Through The Portal

As I lay in bed, I stared blankly at my ceiling. Thoughts from the day that had passed swept through my mind and soon became thoughts for what tomorrow will bring. My mind never stops running and is usually the source for a lack of sleep. My pup, who was a rescue and about 4 weeks old, laid sprawled out at my feet, snoring away. That’s not what kept me up these past few days. No, it was a sense of a higher state of consciousness-why were we here? Not why were me and my dog here. Why were we as humans here on this Earth? What is our purpose as a species? Our purpose as individuals? Where did we come from? And where are we going?

My thoughts from what happened earlier today had diminished into this new psychological realm. The snores of my dog drifted off to where I could barely even hear her. My hands were crossed beneath my head and my legs spread out beneath the blanket. My breathing slowed to a very relaxed rhythm. I could almost feel my body floating above my bed, my eyes were fixed above me. Then suddenly, a dim light pulled my gaze away. It was coming from my balcony.

I knew without having to look at my clock it was still nighttime. The last I remember, it was 1 o’clock in the morning and I was getting under my covers, which felt like twenty minutes ago. Confused, I sat up and looked around, and fixed my gaze to my bedroom door. Beneath it was darkness. The light from the windows in the hallway would have spilled through if it was daytime. I turned my gaze to my dog and saw her mouth and front left paw twitching as she snored. She’s dreaming, I thought. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes. Maybe all these thoughts coming to my mind at this hour were making me delirious. When I opened my eyes, I looked back to the balcony only to discover the light continued to spill from beneath.

When the light met my gaze, I felt compelled to follow it. I heard whispers of what sounded like different voices, all calling to me. Intoxicated with how golden this light looked, I removed the covers from my lower body and pulled my feet over to touch the ground. As I stood up, I heard the whispers growing in volume and speed. I took a step toward my balcony and the light beamed brighter. The golden dust was calling me to open the door. There was something on the other side and nothing else mattered except getting there.

The whimpers of my puppy distracted me long enough to break my gaze from the golden dust that illuminated before me. I turned back to Sasha and noticed her twitching had become faster and more consistent. I remembered something about this, it means she was having a nightmare. I walked over to her and stroked her gently to not scare her as she woke. “You’re dreaming, Sasha,” I told her softly, “wake up, it’s ok.”

I propped up from my bed as a bolt of energy ran through me. I was under the covers again. How did this happen? I was standing at the foot of my bed waking up my puppy from a nightmare. I looked around, noticing all the light in my room. It was daytime now. My gaze roamed the room for any clues that could explain the last few minutes, and all I saw was Sasha chewing on her new stuffed toy. “You weren’t having a nightmare, were you?” I asked her. She looked at me, with her ears propped up in curiosity. She quickly drew her attention back to her toy. I slowly turned to my head to the balcony. The golden dust was nowhere in sight. Was this a dream? If it was, why do I feel so restless?

I reached over for my phone and turned the screen on. Great. 10 o’clock in the morning. I’m officially late for work. I rushed out of bed and quickly found some clothes suitable for work. I called the store and let them know I was on my way. As I drove, my mind kept drifting back to the night. When did I even fall asleep? I felt awake for the entire dream. My mind was fixated on reaching an explanation for what happened. Drifting into a deep sleep was not a conclusion I was ready to settle for. Maybe if I would have woken up feeling well rested, that would be an explanation I would accept. But no. This was…different. Obscure. Eerie. And when I thought of the faint whispers calling to me, I felt the iciest chill. They weren’t calling my name, that’s for sure. It was almost like a different language, but how did I understand they were calling to me?

“Rough night?” my coworker startled me.

I looked up at her, confused. My eyes roamed the surroundings. I was in the back office. When in the hell did I get here? I remembered passing Target, that was about halfway here. I don’t remember actually arriving and walking in to work. “What in the actual fu…?!” I whispered to myself.

“Hung over, are we?” Nichole joked as she let out a little chuckle. “I’ll bring you a coffee,” she told me as she reached for her purse.

“No, Nikki, I don’t remember getting here,” I confessed. Even I knew how crazy I sounded. I tried so hard to find the last few moments, but they were not within grasp. What is happening to me?

