Can't Fool Me Twice

It’s the most horrible day of the year. April Fools’ Day. I have hated this day since I was young.

I grew up with two older brothers who schemed to constantly make me miserable. The first day of the month of April was their free-for-all. It was a day where they could do the absolute most to drive me nuts and mom and dad would do basically nothing to scold them because it was “all in good fun.” For who? I ask. Not for me. It’s clear who the least favorite child was here. Always in last place after those couple of juvenile delinquents. As I grew older I would do all that I could to stay in my room and away from them as much as possible on this day.

I’m 25 now and moved away from home quite a while ago, but the memories never left me. Now I live with two roommates in Chicago, Stan and Jackson. Good guys, but no one is to be trusted on a day like this.  

I woke up early like I do every day before work. I like to fit in a run before I go to the office. Before swinging my feet over the side of the bed, I look down to inspect the floor. No collection of marbles. I look closer, no glitter. I reach down and run my hand over the floor, no glue – I’m safe. Believe it or not, the worst out of the three of those is the glitter. That stuff TRULY never comes off. The last time I endured the step in a pile of glitter prank I was 15, and I swear, 10 years later I still sometimes see a sparkle on my big toes. Say what you will, some pranks never leave you.

I get to the bedroom door and check above it before swinging it open all the way. All clear for paint cans or buckets of water. Having a cold bucket of water land on the top of your head when you really have to pee in the morning is the worst feeling in the world. Don’t try it, just trust me.

I bend down again to inspect the screws on my door handle. No handles will be falling apart in my hands today. No sir, this is a master you are messing with.

I open the door and stick my head out into the hallway, quickly looking both ways. Many a time I have believed myself to be safe only to run into an air horn in the hallway accompanied by “April Fools’ SUCKER!” I personally don’t view that as humor, it’s just disruptive.

I rush through the hallway into the bathroom, do a quick check of the knobs and the top of the door and shut and lock it. Phew. Phase one of the day complete. It’s a lot of work to be this attentive on a day like this, but it’s worth it.

I wave my hand in the inside of the toilet bowl before performing my morning duties. Talk about disruptive, have you ever tried to perform your morning duties only to discover saran wrap on the toilet bowl? Rude and disgusting, I identify this as one of the more juvenile pranks. Hygiene and cleanliness should be of the utmost importance to all, even those ridiculous prankers.

Next up, check the toothbrush, toothpaste and mouth wash. Never assume anything is safe, that would be your first, biggest mistake of this treacherous day. I begin by inspecting the toothbrush handle slowly, yet another place for glue (super glue in my experience). Once I’m satisfied it’s safe, I pick it up and spread the bristles with my fingers, and they are dry. Next step is to taste a small bit of the toothpaste and the mouth wash. Tamper free again! I brush and gargle in silence, racking my brain on what could be next. People don’t just forget about this day, I know that my attentiveness will pay off. I just have to get through the day and I will be able to relax again tomorrow.

I walk back into my bedroom to get changed for my run. I slowly open my dresser drawer, no loosened screws and no “snakes” pop out. That’s good, I really didn’t have the energy to reassemble my dresser. I’m not even sure how I put it together in the first place. I’m pretty sure at least a few things are wrong (I didn’t really consult the directions).

I change for my run and rush out of the apartment before anyone can catch me. It’s typically safer out in the eye of the public. The less people in the area that know you, the less people there are to focus on you as a target. The best way to stay safe on this day is to live alone, let no one in your home the night before, lock your door, call in sick and stay in for the entire day. If this is not an option, your second best option is to stay in the public eye as much as possible. Being in close proximity to those that “love and care about you” is dangerous. They are the most likely to harm you.

Trust no one.

I finish my run without incident and head back to my apartment. I say a silent prayer as I unlock the front door, a sigh of relief, no one changed the lock while I was out. I walk in and Stan and Jackson are standing in the kitchen, making breakfast and getting ready for their days.

“Hey Jon” Stan turned to me “You want some eggs?”

“No!” I replied a little too vehemently. Stan looked at me quizzically. “Um, no thank you. I gotta go shower and get dressed for work.”

“Okay buddy…” He turned back to the stove, choosing to ignore any possible reasoning for my odd reaction. This was good, the more the prankster knows you are fearing their pranks, the more joy they get out of the torture. You must never let them know they are getting inside your head.

