Plastic Light

Plastic light is a fitting touch for a plastic life. I stared at the flickering fluorescent tubes as the men in poorly fit suits kept questioning me. Their voices played out in muffled drawls. The room is made up of off-white paint, bathroom tiled flooring and sharp corners. My head is still in whiplash, a sequence of events that occurred in less than a day, yet stretched my identity farther than all the previous twenty-four years of my life combined.

“Nathan? Sir!”, one man reached over snapping his fingers, “Let’s get this all straightened out lad, we want to hear your story, we are here for you. Speak what’s on your mind.” Placating gestures to get me to open up. Ironically faux appearances are what compounded this ordeal in the first place. 

“WHAT REASON COULD YOU HAVE FOR BLOWING UP INNOCENT FUCKING LIVES!” the other plain man snapped, his coffee breath wafting. The good cop, bad cop act. I had seen it on tv show’s, I know the schtick and they can’t fool me.

“Calm down Anderson, the lad is obviously still in shock. And, look, Nate, at the end of the day, I believe you were a puppet, a victim as much as any. The real baddie here is Kacy G. Morgan, wouldn’t you also agree, Andy?” the good cop said.

The bad cop’s face remained motionless, laser-focused hatred laying right on me.

It was all theatrics, and my conscious mind will not break the silence. I will not give in to more fake personas. The unconscious side, however, disagreed. Tears streamed down my face and my constant numbness transformed into a confusing wave of hot and cold. Kacy. That name meant million-and-one things to me, and in this moment it is vocalised anger.

“Kacy was an old war-buddy of my late father.” I chewed at my tongue to stop talking but the words kept spilling, “I met him for the first time during my mental breakdown at the funeral. Around that same time next year, he got in contact with me out of the blue. We got a few drinks together, discussed my father and other things. Kept mainly to surface-level conversations. Slowly, for some reason, I started opening up and oversharing a bit too much. About my finances, about my, then two-year, girlfriend who had been cheating on me, and about the failed-to-meet expectations my father had for me. I blame it on the inebriations and his... manipulative charisma.”

“How the fuck do you get from that to this?” the bad cop seethed. He slammed a pile of pictures on the desk and on it cadavers sprawled across the scene of the aftermath of ‘Uncle Jon's Pipe-bomb’.

How did it get to this? That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. A quick introspective look easily reveals the spider’s web Kacy had drawn up for me. Kacy had shown warmth and affection and connection I had been missing for quite some time. He related to me, gave me hope that I am not alien from the world. I was not alien, the rest were aliens, that was the one principle he hammered straight into me.

“You see the hum-drums out there?” Kacy asked me. He was pointing out over the building edge to the city below. We were on the roof because I had another panic attack. He had just introduced me to his other friends, and it was all getting a bit too much. Never had I met a group of people that understood me, and it was quite a nauseating experience. “Constant noise, constant distraction. The people don’t stop feeding themselves to the machine of appearances created by the one-percenters. Nate, when you look at these people down there, do you feel that you belong amongst them? No, Nate, I see it in your eyes. You are alone.” 

“Hoy hoy! Ground control to Nathan!” The good cop waved his hands across me. “Kid please stay focused. We need you.” He shuffled some files my way, placing them on top of the gruesome pictures. “In Kacy’s basement, we found years of intricately noted documents and plans to destroy the Schaffer electric company. We also found him holding substantial stock in competing companies to Schaffer. We believe this to be the leading motive in this disaster. According to your given timelines, you had been working at Schaffer around seven to eight months before meeting him the second time...” He paused to wait for my reaction and just like that realisation hit me like a knock-out punch. A spider’s web made of puppet strings. “Lad, you’ve been getting played.”

My mind was once again drowning me out. My senses devolved and images kept flashing past me. Further and further they went back. My mother abandoned me when I was a child, my sister died of leukaemia, my father by suicide, and lastly Kacy. Why do they keep leaving me?

“This here is Casper, and over here is Jonathon whom you can call ‘Uncle Jon’, Oh! and right here is Maxwell our resident bafoon.” Kacy said as he was pointing to each of his pals. We were in an empty events room. There were chairs stacked on top of one another against the walls, a red discoloured carpet laid in uneven patterns across the floor, a haze of dust, and an annoying plastic light in constant luminescence everywhere.

After the pleasantries, Kacy opened up a huge wardrobe at the far opposite end of the entrance, waving me to come closer. “In this huge lightbulb of a world, it is funny to think that no one really sees you. Don’t you find that funny Nate?” He was getting angrier and more passionate as he spoke. “Everybody keeps leaving and disappointing us. That we are no more than physical pieces of meat. Let us give the people some forced time to self-reflect!” Kacy stepped aside for me to see maps and notes of the plans in the wardrobe. Power stations and cell towers were highlighted. “Let us remove the distractions that deprive us of human connection.”

