Free House

"Uh..." Jeremy paused. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Bees? How many?" he wondered in light shock. He'd never even met his great aunt, Sheryl, but he was beginning to think that was somewhat of a godsend.

Jeremy and his sister, Jordan, were each left with a furnished house and $17,000. None of the rest of the family were contacted. Not their older brother, not their parents, not even their grandparents, who had apparently still been in contact with her. They made her sound so nice, too, talking about how she always checked on them, and baked for them, and all kinds of other small things that added up to a decent picture.

The woman they described would never make anyone do... Jeremy still couldn't wrap his head around the ungodly post-mortem demands of his great aunt. There wasn't even a note attached. No message to anyone. Just the inheritance and the conditions.

They were each given separate conditions for their inheritance. Jordan had something simple...ish. She had to go to California(from Skokie, Illinois) and burn down a redwood tree. Definitely a crime, but for a house... Maybe worth it. Jordan had it easy, at least comparatively speaking.

Jeremy didn't know if Sheryl hated him somehow, or if she was a sadist, or if she just thought nobody would see her will, but the condition for Jeremy's inheritance was cruel.

"I..... I'll... do it," he said.

The next morning, Jeremy got out of bed afraid. The whole thing had to be on camera, too, for legal reasons. He got dressed, brushed his teeth, and took a deep breath. Then the cameras started rolling. Jeremy looked at the list.

"1. My nap is your breakfast. Cook some cheap ramen without the broth, and instead of pouring the water, mix it with instant mashed potato flakes and cinnamon."

"This part is gross, but at least it's easy," he reminded himself as he placed the pan on the stove. He started to pull his phone out to play some music while he waited, but stopped abruptly, as he remembered it was against Sheryl's rules.

It didn't look too bad when he stirred in the potato flakes, but his optimism waned very quickly when he added the cinnamon, and the first bite verified his concerns. His gag reflex kicked into high gear. The cinnamon tickled his throat, choking him, and the texture was like a dry avocado full of maggots.

"Don't puke, dammit." Jeremy forced himself, grudgingly, to hold down the slimy mess in his throat. "Free house." Bite after bite it got worse, and the longer noodles felt like they were moving. "Free house." It was on the level of a dumb internet challenge, yet it was already almost unbearable. It was going to be a long day for Jeremy.

Ten o'clock a.m. It was time for number two on the list.

"2. Pick your three most expensive pieces of furniture and burn them in the front yard. They're mine now. Deal with it."

Jeremy was almost relieved. Losing furniture sucks, but after what he'd just put his body through, anything was better than more culinary terrorism. He was still paying off his mattress, but it was by far the most expensive on the list. "The seventeen grand will cover it. I mean, fourteen-thousand dollars is still a lot of money." Next was the couch. And then maybe the bookshelf. A small price to pay, in his mind. At the same time, it was now too late to go back. Eat some gross food, you'll live, but destroy your bed? That's a couple months' rent worth of trouble.

"3. Find a beehive. Preferably multiple. Strip and cover yourself in honey. Walk home covered in bees. You're allowed to take the bus, but good luck with that."

Jeremy is allergic to bees. But not wasps. He talked to the lawyers in advance and they okayed it. "Wasps. WASPS! At least I'm not risking death, but like..." He cringed and shivered at the thought. Aunt Sheryl sort of gave him an advantage. The nearest beekeeper was out of town, but the nearest big wasp nest? Ten blocks. Ten blocks, naked, covered in wasps. "Free house." The line was less reassuring every time he made himself think it. But this had to be done. It had to. Working two jobs to pay bills, coming home exhausted to a closet-sized studio apartment. A free house was an easy out. Or at least it felt that way.

Jeremy filled up an inflatable dog pool near his front door to prepare, and left a note telling his neighbors not to move it. Then the ambulance came, and two paramedics got ready on standby. Four o'clock. Game time. He went to the bus stop and steeled himself. Or tried to. He was nervous. Sweating hard. His old high-school backpack, full of honey, was dangling over his shoulder.

"No going back now."

The bus screeched to a stop in front of the bench. Jeremy could already feel his adrenaline start to kick in. "None of this is okay," he thought in vain. The first block passed, and his heartbeat sped up with the bus. The third block passed, and his arms and legs were already sticky with sweat. The eighth block passed, and his blood ran cold.

"Almost there. Almost there. I'm doing this for a free house. And a lot of money. Just this one thing and then I can just put this behind me." Despite trying to ease his mind, he started to feel dizzy. The heat, the stress, and that godawful breakfast were making him nauseous. As the bus pulled up to his stop, it dawned on him how truly unprepared he was for the final challenge.

He stepped off of the bus, and gave a long, worried look at the abandoned house. A massive wasp nest covered an entire side of the house. They were already buzzing around him. So many wasps. Too many wasps. Petrified, Jeremy began to remove his shirt.

And then he woke up in the emergency room. His entire right side, from the bottom of his ribcage to his ankle, was swollen and in blaring pain.

A nurse and one of Aunt Sheryl's lawyers entered the room. Jeremy had a severe heart attack after multiple wasps had stung him while he was undressing. The lawyer explained that after his recovery, he could make another attempt... But only if he restarted from the first item on the list.