Attention All Students

Attention all students, this is Principal Zaid speaking. I’m making this announcement to confirm that one of your peers, Steven Hall in class 8a, has passed away due to the situation that took place earlier today. I want you to know that we are doing everything in our power to find out how this happened so it will never be repeated. I understand this is a rough time for you all and if you need to talk about it or help sort your feelings, please see the school’s guidance counselor.

Attention all students, this is Principal Zaid speaking again. I would like to let you all know that we, as in the school administration, will not be explaining or discussing to the student population what had taken place with Steven Hall, as that is a need-to-know basis only. It’s like you kids say, ‘If you know, you know.’ I didn’t think I had to say this, but I will clarify Steven Hall did not kill himself by tying helium balloons around his neck until he had enough balloons that they lifted him into the air so he could hang himself while flying. Steven also didn’t die by slipping and falling into the school pool with an electric fly swatter and electrocuting himself. The school lifeguard was on duty all yesterday, and the footage missing from the security cameras is no indication of foul play, rather just a computer glitch. Lunch today is Taco Salad.

Attention all students, as a reminder, Steven Hall’s wake will be tonight after school at six o’clock. Please make sure you leave the wake promptly at eight o’clock, as the cremation technician will be receiving his body then. There will be a reception at Louie’s Pizza and Shrimp afterwards. 

Attention all students, there is a vicious rumor surrounding Steven Hall’s death that some of you may have stayed pass eight o’clock at the wake and followed the cremation technician to the cremation facility where you ended up overseeing the technician disposing of Steven Hall’s remains. There have also been claims that the technician went through Steven Hall’s ashes and collected his teeth so he could put the teeth under his pillow and get money from the Tooth Fairy. These claims are false, and the Tooth Fairy is not real. I will set the record straight and would like to specifically clarify that this technician didn’t collect those teeth, nor did they donate the proceeds to the school to help fund the Art department, nor is my new car an indication that I was paid off by the Tooth Fairy. On a somewhat related note, oral hygiene is very important, remember to brush your teeth tonight. 

Attention all students, just because myself and the cremation technician have never been in the same room together and that I may bare a passing resemblance to the cremation technician if you squint your eyes, does not mean I am that cremation technician. Not that it is necessary I tell you this, I’m sure you wouldn’t believe such an outlandish claim. The cremation technician has a very thick mustache and glasses, we look nothing alike. In other news, the school theater club is holding tryouts for “Fiddler on the Roof” after school today.

Attention all students, some of you have come to my office to complain about finding a long black hair intertwined within your toothbrush bristles as a vague ominous threat from the Tooth Fairy because you are getting too close to knowing the truth and you should back off while you are still alive. I would like to reiterate, there is no such thing as a Tooth Fairy, and if there was a Tooth Fairy, they would not be part of a motorcycle gang. I would like to encourage your active imaginations, but things are getting out of hand now. Susie Smith, Kevin Jenson, and Daniel McDonnell, please report to the principal’s office after school.

Attention all students, I have not, nor will I ever, have my nipples dipped in crunchy peanut butter. That is all.

Attention all students, Susie Smith, Kevin Jenson, and Daniel McDonnell are not missing, and their teeth are all intact. The trio is safe at their homes with their families. I would like to clear up that they were suspended due to spreading rumors and were not killed because they got too close to the truth. I was also not seen out chucking their corpses by the old, abandoned quarry.

Attention all students, please stop putting your baby teeth in the donation box.

Attention all students, stop trying to get me arrested by telling the police I killed those children and that I also replaced all the fire extinguishers in the school with fire ants. Until we learn more, please do not attempt to use a fire extinguisher, as it could just be thousands of ants packed together to just look like a fire extinguisher.

Attention all students, this is your principal speaking. I did not replace all the fire extinguishers with fire ants and try to burn down the school to get rid of the evidence of Steven Hall’s death. I also did not try to burn the school down for insurance money, I wouldn’t be the one who would receive the money, this building is owned by the state. And again, I don’t think I need to say this, I am not the cremation technician, and I didn’t try to burn down the school with all you in it for one last ‘big score of teeth’ so I could get out of the game for good. This besmirchment must end.

Attention all students, this is Officer Johnson. School will be canceled today to investigate the apparent suicide of Principal Zaid. I would like to clarify some incorrect information that has been spreading. Before the the principal killed himself, he did not say, "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dog". He also didn't say, "You'll never catch me, coppers!" in a cowboy accent before he committed suicide. He also didn't have a drawer of teeth in his office where he kept his ‘trophies’ of his kills. The drawer was located at this house in the basement, so don’t believe everything you’ve heard.  That is all.