The good cop knocked on the metallic table and asked, “Do you see how he has wronged you?”

“I...No...He’s an asshole for sure, but...but he understood me, my need..for connections,” I said. My words slurred and slipped over one another. I was very hyper-aware of how much I was sweating and my elevated heart rate. I was hyper-aware of how foolish I sounded amongst this all. Even though I was aware, and my thoughts clear, it seemed like someone else was inside me, acting on my behalf. I tried to calm myself, focus entirely on breathing. 

“He understood the blight of the modern era,” I continued, “That we let our lives be driven by advertising and cheap entertainment. That we lack basic human connection. We see it all the time, these corporations persuade that we are missing something, then sell it back. We see people stretched and deformed over their phones in a constant need for approval. There is no love left in this world.”

I was hoping for more of a response, but both cops stayed adamantly silent.

“KACY SHOWED ME THE LIGHT, THE TRUTH!”, I was shaking and the words coming out of my mouth I could not believe let alone sell.

Again my mind slipped. Where was I again? I was in the back of a van. Casper and Maxwell were sat around me, Kacy driving and Jonathon was also in the front. The world was moving slow and fast at the same time. All our legs were shaking and we were all very fidgety. Today was the day. 

Now we were outside by the first power station. Were we not in the van just a second ago? Jonathon took out some of his home-made bombs from his knap-sack, setting a timer and placing them in what seemed to be important electrical doo-dads. I didn’t really understand the technicalities, all I had to do was use my pass to gain access and keep on watch. I trust them, they are my friends.

We were now at the third and last power station. Everything was going smoothly, but then came two security guards into the room we were in. I froze up, soo many thoughts coming in that my systems just fried. However, without hesitation, Kacy shot both in quick swift succession. Military precision. “What are you standing around for? Let’s get this done and over with!” Kacy yelled at us. 

Jon placed the last pipe-bomb and signalled us all to head out. Loud deep echoes could be heard as Maxwell was arguing with Kacy somewhere by the exit. Suddenly another gunshot went off, the walls screamed and my sight rattled in the moon-lit dark. 

Maxwell’s body was found by the door and Kacy was nowhere to be found. Casper and Jon kicked at the door incessantly but not a single inch budged. We were locked in with the explosives. Where are you, Kacy?

“All right I can see that you are very tired.” The good cop tugged at my shoulder, I could see he was tired as well. “You all got caught, but Kacy is off missing. He left you all to die, and by a sliver of mechanical faults, you are still all in one piece. It was providence my friend, an opportunity to get back at the man who wronged you. So if you know anything, ANYTHING, at all about where Kacy could be, you have to give it to us lad.”

My mind was drawing blanks. For the next hour or so I just remained quiet. Not out of dedication or loyalty for Kacy, but wholly on the fact that... I know nothing about him.

“Fuck me sideways. Fanatical extremist actions are taken for what? Empty fucking platitudes? All this by morons led by a cracked vet? You all are fucking scum, rot in jail.” The bad cop hissed. He pushed his chair away and briskly walked out with fierce momentum.

The good cop dropped the act and also walked out. No further words said. Frustration, anger, and disappointment were strewn across him.

They left me to stare at the two-way mirror. Was that me? I can see wrinkles that I swear was never there, and my hairline has receded quite a bit. There are bags under my glassy eyes and my skin was too taut against my bone. Is that still me?

That night is seared into my soul. Jon and Casper kept knocking and shouting at the door, but I was unnervingly calm. I stared out of the clerestory window, the moon was in full view and the city landscapes were filled with shimmering lights. Warm lights danced and paraded. Perhaps if I had opened my heart I too could be amongst the light.

Jon failed to disarm, so we all just sat on the floor, eyes averted from one another as we accept the predestined course. 

Three seconds till detonation.

Two seconds...

One second...

Low rumblings were heard all around us. It was an out-of-body experience. Is this what it feels like to explode? No.. we were still alive. Why? I looked out the narrow windows again, the glass was cracked and shattered from our attempts to squeeze out. The lights of the city hastily whizzed away, and as they went the stars came. I think that one is Orion's belt.

I’m back in the interrogation room. Why does my mind keep slipping? 

I could see my reflection melting away. Skin, eyes, bones, blood, everything disappeared.

There was nothing staring back at me anymore. The plastic lights got brighter and brighter.

All I see is the plastic lights.