“Ok,” she reached for her card and placed her purse back on the desk. She made her way towards the door, “I’ll ask for it with an extra shot.” Her look was between concern and puzzled.

She really did think I was hung over. Who would ever believe me? I ran my morning reports before I headed out to the front and went on with my day. Since I was over an hour late, I skipped my lunch to make up some of that time. It helped too. As long as I kept busy, I could keep my mind off my dream and even my morning. I went from customer to customer, assisting them throughout their store experience. At times I was called to help out at the registers, other times I was asked to help in the fitting rooms. The more I kept busy, the better. Nichole’s coffee definitely helped, as I felt sluggish and drowsy throughout my entire shift.

I walked out of the store with Nichole to the parking lot. She asked if I was feeling any better from this morning. I wanted to tell her my experience, but I knew she was ready to get home. This sort of conversation would last longer than what small talk could conceive. As much as I wanted to rest as well, I was scared to go to sleep tonight.

We reached our cars and each headed in our direction. I put on some music to keep my mind distracted from my experience. I tried to sing along to some of the songs on my playlist, but I couldn’t get into the music. I kept retracing everything that happened yesterday. Maybe I did drink. Maybe I did black out. Still does not explain the dream and waking up as if I didn’t sleep a single hour throughout the night. Keep your mind on the road, I told myself. The last thing I needed was to black out while driving and get in some kind of accident harming myself, or even worse harming someone else. Finally, I pulled into my apartment complex and reached my parking space. I sat in my car, staring at my steering wheel. I’m fine. Everything is fine, I told myself and exited the car.

As I walked in, my puppy greeted me with jumps and sheer excitement. It was nightfall by the time I got home. For the first time in a while, I didn’t mind the long shifts that came with retail management. A part of me wanted to volunteer to stay and help close the store. But by the end of my shift, I was so drained I couldn’t bring myself to help. I got my dog’s leash and went outdoors for a stroll and potty break. I walked her to a nearby field so she can do her business. As she sniffed for the perfect spot to unload, I looked up the sky that was filled with stars. One of the best things about living in a smaller city is you don’t have skyscrapers or excessive lights that block your view of such beautiful astronomy. The moon was full. It felt closer than usual as well. I stared at it, admiring its beauty. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Everything is fine, I told myself again.

When Sasha finished her business, we walked back to the apartment. I locked the door behind me and headed straight towards my fridge. Fruit punch, pineapple Fanta, four bottles of Shiner Bock beer…hmm ok so I didn’t have beer last night. Those have been in there for a while. I moved the beer to the side and saw the bottle of whiskey still untouched from last week. Ok, so I didn’t drink at all last night. I went for the Fanta, grabbed some chips from my pantry and planted my rear on the couch. After about an hour or so, I started to feel weary.

I closed the bedroom door behind me. I always slept with the doors all closed. My closet door, my bathroom door-they all had to be shut. Most scary movies have someone's creepy silhouette of a body lurking in the thresholds of open doors. Ever since I was kid, I needed to have all doors shut in order to fall asleep comfortably. I slid into my pjs, shorts and a tank top. As I was rolling the covers back, I turned and looked at the balcony door. My gaze fixated at the very bottom of it, I walked over and placed my hand on the knob. Nothing. I turned it to the right and pulled it open. I stepped on to my balcony to see my brown and black patio furniture, lights wrapped around two wooden columns at the end of each side, a few of my plants were off to the far right, and my painting easel on my far left-everything was as it was. Nothing to fear, I reminded myself.

I placed Sasha on my bed and followed behind her. I got under the covers and laid on my back, my eyes staring at the ceiling. No, not tonight, I told myself and shut my eyes. I wanted to get some rest. I needed to get some rest. I’m sure my mind and body could use it if I wanted the black outs to stop. I tossed and turned for what felt like hours. I couldn’t fall asleep. I let out a soft growl of frustration. And there they were again. The whispers calling to me. No, this isn’t real. This is a dream. I couldn’t even convince myself. I pulled the pillow from beneath me and wrapped it around my ears. The whispers continued to grow louder and speak faster. Attempting to block it out, I turned from side to side pulling the pillow even tighter to cover my ears.

