Mother

Sixty years, six months, two weeks and a day since I last felt her warmth. I was meeting her again today, even if it was a swift passing of a second, it was all that mattered to beings like me. You must think me weird, yes you should. It’s not a regular meeting at a park, a restaurant for a meal, or a walk from school; neither is it the eagerness that comes when she arrives home. No, it’s not all that, I could never experience that, I never even know what it was like. Although I have watched from here seeing such warmth for eons. Time doesn’t really work where I stay. Time’s only rule is on earth. Where beings grow, a place they change from young to old. Growth, a transit I’ll never experience. I would have if only she’d let me. My entire existence depended on her.

The last to cross to the other side was an old man, well fulfilled in his years. It was precious for us to sit and chat with the travelers for as long as the time permitted. It was the only time we get to enjoy the experiences on earth preserved in memories. It was always such a brief moment before the golden bell rings. We never have the time to ask all the questions we wanted to, and other times, their memory of earth faded so fast. Then they’ll continue their journey, either to eternal bliss or doom. We never know, we never see beyond a huge fog. Nivarna was where we were, we could never go forth to eternal bliss nor could we go to Sheol for we never had a chance on earth. 

We were ethereals just in between, waiting for when time finally meets eternity and then we would have the eternal bliss. I treasured all the old man told us, he said he was a janitor in his time on earth, as his memory faded, he could only tell us so much so as how the sky was blue, and the smell of the earth when it first rains. There were thousands of other ethereals, we were the ones rejected by our mothers even before we saw the first light. This was were we often returned to sadly, with all hopes of being wrapped in loving arms gone, then we’ll never know what we would become, we didn’t even have the chance to make choices or decisions, we were gone even before our purpose was completed. I was four months when mother decided to do away with me. A mistake from a regrettable Valentine’s night. I never even heard fathers voice. But I heard mother each time. Most times she cried, and other times she would hit her belly with so much force and disgust. Sometimes, she would take all deadly pills to get rid of me, but I stayed cause I loved her, she was my only access to earth—a god to me. I would have wiped her tears and cared for her if only she’d let me live to see the light. Each night I would hear her cursing bitterly, sometimes at father whose voice I had never heard, and other times at herself for being so stupid. Yes I heard, for my soul was cleaved unto her the moment I was conceived. I just wished she’d allow my body grow some months more, and I’ll have promised her I wouldn’t be a burden. I listen to her voice every night she cried. It was soft, there is nothing on earth that could compare to how she sounded. If she’d given me a few more years I’d have leapt for joy whenever I heard her. But she didn’t want me, I would ruin her life she’d say. I wonder why she never thought of me, her memory was all I could ever grasp in my short time on earth. I knew she didn’t for once think of me, for my halo never twinkled once. I know of an ethereal whose halo never ceased to twinkle. It was as though it was constantly ablaze. He was a most wanted child, a tragic miscarriage. His twinkling halo was a sign of love. Mine never twinkled, even now that mother’s time was up …..it never twinkled. 

I waited at the boundary where Nirvana meets the earth. It was the closest I could ever get. Sixty years, six months, two weeks and a day, must be a pretty long time on earth. She must have changed from how I knew her. Her body must have experienced the bliss of growth and old age. I never had a taste of that, but her soul would remain the same, it was still cleaved to mine. It would be severed moments before the golden bell rang and then her fate would be decided just beyond the fog. This was my only chance to meet her. I had a lot of things to ask her like how many siblings I had; what their eyes were like, How does milk taste? What was her favorite time of the day? I’ll ask her if she ever caught a butterfly. I’ll also ask her about the sun, I’d never seen it. We didn’t need the sun here in Nirvana for we were powered by the eternal life source. But I so wanted to see the sun, and feel its warmth on my mortal skin. I’ll also ask her to describe the smell of the first rain on the earth. I’d ask her a thousand questions but one. One which my entire existence was hinged on. One which would never be answered even till eternity. I won’t ask her why she hated me so, no, I won’t for no answer could suffice. 

Just then I saw a shape move along the distant horizon… ..the fog was hazy, I couldn’t go or see further. I was transfixed where I stood, prevented by a force beyond me from going further. I'd have to wait for her to come closer. Everything always depended on her. Sixty years, six months, two weeks and a day would all come to an end in this moment … …I’d see her again. I’ll see my mother.