If I Could Go Back To The Day You Left

'Mama if not for you whose others loving arms would I fall into.'

Today is mama's birthday,

would have been mama's birthday.

today I decided to return to the house of my childhood, the house of regrets. I don't know exactly why I want to go back, maybe I just want a reminder of the love I once had, maybe I want the ice around my heart to be warmed by regret. I want to remember what it feels like to have a heart that is not made of stone.

if only I could go back and flip the way things turned out, the way I turned out, id make sure to show my heart openly to my mama to show her the marks of my love engraved in my heart for her.

if only I could go back to that night, the night that caused it.

Mama was sitting at the dinner table, her back facing me, she had her head on her knees and her arms around her. she was sobbing and I didn't care, because I was mad, I was also hurt, very hurt.

that was the night dad left, and I blamed her, I blamed her for not trying harder, I blamed her for having a job. a job that dad dint have, a job that made dad jealous. and I was hurt because I loved him, I was hurt because he couldn't love me enough. and I blamed her.

I banged into the room my fingers forming fists, she looked up and as I remember the memory of her face my heart shatters all over, her eyes were red-rimmed, the color of desperation, desperation for comfort. her face was bright pink the color of lost hope. she looked at me as if looking for support as if finally needing the hugs she gave so willingly. and I, I was the epitome of selfishness I started yelling immediately and I didn't care when I saw the hope leave her body when I saw her world crash through the glass of her eyes.

she stood up then, her legs shaking underneath her, her eyes filling up, I'd never seen my mother so disoriented in my life and it sent a twinge through my heart, a twinge I ignored and then she spoke,

her voice was shaky when she said " not you, not you to" she was shaking her head her tears falling faster on her soft pink shirt, then she ran, she grabbed her keys and left.

......

As I approach what used to be our house my heart twists in my chest, I'd forgotten it could do that, the house looks exactly like it should, an abandoned house falling apart at the edges, remains of yellow paint peeling apart to reveal brown walls, weeds of all sizes growing together in the garden.

it is just an abandoned house for you, but my heart sings at the sight of it, happiness filling every inch of my body, my muscles pump with longing and I run towards it, I run without thinking I run without conscience, without remembering, I run because I want to smell the smell of love again and my mama is in there, she is waiting for me, she'll wonder why my hair is not combed but I don't care I just want to look at her again, I want to look at her whether she smiles or frowns I don't care I just want to look at her, even if that means I could never stop looking.

I run across the uneven stony path, mama is in there with warm food for me, she is waiting to hold me close and chase my worries away she is there and being with her is being in the place where bad things don't follow, where the world doesn't force me to grow up, where I can laugh and joke and cry towards the unjudging love of my mother.

I burst through the doors with the biggest smile on my face my arms open wide my eyes searching for her

I almost shout "mama I'm home!"

but I can't, I can't because the house of my childhood is dark and cold there's nothing close to love in here, the air is damp with loneliness, the room painted with color in my mind, is dark so dark it scorches my eyes. this is the house left for spiders and rats, this is not the house of my mother.

I feel it as reality stabs its blades back into me, and I cannot hold it anymore, my body crushes in on itself and I cry out in physical pain, my vision has gone blurry as I stand in the place my mother once did, my memories do me no justice, my longing is unbearable for my chest. I crumple to the ground, my agony is an earthquake in my bones and I cry out, my body shaking with unstoppable sobs. the absence of her presence never so clear to me until now, now as I realize that the one person always there to pick me up is no longer around, and I've never been so broken.

.......

I walk into the house as silently as I can, I've never felt as hurt as I do right now. today my husband left me.

I walk silently, my daughter might be sleeping.

I walk into the kitchen and turn on the light, immediately the kitchen is shinning too bright gold. the walls are caving in on me, I cant handle it, the kitchen is spinning all around. I make my way to the kitchen table slowly and collapse on the chair. today the world seems to be dumped on my shoulder and its burden pains my soul. I let my forehead rest on the table, my body is emanating grief but I've got no tears left to cry, I've got regret as I think about what my daughter, Nina, said to me, she said he left because of me. and I wonder if that's true. I knew the moment he started getting jealous, he won't look at me in the eye when I talked about my job, he wouldn't take me to work anymore and when I asked why he'd just grunt and move away from where we were. but I couldn't quit, it was true I was getting paid more then him but we needed that money, Nina needed a decent education, towards the end he got worse, he got more aggressive he won't listen to anything I had to say, he'd push me roughly aside whenever I was walking beside him or in front of him. I let my eyes travel to the stain on the wall, its a food stain, cream and tomato can be seen.

the food stain was caused today. I wish I didn't try to repair the problems between us, I wish I dint. but I did, I made his favorite spaghetti bolognese and then I set the table and lit some candles, I was still making the salad when he entered into the kitchen when I heard his footsteps I quickly turned around a loving smile on my face he was holding an envelope in his hands and his features were hardened with hate. my heart rate quickened up as I realized this can't be good. he took one step towards me and then violently flung the envelope at my feet

" your paycheck" he spat at me, then he made his way towards the back door ripping his jacket from the rack on his way out.

I ran after him

" whee... where are you going" I had approached him at that point my heart was beating with fear but I still said

"I, I made your favorite spaghetti" I had tried to hold his hand, but he turned so violently, he heads towards the table and heaved the whole thing towards the wall, the platters crashed, the candles died and there were spaghetti and meatballs everywhere.

he faced me again he yelled he said horrible stuff, and I was shocked I was rooted to the spot and then he said it.

he said " we're getting a divorce!" and then he was out.

I clutched at my heart, it was paining me.

that's when I saw Nina in the cracks of the door. she entered the kitchen and I almost walked towards her my hands opening for a hug. but she ran. she ran after him.

my head feels heavy with my thoughts and I can’t hold it anymore, I grab my keys for the second time this evening, I need to feel the breeze in my hair, its one of the reasons I love driving at night, I love to let the breeze take away my worries and leave me at peace. I want to be at peace right now, at peace with my thoughts.

......

after what feels like centuries I straighten my head, my eyes searching the dark corners of the house begging them to please reveal my mama again. I need to say I'm sorry.

I stand up very slowly and turn towards the door I can't stand a moment in this house, I take slow painful steps with each step I keep praying, praying for a miracle.

doesnt the world realize I will do anything to see my mother smile at me again, to feel her warm arms around my back, to tell her I’m sorry, to tell her I’ve never loved anyone the same again, that spot in my heart engraved mama has never been taken by anyone again.

its a gloomy sky outside as if the skies understood my thoughts, but even though it looks hope less, I look up and I take a deep breath. my mother did so much for me, and I have to try being a better person for her, starting today.

i walk towards my car a strange new purpose in my heart, maybe coming back home actually helped me a little. I look up to the sky and i smile a little

“I’m sorry mama, but we’ll meet again, and I’m going to make sure you say ‘I’m proud of you’”

I enter my car and start driving off in a hurry, I have a lot of things to do because for the first time in years I have a life again.