the rest of the kids my age and try to give me the experiences that they had.

Occasionally I would smile to show them I was okay or I was having a good time but it was hard when everyone would look down on me as you sat there in your wheelchair with nowhere to go. Adults would smile at you, Your agemates would laugh behind your back and the children would stare. That was how I lived every day of my life, I was just not lucky enough to even be treated like a normal human being, I just had to pretend that everything was fine when it was really out of my control, I just flowed with the motions of life hoping things would not get worse. I remained unchanged from all of this until one day when I was told something that got to my nerves.

I would never forget that day, it was on December 16th, I remember it well because it was my birthday but it was the day where I felt an emotion that I had never felt before. I was blowing out my candles as everyone gathered around me singing with me as the usual center of attention.

“What did you wish for?”My dad asked with his wide grin on his face.

“It’s a secret,” I said acting mysteriously. The truth was I never really wished for anything. It was scary wanting something because wanting something leaves space for disappointment.

My dad simply smiled and hugged me, but the hug was tighter than usual. It felt odd, I never questioned it but it did leave me feeling weird about the entire situation. The celebrations continued and I was there to put on a fake smile for everyone who attended. I felt like I was a jester at my birthday party. I was the one to lead the mood for everyone, if I became sad it would just make everyone else pretend to be sad with me and pity me. I hated the feeling of pity so I continued to pretend to be happy.

Putting up a fake persona was exhausting and eventually, I managed to pass through the crowd of people and go back indoors with the excuse that I was going to take a drink. As I sighed entering the room I heard,” There’s nothing more we can do.”

I recognized the voice and it was Doctor Vega, she had been taking care of me for as long as I could remember. I entered the room to see my mother in tears, it was rare for my mother to cry, and seeing her in tears brought out a different feeling inside of me. The words rang in my ears and before I knew it my mother had seen me and ran hug me. I was shocked and watched her cry while she continued to apologize to me.

“What do you mean?”I asked unable to center myself on one feeling.

“Angie, I am terribly sorry, but……..”

When she told me the news about my worsening condition I blocked out all the other sounds that were around me. I could feel anger well up inside of me, at the same time, I could feel the fear of death looming over me.

“But it’s not fair,” I said

They both looked at me with pity.

“It’s not fair.”I repeated,” I have been stuck in this wheelchair my entire life, I have never complained about my situation, now you’re telling me I am going to die, did I even live!”I said bursting into tears being chocked by my own words

Those were the few times I cried in front of people but there were bitter tears. I was bitter that I was unlucky. That night I had millions of thoughts going through my mind, I could not make out anything. My tears had dried up and I could only feel pain. I never knew how much emotional pain could hurt until I experienced it.

It was all the pain and discomfort that made me question everything I had done in my life. It made me question every hour, every minute, every second I lived in my life. Every choice I made, every moment that I spent in my head, every time I chose to not seek out anything in life. It made me think of all those moments. All these thoughts led up to only one feeling which was regret. I regretted being wasteful. I regretted not seeing what the world had to offer. I regretted seeing myself as unlucky when I had so many good things going for me. I regretted all of it.

I taught myself that I was unlucky, that I was the few who would never get the light and yet I never tried to step into it myself. It was all this that made me want to change. I only had a few months left but I wanted to live those months left the best way I could. I wanted to step into the light. To feel the light’s warmth and to have it glow on my pale skin. I wanted all of that.

With the newfound courage and resolve, I went to my parents and looked at their sad faces. l looked at them and I felt the warmth that was always around me.

“Want a hug?”My mom asked.

Then I could not produce any sound and I burst out into tears and nodded. They came over to me and hugged me as I said, “I am going to live in the light.”