For the love of life

I was fourteen when I saw it it shocked me and rocked my world I will never forget how I felt when I saw it. My hands shook and my breathing turned ragged as I ran fro my life I didn't know where my parents were. Though right then that wasn't my main problem I bolted as glass came down on top of my head grazing my neck ever so slightly. I reached my hand back to my neck I pulled my hand back and saw blood now covering my hand.I felt Liquid running down my back but I didn't know if it was my blood or sweat.I ran again hard but everything started to grow dark and I hit the ground with a loud thump. I bolted awake tears in my eyes as my breathing picked up each breath tore through my chest.

"Jack" My boyfriend Ryan said I looked over at him as another sob escaped me I was sixteen now but I still had dreams that haunted me. I still woke up in a panic thinking I was back watching the twin towers fall again. Watching the twin towers take my dad from me another tear escaped me I wiped it away hoping Ryan wouldn't see but he did. He moved closer to me on the bed and cradled me close to his chest kissing my hair and running a soothing hand on my waist. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't that dream always scared me I always thought I was back there and I was in way.

"Ptsd" I remember the therapist saying to me after 9/11 even the slightest noise triggered me I would go out and run making sure that nothing was happening there. I also had insomnia and when I did sleep which was rare I was for me most of the time I had nightmare of that day over and over again.

"Survivors Guilt" The therapist told me the next time I saw her I had just finished telling her about how I felt shame and guilt when I thought of my dad I didn't get why he died and I lived.

"9/11 again baby boy" He said barley above a whisper we both knew the answer though it was always the same dream always ending the same way.

"Yeah 9/11 again" I said biting my lip to keep the sobs escaping from me again.

"I miss him Ryan I want my daddy back." I didn't care that I sounded like a little kid all I wanted right not was my daddy to be back with me. I sobbed and sobbed my throat hurt and my eyes stung but I couldn't stop the sobs from escaping me. Secretly I didn't want to I had always hated crying thought it made me weak but I knew Ryan would never judge me so I let it out. Everything that I had kept bottled up for the past two years finally came out.

"I know you do, I know" Ryan said he tilted my face up and gently planted a kiss on my lips. The kiss was so light ad gentle he treated me like I was glass that would shatter at any moment and I think I might be.

"Why is it that I get to be alive and he doesn't it should have been me not him." I screamed Ryan looked over at me with a stern look on his face.

"Don't you ever say that again" Ryan said his eyes were blazing with a fire I had never seen before.

"You are amazing, smart, beautiful, and perfect It was not your fault he died princess. If your dad was here right now he would say he was happy you lived and you know it. Now I never met the man but how you talk about him I know he would want you happy you mean the world to me baby boy and my heart breaks. With each sob that racks your body if I could I would take all your pain from you and make it mine." Ryan said Ryan was strong he never cried we were opposites he was strong and handsome and into sports. While I was sensitive and ugly and broken I had never seen him cry which is why it shocked me to see he had tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

"I wish it never happened Ryan sometimes I think about what it would be like if 9/11 never happened or if I wasn't there. Though in a way I am grateful to if I hadn't been through 9/11 then we would never have met." I said bringing his hand up to my face and pressing a light kiss to it. Ryan and I had met when he was doing a report on 9/11 survivors he choose to interview me. Ryan came every week for the interview for about a month when the project was over we kept in touch. Until one day Ryan being the love sick puppy he is came to school with a hundred flowers for me and a box of my favorite dark chocolates. That's the day I knew I could never let him go even though after what happened to my dad I was scared. Scared to let people into my heart and get attached because what if something happened and I lose them just like my dad. Ryan helped me see that sometimes the happiness out ways the pain.

"I love you Ryan" I said my lips parted and red from biting them so hard and my eyes shone with unshed tears. Ryan dipped his head down and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips one that made me feel safe and warm.

"I love you to princess" Ryan said as he gently tugged me down on his chest. I looked over at the clock as Ryan breathing became steady it read four thirty in big read letters. I closed my eyes and thought for the first time in two years I feel nothing but happiness.