Contest #152 winner 🏆

Foretold in Smoke

Submitted into Contest #152 in response to: Set your story in an oracle or a fortune teller’s parlor.... view prompt

143 comments

Drama Fiction Urban Fantasy

Content Warning: Mild foul language


Marie S. 5/5 Stars

Vivienne is incredible! My life has completely changed since my visit. It’s like a light came on and she’s somehow unlocked all this hidden potential. She’s the best, seriously just go. Call today!

Bradley J. 5/5

Worth every penny. Highly recommend.

Kevin R. 5/5 Stars

I never thought I’d come to a place like this, but when I was at an all-time low, I just needed someone to tell me if life was worth sticking around for. I wanted to know if it ever got better. Vivienne made me believe that it would. She told me true love was right in front of me, and now I’m dating my best friend and am the happiest I’ve ever been. She’s the real deal.

Linda K. 5/5

Vivienne showed me the most beautiful future and now I am not afraid to go after my passions. Life changing.


I know your type. You’re all the same. You come to me, seeking something you believe life has withheld from you. Desperation hangs on you like a garment; you wear insecurity like a second skin. You shift and fidget in my doorway, hoping no one will recognize your car in the street and spread the word that you’re seeking wisdom from a godless heathen and her crystal ball. Yet, here you are.

My polished greeting pulls you a few steps closer into the dimly lit room, where you stare at the artwork on the wall, trying to decipher its abstraction. You fumble over a compliment when I admit I painted it myself. Your nose twitches at the cloud of earthy smoke hanging in the stagnant air, and your ear tilts toward the sharp plucking of unfamiliar instruments—music trilling softly from a hidden speaker. The sound is heady, exotic, and makes the hair on your arms rise. The caricaturistic experience you expected is something different—its alive, sacred, and it smells like singed aloeswood.

I sense the conflict within you—to stay or to flee, to grasp hold of your future and drag it into today, or to return to life as normal and submit to the natural process of discovery. You twist and wring your hands, afraid you’re damning yourself, or cursing your bloodline by setting foot in this den of witchcraft, or whatever it is they’re calling it these days. But I am no one to fear; I am a respectable businesswoman. But you must make your own choice, so I remain silent, waiting for you to remember whatever it is that brought you here.

At last, you move. You approach me like I am an oasis in the desert, doubting what you see, but desperately wanting it to be real. You are afraid to ask, afraid of the answers. I sense your struggle; I see your soft heart, your goodness and warmth, your suppressed potential suffocating under self-doubt. You are afraid to know what lies ahead because you have grown comfortable letting life rush by you. It is a river, coursing where it wills, and you are a leaf at its mercy. What I tell you will alter the course of your life, not because the words on my lips drip with inherent power, but because you will believe them. 

You are the river. You are the force that cuts a path through the unknown, that courses where it wills. You are a rush of life, pure and sweet, with the power to shape and form and forge your own future.

My gift to you is no parlor trick, my predictions are not conjecture; I simply tell you what you are, and what to look for, and you will find it every time.

I do not spin the threads of fate, but occasionally, I give the threads a gentle pluck.


***


Jim B. 1/5 Stars

Filing a police report. This woman is a scam artist.


Maurice W. 1/5 Stars

Waste of time and money. Basically told me my life was going to shit. Real downer. And the incense smelled like burnt hair.


Bryson D. 1/5 Stars

This is why I don’t trust hippy-dippy, twinkle-dust, voo-doo garbage. Creepy art, obnoxious music, and some old hag just getting off on telling people how terrible their life is going to be. And no refund policy? Well, f*** you.



I know your type. You’re all the same. You come to me, seeking something you believe life has withheld from you. Arrogance hangs on you like a garment; you wear disdain like a second skin. You burst through my doorway, ignoring the closed sign in the window, insisting you just need a few minutes from this crazy lady and her crystal ball.

Your eyes adjust to the dimly lit room, and you squint at the artwork on the wall. You recoil, unsettled by its abstraction: its unorthodoxy disgusts you, makes you squirm. You cover your nose and cough against the cloud of bitter smoke hanging in the air, swishing your arms like an aggravated primate. The twanging of unfamiliar instruments rises above the silence, warbling from a hidden speaker. The sound is eerie, foreign, and makes goose-flesh ripple across your arms. The stock-image experience you anticipated is something altogether different—it’s alive, sinister, and it smells like fire.

I sense no hesitation within you—you have come to grab the future by its horns and demand it bend and submit to your desires. You are impatient with life’s natural process of discovery and want to know what obstacles lie ahead on the path on which you’re blindly running. There is no fear of the consequences of knowing, no regard for how it will change the now. You want answers, and you will have them. You claim a chair and wait, twisting and wringing your hands impatiently until I join you across the small table.

