Let The Church Say Amen!

I am Augustine William Renoir Remington III former Duke of Windermere. I am somewhere over 1100 years old but I don't feel a day over 200 years of age. I am also known as Auggie against my will and wrath to the ignorant, uncultured, and self-righteous swine of Eufala, Alabama. To answer your next question, I am here by choice. Well more for necessity than anything else. See there’s something special about Eufala or rather one fine specimen that goes by the name Christopher Jones. Also known as Lusty in my dead heart, even though he doesn’t know it yet. He's the pastor and glorious leader of that pitiful flock he calls a congregation at Eufala's Baptist Church. During the holy sacrament of the Eucharist, he can turn wine into blood. It's heavenly in its own divine right much more succulent than your everyday O negative blood. Euphoric, illustrious, and intoxicating just like yours truly. Anyway, it keeps me coming back and instead of exsanguinating this entire town. Well, the Eucharist and those pesky little true crime podcasts and Netflix series. You’d think in 2019 that humans would learn to mind the business that pays them but no! I’ll let climate change be their punishment. 

I'm one of the few blessed immortal beings that can day walk. Why skulk in the dark when you can glide in the light? Of course, providing that I have on the highest number of SPF since these southern summers are the equivalent to Hell's waiting room. This morning I am heading out to Sunday service for a little buzz and dressed from head to toe in all-black Jean Paul Gaultier. Fine fabrics and immaculate tailoring is something these heathens know nothing about. The MET Gala and Anna Wintour can eat their heart out as I effortlessly break out my best runway walk while crossing the street. All eyes are on me. Yes Sir! I'm so glad I was made a vampire in my early twenties. Nothing beats youth except immortality. 

Ugh! Here comes the irritating girl who works at the corner store. You would think that a teenager would have better things to do like sex and drugs instead of working and being painful nosy. "Hey! Mr. Auggie!" she shouts as I am coming to her side of the street. "Hello, Grace," I say as I feign a smile. "You're in all black. Are you going to a funeral today?" she says trying not to seem desperate for gossip. Wow, the youth of today are so observant. No child left behind I see. But it will be her funeral if she makes me late for service. "No, as a matter of fact, I am not. I'm just dressed for service as usual in my signature color" in the only sincere voice I can manage for the moment. "Mr. Auggie, you should wear brighter colors for such a beautiful occasion. I have to say I love your jacket! My brother has the same one from Old Navy." she says with a bright smile. The audacity of this child. That bumpkin wouldn't know John Paul Gaultier from a goat. "Listen, Grace, I'm going to be late to service. I'll see you around" I say rushing off so I don't backhand her with the full-strength my pride. I am choosing not to let that fashion dyslexic child ruin the day that I wait all week for. But between you and me, if she represents the future then all of humanity is doomed.

As I walk up to the church I can see a line forming to get in. This service will be for a packed house. Oh, joy! On the other hand Pastor Chris does give his best and most....arousing of sermons with a full audience. I've got to find a way to push some of these harlots aside so I can get a front-row seat. If anyone has a chance with that young powerful vessel of the so-called Lord it's going to be me. I've never put this much effort into courting in my endless life. Men of faith are so fickle. It’s not like in the '70s and 80's when all it took was a sprinkle of cocaine and entrance to Studio 54. I decide to put on my most enchanting smile and charm my way to the front of the line. "Hi Ladies! You all are looking particularly lovely on this glorious Sunday." I say while flashing a Colgate smile that could stop traffic. Of course, all of these Jezebels start swooning. They are not the prime target of my affection but when you look this handsome, it's a sin not to spread it around. "Well, Auggie you don't look so bad yourself" squawked a socially awkward little thing named Sarah. She calls that a compliment. No wonder she's single and reeking of desperation and Juicy perfume. Her dress was divine...ly ugly. And no sooner did the doors open did Karen Washington and her evil spawn stroll by. What looked like the result of inbreeding raised one of his grubby little hands and pointed as he walked by. "Sweetheart” Karen cooed. “Don't point, I think he's one of those albinos" she unsuccessfully whispers. How awful it must be that she truly doesn't know she's an idiot. Thinking is her Kryptonite. The perfect example of why you should vaccinate your children because stupidity is contagious. "Oh! Karen, You are one of the most devote of saints. Showing mercy and taking in the mentally incapacitated. Bless you, Karen! Bless you!” I said clutching her bony shoulders in my strong palms. “Auggie you are mistaken. Little Jack-Jack here is my own,” she says with concern. “Aww, I had no idea. My apologies for that. Next time try IVF to weed out the unviable seeds. What nature won’t do, science will."

Finally the doors open as I passive aggressively shove the hopelessly single, miserably coupled, and the soon to be guests in Hell's waiting room. I slip into my rightful place of being front and center as Lusty strolls to the pulpit in his fresh Papal whites with a hint of gold. Ah! I love a man who can be modest while still playing his part. Now if only he would give me the time of day but now is when I make myself known in his heavenly gaze. Now at this time in my life, I have almost perfect going to sleep with my eyes open while going unnoticed by humans. Except for the occasional snore, nobody can tell the difference. After all, I am here to get a little buzz from the Eucharist not to absorb these centuries-old lies. But today, I need to make the Pastor notice me. So let the show begin.