I get through my shower without incident, no cold water thrown over the curtain – I rushed to be certain this wouldn’t be the case, and kept one eye outside the curtain on my towel. Yet another attempt at hilarity is taking away all towels and leaving a simple wash cloth behind for me to dry myself with. Exhausting.

Walking back into my room and getting dressed goes off without a hitch as well. I check my socks for anything odd before pulling them on, my shoes to make sure there are no rocks or fake mice, and inspect every inch of my suit jacket to avoid any silly signs stuck on my back.

I take a deep breath and walk into the kitchen. I look around and see a plethora of prank options. The orange juice? Probably salted. The ice cubes? Probably vodka. The sugar for my coffee? Also probably mixed with salt. Salt, one of the biggest enemies of the day. I decide to play it safe and grab a coffee on my way to work. It’s safe to get a beverage or food item from a local restaurant. If they “prank” you, you can get them fired! Well, you can try. I’ve tried, I was only able to make a complaint. Turns out the barista switching my order with someone else’s that year was just an accident…so they say.

I stop by the local Starbucks and closely watch the barista who I give my order too. I see no funny business, but I’m still sure to sniff my beverage before drinking it. No complaints being filed with the manager today. I walk the rest of the way to work and hop in the elevator.

I work in marketing for a grocery store chain. Its steady work and I enjoy it. Usually people are pretty dependable, but as I said before, today is a day that nobody is to be trusted. I walk in and drop my bag at my desk. I move my chair backwards and forwards and push it on a few times. I slowly lower myself into it and breathe another sigh of relief. It doesn’t fall apart or slam to the floor. I turn on my computer and Brenda pops her head in my office.

“Hey Jon! I made some muffins and put them in the break room, you should come have one!”

“Hey Brenda! That’s awesome, thank you, I’ll grab one soon!” Not. She takes me for a fool, but I think of everything! God knows what I would bite into with one of those muffins. No thank you. No breakfast for me. Its fine, I have a frozen meal at the bottom of the freezer out of sight that is ready for lunch today. Should be far enough from harm’s way to not be tampered with.

I start answering emails and preparing for my meetings for the day. After about an hour Brenda showed up again with a muffin.

“Here you go! I didn’t want you to miss out.” She smiled at me. A pushy prankster; interesting the things you learn about people on this day.

“Oh thanks…” I look down as she places the muffin on my desk. I picked it up and sniffed it, pulled it apart and decide it’s not worth the risk. I toss it in the garbage and go back to work, my stomach growling. Sometimes you have to make small sacrifices to benefit the greater good of your day. I think about this and write a note to buy a bag of ice after work. I’m not taking a chance with those ice trays.

The next few hours go by in silence, and then Brenda pops by again. “Are you coming to the meeting? It got pushed up to 11AM instead of 2PM.”

I sigh “Oh very funny Brenda! I see what you are trying to do.”

Brenda paused, visibly confused “What are you talking about?” Such a good actress.

“I’m not falling for any pranks today!”

“Why would I be pranking you?”

Brenda walked in and got closer. I see her eyes move to the garbage can where the remnants of her muffin remain. Her confused look turns to hurt.

“Did you not like the muffin? I tried a new recipe, I was nervous about it. Not many people would give me feedback.”

I started to realize that I may be misjudging her and reply with an air of guilt.

“Um, I didn’t try it.” I admit,

“Why not?” Brenda stares at me. “You know Jon, you seem off today, are you okay?”

I sigh, “I’m trying to avoid getting pranked. I hate April Fools’ Day, its so many bad memories and I just don’t want to deal with it.”

Brenda chuckles “Jon, it’s April 2^nd”

“Very funny Brenda, a classic prank – trying to make me think I don’t have to worry so I won’t see the pranks coming!”

“No, Jon, really, yesterday was April 1^st. Today is the 2^nd. Check your calendar.”

I’m skeptical, but I’ll give her this one. I glance on my phone and see the date, “April 2^nd”

I check my computer “04/02/2021”

People could have tampered with these. I Google “what is today’s date”

Friday, April 2, 2021

“Oh” I’m stunned.

I missed April Fools’ Day? I went without getting pranked and I didn’t pay attention? My luck must have turned. This was amazing.

I crumple my note to buy ice and turned to Brenda, “I think I’ll try a muffin now!”

“That was the last one” Brenda scowled and walked away. “See you in the conference room!”

Damn it.

I’m so hungry.