My Permanent Speculation

I wear a pair of jeans, a denim blue fabric which hugs my ankles. A black turtle neck wraps around my figure and my blonde hair is pulled back with a few strands left in front of my brown eyes. I adjust the fake glasses upon my nose, staring in the mirror taking in my authentic style.

No, no, no. I can’t be late again.

I float back to reality, hearing my father’s voice booming in my head. He stumbles down the stairs clumsily, a stressful expression on his face. “Hey sweetie,” he smiles without true emotion. “I’m going to be late, I have to leave now. I’ll see you after school.”

I mimic his smile, not really happy about his quick exit. Well, I never really am happy. Everyone who gets slightly close to me, they think the wrong thing and I am right back to where I started. All I have is my dad, and ever since my mother died, I have been losing him too. He is always so sad, and he struggles to hide it. My supernatural ability doesn’t help with his struggle either.

I sit at the breakfast bar, solemnly staring at the fruit laying in its basket. I grab an orange and peel it slowly, focusing in on the variety of quiet voices in my head. 

That is the hottest man I have ever seen.

I am going to fail the exam today.

Some are careless, stupid thoughts that do not really matter. But others are worse, when hidden lies and scandals are found behind the thought.

My wife knows, she knows I cheated on her with her friend.

I just ruined that poor man’s life, and he doesn’t even know yet. Ha!

When I finally zone back in, I see an empty orange peel and an unfriendly time on the clock. Whenever I lose focus, I can spend long minutes or even hours in my alternate universe. The time reads 8:51 in the morning, and school starts at nine. I rushed out of the door, slinging my bag over my shoulder and heading to my car. I drove to school in five minutes and made it to class on time, luckily. 

Taylor looks good today.

Imagine being a spoiled brat like Taylor Black.

I heard it all, well, maybe not all, but a lot. A superpower, a weakness, telepathy had its benefits and costs. 

Class flies by, the casual thoughts of students and teachers fill my mind as I fight to keep them from cluttering my focus. I take notes, but nothing can stop my regular disociating episodes during long lessons. The teachers are aware, not of my unnatural ability, but of my inability to keep focus for long periods of time. They were just told I have ADHD, which I probably do.

I go to the cafeteria and head to my normal seat at the back entrance. I eat alone, as always, and listen, what I do best.

She’s so lonely, I wonder why.

What an unbelievably pretty freak.

I plug in earbuds, as if that would help, and try to zone out from the thoughts.

It’s so sad that her mother died.

Maybe she will die, just like her mother.

My eyebrows furrow as I listen in closely to the annoying voice in my head. I don’t even know the person, and he doesn’t know me. Yet, he has a bucket load of thoughts dedicated to me.

No one cares about her, obviously. She should just kill herself, settle her evident pain.

My heart ached, I had never heard that one before. The bell rang, but I didn’t go to class. In fact, I didn’t move at all until the custodian came over and tapped me on the shoulder calmly. She didn’t have to say anything, I could hear her concern and see it in her eyes. I just nodded, got up, and left the school early.

My drive home was reckless, luckily no one was really on the road. I couldn’t control my emotions, which were all over the place. But, for once, I couldn’t hear anyone else’s thoughts, just my own. But at the moment, I was in need of a distraction from my consciousness. 

When I got to my house, I hustled inside. I sat at the kitchen counter, slouching my head in my hands which laid on the countertop. I sat there in silence and debated my next move, a dangerous and life-changing move.

After half an hour of deliberate fights in my separated mind, I got up and went to the medication cabinet. I took the half full bottle of Advil, a life saver when my power brought on tremendous headaches. I stared at it in my hand, finally hearing others’ thoughts again.

I swear to god, I am going to quit my job.

This house is beautiful. I wish I could afford something like it.

That was in front of my house, I could tell because of how much louder the voice was compared to the rest. The sad part was that it proved students’ thoughts correct, I had a wonderful life, house, clothes, car. I was a spoiled brat, but only from the eye. I wish someone could read my thoughts and understand my pain, and maybe help. 

But that wasn’t reality, and it never would be. And so, I finally made my decision. I opened a cabinet to grab a tall glass cup. I filled it with room temperature water and went to the bathroom, bringing two objects with me.

I sat on the floor and placed the objects in front of me, the glass of water and container of Advil. I sat for another five minutes, and once I was tired of waiting, I opened and emptied the bottle in my hand.

I stared at the pinkish pills in my hand, there had to be about twenty. I took two first, to clear my headache, and then waited for the right moment.

This dog is so cute.

I should go grocery shopping.

I don’t know what I would do without Taylor.

My father’s loud voice appeared in my head, and then he barged into the unlocked bathroom clumsily. He widened his eyes in surprise at the sight of my anxious form. He quickly came over and wiped the pills out of my hand. They hit the floor and sprawled out on the bathroom tiles.

I instantly started crying, and he took me into his arms gracefully. I could feel wet droplets hit my shoulder, and I knew my father was crying along with me.

“I need you,” he sobbed. “I need you alive, because you are all I have left.”

The day, I realized my superpower had saved my life, and I was grateful.

I love you, Taylor.