What A Surprise

What a Surprise

In 1969 my mother and I went house hunting. Back in them days there wasn’t any realtors for people who dwelled on the other side of the train tracks, if you know what I mean. Basically, it was word of mouth or a friend of a friends third cousin who knew who was selling a house. After looking at around 16 homes I was kind of bored with the whole process.

All I wanted was a bedroom of my own.

The house or home or cabin or shack or treehouse or barn or adobe or igloo could have been on the moon as far as I was concerned at 14 years old. It didn’t matter what kind of school I would be attending or if we had to pay for water or sewage.

Then out of the clear blue yonder my mother drove up into a house that looked like a miniature Barbaric castle, minus a moat. It was on 1313 Cemetery Lane. It claimed to have 6 bedrooms and 3 and a half bath. I never really understood what a half a bathroom (a half bath contains a sink and a toilet 3/4 bath has a shower sink and toilet. A full bath has all 3 plus a tub) That’s what the huge for sale sign had on it.

When my fervent mother rang the doorbell, you could hear what sounded like the hounds of Baskerville was inside. A dude that looked and sounded like the butler Lurch on the Adams Family TV show answered the door. I was expecting him to say. You rang. He said, what’s the nature of your business and all negro should use the back entrance. It was 1969 for heaven sakes. I thought that we had overcome. Over come what I wasn’t sure of.

His racist innuendo didn’t affect my mother one bit. One look in her eyes and I knew this was the house of her dreams as we headed for the back entrance. When we finally got there the Butler was standing on the porch holding a musket type shot gun. I say where’s the revolution taking place Paul Revere, (Paul Revere was an American silversmith, engraver, early industrialist, and Patriot in the American Revolution. He is best known for his midnight ride to alert the colonial militia in April 1775 to the approach of British forces before the battles of Lexington and Concord), as my mother tells me to hush my mouth. She boldly states that I’m here to buy this house, so get the hell out of my way and let me talk to the owner.

When my mother wanted something no one or nothing was going to stop her. In that peculiar voice he said, follow me madame.

My mother knew how to talk to the hired hands. She was the CEO of Britt’s Hot Comb Manufacturers. She had over 212 employees.

He took us into the parlor room. (A parlour (or parlor) is a reception room or public space. In medieval Christian Europe, the "outer parlour" was the room where the monks or nuns conducted business with those outside the monastery and the "inner parlour" was used for necessary conversation between resident members. In the English-speaking world of the 18th and 19th century, having a parlour room was evidence of social status). I asked my mother are we going to a seance or something? When I looked into her eyes I knew not to say another word.

This old cryptic lady appears from nowhere, dressed just like Morticia Addams illuminated by a ghostly glow around her eyes, which became most noticeable to me when she was standing in a dim light, dressed in all black like you see old Italian women wearing at a funeral with a brooch that looked exactly like Susan B. Anthony. (Susan B. Anthony was an American social reformer and women's rights activist who played a pivotal role in the women's suffrage movement. Born into a Quaker family committed to social equality, she collected anti-slavery petitions at the age of 17. In 1856, she became the New York state agent for the American Anti-Slavery Society).

I’m sitting hoping not to see her husband Gomez, Uncle Fester, Grandmama, Pugsley, Wednesday and Cousin It. My imagination was running while as the lady of the house introduced herself as Morticia Adamson, asked my mother if she would like a tour of the weird place? If that hand “Thing” would have appeared I would have ran out of that house faster than Speedy Gonzales. (Thing T. Thing, often referred to as just Thing, is a fictional character in The Addams Family series. Thing was originally conceived as a whole creature that was too horrible to see in person. The only part of it that was tolerable was its human hand. The Addams’s called it "Thing" because it was something that could not be identified).

All the time this look alike Morticia  was showing us the place she kept looking at me mysteriously. When we got to the last bedroom down a long corridor. She said that this will be my bedroom. I wanted to say something, but my mother gave me that look again. When I stepped inside I was overwhelmed with a sense of Déjà vu. The lady said this used to be the room of my late son Pugsley or did she say Paul? Now I’m really gonna talk my mother out of buying this haunted house. Just as I turned to tell my mother this revelation. The lady says. I will sale you this house at market value only if you agree to let this evil little boy over there to have this bedroom. My mother says it’s a deal as they shake hands and smile at one another, like they knew something that I didn’t.

