Here’s some Alien Nation fanfiction… Just you try and judge me!

“So I caught my wife with a younger man the other day, I say the other day because I don’t rewrite my jokes until my cue-cards get dusty.”

“And I say, ‘congrats, I assume you got that promotion. She of course doesn’t respond beyond nodding because to my surprise she’s riding, like, well, like some kinda, cowgirl? Is that the right word?”

“And I go, ‘honey, I thought we had an agreement about erotic-acrobatics.’ Hon, it’s a’ you me thing! What the hell?”

“And she’s holding out on me because again, preoccupied.”

“Silence, perfect. Just how I like an audience stunned to confusion.”

“That’s alright, most of you don’t know the intricacies of alien relationships.”

“You know Catholics? That creepy little stereotype about their priests, you know the one, the one that’s bullshit?”

“Yeah, well some of you are quiet cause you remember that its true for us. And you weren’t about to be riled up because of little old me. How could your wife do that to you? Also, why are you being crass about your presumably ex-wife?”

“I think it might be easier to say that it takes three to tango.”

“That’s what the rest of you who aren’t disgusted are thinking. Right?”

“That’s alright. Lets get on with it, well she’s having a high old time and she finally gets on to making eye contact with me and she beckons because what else are you gonna do?”

“Which, yeah, fine old thing. I knew that babies were on the table that year, but I really wasn’t expecting to see her like that. Which why not? We’re not all conservatives. Still I’m embarrassed and he the binnaum well, you know how this works already.”

“Anyway, all’s well and good. Once we’re all done. And I come out to see him making tea, and helping himself to our left-over pancreas and sour cream, which good choice I might add, and we end up eating that in my kitchen. I can still see his dong.”

“Which, nice. This was a weirdly domestic thing to do with a guy I was only gonna see at my kids birthday parties, and maybe like that Again if we kept in touch, and I’m just. Good lord was this very strange for me.”

“Anyway, we end up talking about things. You know how it is? When your talking things out with your wife’s catalyzer and contemplating your routine. How did we manage to be like this?”

“Why does this feel weird?”

“Good lord why was this so much? I left out that last part, but I figure, the common idea of our time is, Binnaums are cloistered. They gotta cloister, it’s the long-lines and the vail, pierce it you know?”

“Obviously he knows too, but it’s still too long a path for me to ask, ‘so is it always like this with your clients?’ and you know what he says?”

“Sure, why not?”

“That was unexpected for some reason, and well, Reformists are a way you know. They might try to keep clean, but sometimes they play. Well, that’s the thing, a lot of Binnaums played before, but well.”

“Look, it was very different on Gruza. You had Binnaums who played, sure, can’t have everyone be a spiritual masterwork, and really, it’s kinda weird to get out the procession whenever the slaves need to repopulate.”

“So this, this should not have felt weird. Except it was. It really was. So I say it, ‘I was not expecting that, I didn’t know you guys did anything more complicated than missionary.”

“And do you know what he said?”

“I know that the acrobatics are a bit silly, but I find that the alternative is a bit silly with a woman.”

“I just about died right there.”

“You may or may not be offended by this, but a little bit of Queerness is a pretty rare thing to be completely ignorant to if your Tenctonese. Now I’m not that guy who’ll pretend that we’d have any excuse to be weird about that. But it was supremely strange for me because, while I do have some experiences, I was pretty sure I’d aged out of that kind of curiosity.”

“But good lord I hadn’t, and oh fuck, he knows, and oh no, my wife is going to be so weirded out.”

“I mean it’s one thing to go for it, it’s another thing to go for it when your married.”

“So I end up snogging a Binnaum post-coitally over Sour-cream and at that point pork rinds.”

“This is all a silly way of saying, I’m the father of three and I’m very happy to see this guy three times a year, even if my wife still spanks me over it.”

“I’m being honest, kiss the catalyzer if he wants to, it’s really the best reason to lose your figure.”

“I’ve eaten so much surprise beaver since. It was completely worth it.”

“So, now that that’s over I’ve been on and off thinking about how to actually make a good show. This is not it. Yeah your laughing.”

“But I’ve not said-”

“I’ve been led to understand that you are all adults. And I’ll assume you’re interested in the live entertainment. See that’s, that’s very hard for me to think about.”

“You see, this isn’t my day job. If you’re looking at my belly you can go ahead and assume that I eat for a living. Or that I’m just that comfortable as a person.”

“Don’t take it too personally, I am, and really I’ve been told this is a pretty good look on me. I’m not sure why though, I mean you’d think that a decade on earth would change the mood of a fairly flexible gene pool, but it really hasn’t.”

“At least for Celinists.”

“But I’d argue that the prickly nature of some folks helped with that, assimilation is a two-way street, and really it just sucks that me and mine are still such a rumor. And that’s it for very special episodes.”

“You weren’t here for that, but it is imperative that you understand, Cheating is Wrong.”

“Even if you got free beaver over it.”