You watch me like a stray dog you think might bite, your jaw set in defiance against anything you’re prepared to reject. Because you don’t want the truth. You want to be immersed in shimmering nonsense, to stretch out your palm and receive a shiny token of fabricated tales, to be placated by promises of a glowing future. I sense your coldness, your heart of stone, your resentment of everything that stands in your way. What I will tell you is the truth, and the truth will unfold as I tell it—not because I have cursed you, not because I am a she-devil hiding under beads and bangles, but because you are a curse to yourself. And you know it.

You are rot—an infection that will spread across all your days. Everything you touch will wither and die, and you can only blame yourself.

My words are not a hex on your soul, I don’t speak out of malice; I simply show you what you already know.

I do not spin the threads of fate. I have no blade to sever their fibers.

But occasionally, I test the threads and hold a flame beneath the strands to watch and see what burns.

July 02, 2022 02:43

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143 comments

Kanika G
07:40 Jul 11, 2022

This is a wonderful piece of writing and I enjoyed it very much. When I reached the mid point and started reading the second half of the story, I realized that now we get to read the other side and I devoured it. :) Brilliant idea and nicely pulled off. I've never tried writing in the second person, but I enjoyed this so much I might give it a try. A very well deserved win, Aeris!

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Aeris Walker
17:22 Jul 11, 2022

Thank you very much, Kanika! I really appreciate your uplifting feedback 😊

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Rama Shaar
02:47 Jul 11, 2022

Absolutely fabulous! The kind of writing that makes me want to become a better writer. The kind of writing that just flows like water, rendering it easy to read, especially for a slow reader like me. It also made me wonder what kind of a customer I would be. Hopefully not the arrogant type ;-)

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Aeris Walker
21:18 Jul 12, 2022

Thank you Rama for that lovely compliment, I really appreciate it! Arrogant type? Nah, I don’t see it 😉

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Sharon Hancock
01:18 Jul 11, 2022

This is wonderful! Such an interesting format, so engaging. I’ve always thought of fortune tellers/palm readers/tarot cards etc as a sort of projective test…a psychological test where you read into it your own personality and gain insight into yourself that way and this story reflects those thoughts. Very interesting and mysterious voice that I truly enjoyed. Congratulations! Nice job!😻

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Aeris Walker
21:14 Jul 12, 2022

Hi Sharon! Thanks so much!! I look forward to getting a chance to catch up on some of your latest stories too, there’s just so many to read and so little time lol!

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Sharon Hancock
01:10 Jul 13, 2022

No hurry I totally understand! 😻

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Marie Mckenzie
16:38 Jul 10, 2022

I like how you incorporated the reviews, it was a nice touch. Also, I enjoyed the analogies and strong language.

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Aeris Walker
18:52 Jul 10, 2022

Hi Maria! Thank you so much 😊

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Jeannette Miller
15:04 Jul 10, 2022

I like what you've done with the prompt; but I think I'm a loner here when I say it didn't feel like a story but a monologue directed at me instead of the oracle telling me about her clients. I could practically see her finger pointing at me, haha. The descriptive paragraphs were well done and I love how you expressed both types of people who go to the oracle. No doubt you're a solid writer.

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Aeris Walker
18:54 Jul 10, 2022

Yeah, no I can absolutely see that! That’s one of the things I love about this POV is that it’s so direct and really forces you to put yourself in the story. I’m glad it had that effect, and I really appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts :)

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Jeannette Miller
15:37 Jul 11, 2022

You're welcome! :)

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Stacey Jackson
11:53 Jul 09, 2022

What a wonderful story! Congrats on your win. So deserved! Bravo!

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Aeris Walker
18:55 Jul 10, 2022

Thank you so very much 😊

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Tony Coppo
10:51 Jul 09, 2022

Your story grabs from the first reviews and the flip side is haunting. Love the tone of voice and how it speaks. Well deserved win!

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Aeris Walker
11:13 Jul 09, 2022

Thank you so very much, Tony for your kind feedback :)

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Michael Ov
09:03 Jul 09, 2022

Hi Aeris! I've enjoyed you piece. Although the world is "bloody messy" (the artwork on the wall) people still prefer to live in a black and white world (one or five star world). You have found the tasty words to nail an powerless Oracle to a message board. Perfect execution!

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Aeris Walker
11:12 Jul 09, 2022

Hi Michael! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts :) I really appreciate it!

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Okey Boy
01:36 Jul 09, 2022

Insightful. A fresh take.

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Aeris Walker
18:56 Jul 10, 2022

😊 thanks!

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Jay McKenzie
21:09 Jul 08, 2022

Congrats on the win Aeris! Loved this story 🙌

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Aeris Walker
21:25 Jul 08, 2022

And to you on the shortlist! Way to go!! ✨

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K.J. Dyer
20:36 Jul 08, 2022

Simply lovely piece of writing. It held me to the end and made me question my entrance to my soul. I look forward to reading more of your work. Great and simple imagery.