“Whaaat?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I jolted to sit upright with my eyes still shut. Just then, silence filled the room. All I could hear was my own breathing. I gradually opened my eyes to see darkness surrounding me. Slowly, my gaze went around the room until they reached the balcony. There it was, enchanting and magical, the golden dust peeked from under the door, pulling me out of bed. I didn’t even feel like I was walking, but gliding toward it. As I placed my hand around the knob, the golden dust wrapped around my hand and arm filling my body with a very odd sensation. It was like the feeling you get when you’re so close to arriving home after a long trip away. I turned the knob, cautiously, and heard the click as the door opened. The light peeked through every side.

The light became brighter as I continued to pull the door open. I brought my right hand to cover my eyes from the blinding beams and took one step to the other side of the threshold. The light dimmed as I regained my ability to see. When my vision finally came in focus, I saw hills of sand as far as I could possibly see. As I drew my gaze to closer objects, I was confused to see not one of my belongings from earlier. The columns were wider and were made of stone. The patio furniture with cushions was replaced with one chair that appeared to be made of limestone. The wooden fence was an extension from the pillars. I looked to the left, where I kept my easel and was taken aback from what I saw.

Pillars were stretched for several hundred feet, each of them covered in what anyone would be able to recognize as hieroglyphics. At the top of each pillar was a carving that was shaped like a woman’s head. The eyeliner was carved so meticulously I could see the wing of the liner stretching almost to the hairline, the head topped with what appeared to be the types of crowns you see in movies worn by Ancient Egyptian civilizations. The pillars stood about twenty feet tall. My eyes marveled at the beauty of the structure. When my eyes reached the top of the pillars, I noticed the ceilings also had hieroglyphics. It was a circle, with symbols along the round shape. I squinted, trying to focus. It appeared to be some kind of zodiac symbol. I could make out a goat and bull, symbols still used today in the zodiac. The background of the stone was blue, with the symbols in bright gold, illuminating the gold dust that beamed through my door.

Suddenly a pair of hands touched each side of my face and pulled my gaze towards the vision of a woman. She had jet black hair; her skin was a beautiful brown. The golden dust wrapped around her, almost as if it was an extension of her. The touch of her hands gave me such a shockingly relaxed feeling. “How do I know you?” I asked in a voice just above a whisper.

She smiled at me, understanding exactly what I said. I knew this woman. The strange sense of familiarity filled me. Looking into her eyes, with blue and green eyeshadow and a long winged black liner like the carving that topped the pillars. I felt surprisingly safe with her. She motioned her arm to follow her in the direction of the pillars. Just as I was about to move my second foot through the threshold, a faint noise drew my attention to look back.

I saw myself, lying in bed with my eyes closed. Sasha was running around me and jumping on me as she let out puppy barks near my face. She was trying to wake me up. I felt the pull back to my body and turned back to the woman, confused as to what would happen next. Her eyebrows were perplexed as if she were worried for me. “Nooo!” I screamed as I held my hand out for her to pull me back. She reached out for my hand. With our fingers about to touch, the vision of her became smaller as the pull back to my body became stronger.

As I was jolted back to reality, I gasped for air and heard the slam of a door. I coughed as I tried to regain my breath looking over at my balcony. It was daylight again. I moved my feet over to touch the ground and fell on my knees in the process. I was still struggling to catch my breath as I pushed up to get back on my feet and headed toward the door. I opened it with as much force as I could fathom and rushed through the threshold only to see my patio belongings as they were. The wooden pillars, the plants, my easel. Everything was back.

I turned back to Sasha to see her sitting upright, her ears propped up, head tilted and eyes wide and locked on me. Was she saving me as I did her? I looked peaceful when I saw myself sleeping. How could she know I was having a nightmare? Was this even a nightmare to save me from? I went back inside and shut the door behind me. I leaned against it and let my body slide down. My knees still upward, I crossed my arms over them and dug my head in between. I took a few deep breaths to get a grip on what just happened. Just then, a book flew out of my bookshelf and in my direction. I looked up at Sasha to see she had not moved from her spot.

I picked up the book, one I had not opened in a few years and was used for a philosophy course, “Experiencing Astral Travel through Portals in Your Home.”

What in the actual fu…