Slip this hardcover in your bookcase

If your dad is on a business trip and your coach is in your kitchen on Saturday morning drinking coffee saying he stopped by to pick you up for soccer practice... Just, don't read this.

"An evil book, bound with flesh written in the blood of the innocent. It brings pain, suffering - "

"Yeah, whatever, you old goat. Where be the treasure? Have you a book on that?"

The storyteller waved the lot away. He drank his tankard of piss in one gulp. 

"Who here has a tale of adventures on the high seas, with plunder…"

"And booty. Lots and lots of precious booty?"

"Aye, don't forget the booty. And with wenches, big tittied mermaids, cunting creatures who trap brave sailors with their alluring sea-spray smelling clams."

The lot's thunder shook the tavern to its core. A barmaid squealed as stubby fingers pinched her bum, another broke a pint on some bald guy's head screaming

"Johnny, I said no."

"Come on lass, let old John fix the plumbing."

"It don't need fixing."

"How about I baptize your kid. I'm also a priest. Come, place thy head on my lap and confess."

She scoffed but her eyes told a different story.

"Oh, I've cut you. Poor baby, let me patch you up. I'm sorry, so sorry…"

Her tongue was doing figure eights in Johnny's mouth.

"Is there not a man here who has a great story?"

"Or woman, let's no dis- bang!

That guy got his head blown off.

"As I was saying…"

"How about the tale of a magic city?"

A young man spoke from the shadows. He was seated in the corner. His face was shrouded in darkness by a dark hood. He wore a dark tunic and ate dark chocolate. A nasty piece of work. 

"Speak up, lad. What tale do you have to share?"

"A story so wild none of you shall believe by the time I'm done. Creatures so mysterious you shit yourself at the very sight of one. You'd go mad and become their slave upon hearing the bloodcurdling wail."

All present froze and listened carefully. Even Johnny behaved. 

"I found myself in the bed of young beauty. My ship docked in the Africans. The captain was pleased with our latest plunder: a British cargo ship, filled to the brim, not a single scratch on it."

"What did it carry?"

"Sugar, spice…"

"And what else?"

"And everything nice."

"Hey, let him speak. Go on lad, what about the girl?"

"The daughter of a wealthy merchant. A blonde beauty, her eyes brighter than the desert star, her lips soft as silk. Angel™, that's her name. I always visit her in that hub. 

Between our lovemaking, she told of a map her father stashed away in a secret place inside her mansion. She said the map was responsible for his wealth. So in love was Angel she promised to steal it from her father as long as we sail away together. She was young and hot and wanted to travel, and see the world. 

" What did you do?"

He laughed and winked.

" She wasn't lying."

The lad grabbed a folded cloth from his coat pocket and placed it on the table for everyone to see.

"My God, it's beautiful. Can you read it, lad?"

He placed a slim finger on the cloth and said

"This is the Western coast from here all the way up here."

"I know that place."

"Shut up you old goat. Go on, lad."

"Right in the middle of the sea, at these coordinates, there's a small patch of dirt. Men, I swear, what I witnessed there is beyond words. No matter how brave you think you are, no matter your skill with flint and sword, you'd piss your pants at the sight of that gate.

" What gate, lad? Come on, speak up."

A man the size of an ox banged his fist splitting the ale-soaked timber. "Another round for us all. Give this lad a drink, his throat is sore. "

The patron slammed a moist dishrag on the bar.

"Who's gonna pay for it? You haven't paid for the last…"

Staring down the barrel of twenty or so guns quickened his pace. 

"A gate of light, like water, flowed from the ground and reached the clouds. It rang like thousands of bells, like drums and trumpets. "

"What was beyond it?"

"I stepped through. The pain was like nothing ever felt in my life. My soul was torn from my body."

Johnny made the sign of the cross. 

"It took me to the shores of a place like no other: sea serpents as tall as old pine trees rose from the depths of a fetid sea. They stood upwards and flailed in the breeze; a city, with shiny stones of purple, orange, green, and red, built for giants. Towers that touched the clouds, with blazing golden lights, grew like mushrooms from the ground up. Soldiers on the battlements surrounded the fortress. They wore dark lacquered armor like in the forgotten days of old. 

"Fascinating! What else did you see, tell us."

"Yes, speak lad."

"What ships did they have? Heavy battleships, bigger than gallons?"

"What were those sea serpents? Why didn't they gobble you up?"

"Did you venture into the city?"

"What about ale? Did they have rum? What's to drink over there?"

"Who built that doorway? Or was it magical? If they built such a magnificent city surely they could build a gate to zip across the world…"

"Wait a minute, how did you get back here?"

"Why didn't you talk to anyone? What the hell did you do there anyway?"

"What about women? Did they have gills, wings, what?"

"Those shiny stones, you think it's worth something? Might it be jade or rubies? Any gold or silver?"

"What about coins? Were they made of gold?"

"What did people do over there? What did they look like? What language did they speak?"

"What about the plumbing? How advanced was the plumbing?"

They were all set on finding the mysterious city. A crew of ruthless pirates, a ship with heavy cannons, a fearless captain with a passion for treasure, Johnny, and the one who bedded Angel, the merchant's daughter, and a beautiful librarian loved by us all.