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Aeris Walker
22:39 Jul 08, 2022

Oh, well I’m so pleased that the story impacted you and inspired self reflection 🥴😊 thank you so very much for reading and sharing your feedback! I truly appreciate it.

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T.S.A. Maiven
20:33 Jul 08, 2022

Bravo! I enjoyed the way you set this story up with the comments and the narration. The way you explored two types of fortune telling seekers appealed to me. A very pleasurable read Aeris. Good work.

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Aeris Walker
20:53 Jul 08, 2022

Hi T.S.A! Thank you so much for reading and leaving your kind thoughts. :)

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20:19 Jul 08, 2022

This was beautiful! The mirroring was absolutely brilliant and very well done. I love how you captured the essence of the type of people you were referencing by describing how they reacted to the room. My favorite was the imagery in this line “to grasp ahold of your future and drag it into today.” Great work!

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Aeris Walker
20:27 Jul 08, 2022

Hi, Elizabeth and welcome to Reedsy! Thank you so much for reading and leaving your kind comment, I really appreciate it 😊

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Maham Fatima
19:38 Jul 08, 2022

What a masterpiece! The shift in the narrative caught me off guard. Congrats on the well-deserved win Aeris.

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Aeris Walker
21:57 Jul 08, 2022

Thank you!! :)

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Gladys Morales
19:04 Jul 08, 2022

Oh wow! What an experience! You took me in there, infront of a seer. The first part was so motivating! I took it in. Thank you! Now, on the second part: You are too good, you spooked me! I made sure to read it quickly. I declare that by doing so, I dodged the curse. Still, to be sure, I am going to read the first part again :)

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Aeris Walker
18:57 Jul 10, 2022

Hi Gladys! Haha oh no, hope I didn’t spook you too badly! Thank you for reading and leaving your comment, I greatly appreciate it :)

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Janetra Waters
18:46 Jul 08, 2022

Wow. Wow. Wow. This was absolutely amazing. I loved the way you showed two different experiences. There was so much depth with every sentence, but it wasn’t too much. “ What I tell you will alter the course of your life, not because the words on my lips drip with inherent power, but because you will believe them.” This is probably my favorite line. It’s so beautiful and real. Amazing job.

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Aeris Walker
19:07 Jul 08, 2022

Janetra, Thank you SO much for you super sweet comment. I’m glad that line stood out to you. I think it’s kind of the theme of what I was going for with this story, that real power lies in the life we live and what we believe about ourselves. I so appreciate you taking the time to read and share your thoughts 😊

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Janetra Waters
15:55 Jul 12, 2022

I appreciate you writing this. This was truly a treat to read. ☺️

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Donna X
17:34 Jul 08, 2022

Well written and fun to read. I agree that you get what you're looking for in the fortune parlor of life. It's not didactic, but it does suggest in a kind, subtle way that optimism is healthy. I just returned from a trip to NY where I visited my 80 year old aunt and uncle. Life is difficult for them now. I needed a bit of inspiration, and this story gave me a message to hang in there. So thank you.

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Aeris Walker
19:00 Jul 10, 2022

Hi Donna! I’m so touched that you found inspiration in the story during a hard time. I hope that your optimism and positive outlook on life paves the way for a bright future ;) Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, I truly appreciate it.

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Ronda Tamerlane
15:57 Jul 08, 2022

Excellent story. You stepped away from the traditional story format and that made your story intriguing.

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Aeris Walker
19:00 Jul 10, 2022

Thank you!!

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15:10 Jul 08, 2022

I love how you invoke the senses! Great job!

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Aeris Walker
15:24 Jul 08, 2022

Thank you!! 😊

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Drew Andrews
15:10 Jul 08, 2022

Damn it man .... This was an absolute pleasure. Well done, very well done, bravo and congrats on the win; very well deserved.

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Aeris Walker
15:20 Jul 08, 2022

THANK YOU! I really appreciate that ☺️

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Drew Andrews
15:35 Jul 08, 2022

I'm glad that I did not go with the same theme... Though I would have totally taken the lost to this like a champ. There is a specific line I want to use, of course add my own twist too, if I may. "There is no fear of the consequences of knowing, no regard for how it will change the now. You want answers, and you will have them." More specifically the last line of that. I want to fold it into: Sadly you want answers and you will get them, even if it means stealing them like air stroking the soul of a flame, and you will get them.

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Aeris Walker
15:44 Jul 08, 2022

Have at it, and thanks for asking! I was worried too that this specific prompt would have been just overflowing with great stories, but it was the one that appealed the most to me. I look forward to getting the chance to sit down and read some of your work too!

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Drew Andrews
15:51 Jul 08, 2022

Most of mine currently are just getting pen to paper, puting seeds in soil to see what produces something worth transplanting into richer ground, most are unfortunately unfinished work. My response to this prompt is tittled: DIRECTOR'S CUT. You go to the people whom I follow anyone named Drew Andrews is me. Some more polished snippets are there.

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