When we got back into the car I asked my mother was she really seriously thinking about buying that house? Boy, don’t you know it wasn’t the house I was interested in. It’s the land. 400 acres and a mule boy! You just better be prepared to stay in that scary room. As she laughed in a way that gave me a frightful chill.

We moved into the House on Halloween 1970. Mother had spent over $50,000 on renovation to that old house. New plumbing and wiring and dishwasher and a host of modern conveniences. When I stepped into the place it looked totally different. Until I got to my assigned bedroom. It was just like it was the first time I entered it. I ran down the long spiral staircase to find my mother and asked her why wasn’t my room remodeled like the rest of the house. She floated down upon me and said that she forgot to tell me that at signing over the house to her. Morticia made me agree to not change anything in that room until you agreed for a change. The old lady said that, that room was waiting for you. I say mom you’re scaring me. Then suddenly, she vanished.

Daddy got his man cave and a garage. My twin brothers Billy and Barry finally got a room without me and my complaining self. Grandma and Granddaddy loved the privacy of their room. My little baby sister Doreen and her imaginary friend Lily were so excited to be able to invite Ken and Black Barbie to a black tie affair for a tea party in their room. Everyone was happy but me!

I wasn’t going to sleep in that room even if it meant I had to run away and join the Foreign Legion. Really I told my dramatic self.

On the first night I slept in the spacious living room on that Cabriole sofa that mother brought from Morticia. That sofa was popularized by King Louis XV in the first half of the 1700s.

Everyone came downstairs to breakfast talking about how well they slept in their new bedrooms. My mother said Blane how was your sleep? They all started laughing. Did Charles Lee “Chucky” Ray visit you last night. My mostly unspoken father said. (Chucky is portrayed as a notorious serial killer whose spirit inhabits a "Good Guys" doll and continuously tries to transfer his soul from the doll to a human body). My baby sister said, did you see Pinocchio or his best friend who he accidently killed Jiminy the Cricket last night. Lily said that they left our room about midnight. I slept good last night. Everyone laughed again. What was so strange is that my baby sister never spoke a word ever since I scared her when I jumped out of her closet dressed up like that clown Pennywise. (The character is an ancient cosmic evil which preys upon the children of Derry, Maine, roughly every 27 years, using a variety of powers that include the ability to shapeshift, manipulate, and go unnoticed by adults).

I couldn’t take no more, so I ran up to my room. I didn’t have to slam the door because it automatically closed by itself. I ran back outside from that benighted bedroom, to the big backyard and started swinging on that tire. Shortly, after swinging as high as a kite, my nerves calmed down. What was happening to me? Why was I so afraid of sleeping in that room? Then when I jumped off the swing all I could remember after that is seeing myself answering a phone that rang in that bedroom. The phone rang what seemed like 115 times. I hadn’t even noticed it when we visited that room on the first day. I pick it up and a voice told me to pull the globe on the second shelf. I get out of bed and pull the globe. The entire bookshelf slides open like a door. My first thought is that book The Lion, Witch and Wardrobe.

I remembered when we first came around the house to the back entrance the house looked bigger on the outside than the inside. When I walked a few feet inside the secret passageway. A thousand candles lit giving me better vision then on a sunny day. As I slowly climbed down the mirrored stairs I seen my reflection. I looked just like Top Cat. (Top Cat was a yellow cat who wore a purple hat and vest and was the leader of a gang of street cats. The character was a con artist. His main protagonists were a local police constable and the members of his gang. Since the gang lived on the streets, it was imperative that they were always trying to get food from various people and establishments). It wouldn’t have surprised me that if I ever reached the bottom of the stairs I ran smack dab right into Alice in Wonderland or Mr. McGoo. Suddenly ,that song from the Beatles Hey, Jude could be heard echoing in live surround sound. That wasn’t even invented yet. When I finally reached the bottom of the stairs Charles Manson was waiting for me with that Swastika tattoo on the top of his forehead. Then suddenly Batman and Robin came to the rescue. While the Penguin dropped his umbrella, and everything went up in a cloud of smoke. The only three people I saw when the smoked clear was Yogi Bear, Boo-Boo and Ranger Smith. They were sitting in Jellystone National Park drinking Thunder Bird wine. Casper the ghost holding hands with his ex-girlfriend Wendy who favored the real life Wendy Williams. As I traveled further and further inside that imaginary  passageway it had become evidently clear to me that I was dreaming the whole time. When I woke up the next day in the room I shared with my twin brothers I never wanted to ever have a room by myself. Later that day when my mother got home she said that she brought that remodeled Adamson house on 1313 Cemetery Road.