Contest #183 shortlist ⭐️

An Aye for a Legg and a Legg for an Aye

Submitted into Contest #183 in response to: Write a story about two opposites finding themselves surprisingly attracted to one another.... view prompt

25 comments

American Funny Middle School

If Lucky Chances wasn't the worst singles bar in South Florida, it's only because the Board of Health had closed down the others. There were just so many hepatitis cases one county could handle at a time.

Woodrow Aye arrived at happy hour promptly at 6:07 p.m., just after clocking out from the big box retailer that kept him gainfully employed, assuming wearing a blue vest and bitching about the Miami sports teams constituted work. After a few spritzes of Drakkar Noir and a drive-thru dinner at BurgerFace, Woodrow walked into Lucky Chance’s darkened lounge, single and ready to mingle. 

Peggy Legg, “Peg” to her friends, had been kicked in the face almost every day of her life since her nouveau riche parents decided to have fun when they named her. Her dad was a dot com millionaire and her mom modeled bikinis on TikTok. 

Peg had a trust fund with more zeros than Lucky Chances, but she was determined never to buy her own drink. When she saw Woodrow walk in, she hated him right away, so naturally, she headed to the bar and sat down on the stool next to him.

“Hey,” she said to him, more of an accusation than a greeting. She noticed he was even sweatier up close.

“Hay is for horses,” replied Woodrow, taken off guard by a female coming on to him. Like a dying shark, he was used to circling the bar and making a nuisance of himself until he was shot down. Occasionally, Woodrow got lucky waiting for cheap alcohol and loneliness to wear down some girl. Maybe tonight was his night? 

Challenge accepted, Peg thought to herself as she waived down the bartender and ordered her first drink. 

“Gimme a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue, and put it on Gomer’s tab.”

“But Miss...”

“But nothing, you heard me.” Peg turned back towards her prey. “My name is Peggy Legg, Gomer. I’ll sit here with you as long as you keep my glass full and your hands to yourself.”

“Whatever you say, Captain Ahab, as long as you don’t make me walk the plank.” Woodrow responded, looking down at Peggy’s gams. “Do you have a hook for a hand, too?”

“Well, unless you prefer your hand or a hooker, I suggest you listen to my proposition.”

“You’re propositioning me?” Woodrow leered. 

“Yes,” she replied. “And I’m going to help you score tonight.”

“Why?” Woodrow eyed her suspiciously. 

“For revenge,” she replied, draining her drink. “This is how it’s going to go. You’re a 3, maybe a 4 on a good night. I’m a solid 8.”

“All true.”

“My parents are dining next door at Au Revoir. We’re going over to ruin their dinner, then we’ll come back here. These bar rats will wonder why I’m all over you, then they’ll try to steal your affections.”

“I like it, Peg Legg. But if we’re going to be in cahoots—you need to stop calling me Gomer.”

“Fine, what the hell is your real name?” 

“If you must know, it’s Woodrow—Woodrow Nevil Aye.”

“Are you kidding me? Wood N. Aye?”

“Peg Legg! Peg Legg!”  

The two misfits broke out into laughter that lasted long enough for Woodrow to get his blue vest from the car. 

“Wait,” Peggy said, grabbing Woodrow’s arm before reaching into her purse. “Let’s do this right.” And with that in mind, she caked on bright red lipstick, planted a big kiss on Woodrow's cheek, then took his arm and led him into Au Revoir.

It wasn’t hard to spot her parents and relatives already a dozen bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon down. 

“Sorry, we’re late,” Peggy said, as both Leggs looked up at their daughter in horror. Her limbs were entwined with a bloated, weak-chinned man with a bad combover. “I just picked up my fiancé from Walmart…”

“Sam’s Club,” Woodrow interrupted. “I’m a merchandise associate.” 

“So you stock shelves,” Mr. Legg said, taking in Woodrow’s cheap polyester shirt, badly fitted khakis, and blue vest. Their family and friends giggled into their menus.

“No, but my manager said if I work really hard I might be able to stock shelves in a year or two. By the way, my name is Woodrow. Should I call you dad?” 

“Hardly,” Peggy’s father shot back. “My name is Harold, and don’t you forget it.”

“You’re Harry Legg? Well, shut my mouth. And you must be Peggy’s mom. I think I’ve seen you on Tik Tok. You used to be so good-looking.”

“Used to be?”

“Don’t fret it, mom. I’d still do you,” Woodrow said before looking at Peggy. “If that’s alright with you, darling?”

“Why not keep it in the family?” Peggy replied, shrugging her shoulders. “Just like mom does with Uncle Armando. Mom, doesn’t Armando film all your TikTok videos by the pool—especially when Dad’s not home?”

An apoplectic Harry Legg turned to his red-faced wife.

“My brother? You whore!”

“Honey, please! It’s not what you think.” 

“Are you going to cost me Armando Legg?” Her husband stood up, threw his napkin on the table, and prepared to storm out of the Au Revoir.

“If Harold doesn’t want you, then I do!” cried Armando from the table's far end. He walked over to the two shaking Leggs. 

Peggy’s mother fainted from all of the commotion. Armando gallantly caught her head before it hit the table. Incensed, Harold grabbed her lower half.

“Stop pulling my Legg!” Armando screamed. 

"You are embarrassing yourself!" Harry Legg yelled at his brother. "Leave here with your tail between your—"

“I think our work is done here,” Woodrow said grabbing his Legg by the arm. 

“I think you’re right, and by the way, you’re actually not half bad,” Peggy grinned, giving her Aye the eye. “How about we give this thing a go for real?” 

“You’re not afraid of losing your parents' affection? I don’t want to come between your Leggs.”

“They’ll be fine. Now let's shake a Legg and let's get out of here.”

“Fan-damn-tastic. Would you like to go to Sam's Club, grab a box of wine and a bag of meat sticks, then head back to my place?”

“Would I!”

“Peg Legg! Peg Legg!”


February 04, 2023 01:28

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25 comments

Wendy Kaminski
16:31 Feb 10, 2023

Way to go, both a hilarious entry and a well-deserved shortlist!

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Mister X
18:29 Feb 10, 2023

Thanks so much Wendy. I'm glad to finally break through!!

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Thom With An H
16:21 Feb 10, 2023

Congrats on the Shortlist. This is one of the funniest stories I've read on Reedsy.

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Mister X
18:29 Feb 10, 2023

Thanks!!

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Lily Finch
18:06 Feb 06, 2023

Mister X, Very well done. Good luck.

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Mister X
18:29 Feb 10, 2023

Thanks Lily. I really appreciate it.

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Tommy Goround
15:15 Feb 06, 2023

Bookmark

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Mister X
18:30 Feb 10, 2023

Frying pan.

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Mazie Maris
22:19 Feb 05, 2023

This story is hilarious! It made me laugh out loud many times. Thanks for the good read and the giggles!

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Mister X
18:30 Feb 10, 2023

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. :-)

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Thom With An H
21:20 Feb 04, 2023

I had to read this three times to get all the funnies. Great job. Good luck. 😀😀😀😀😀

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Mister X
11:34 Feb 04, 2023

Happy Valentine's Day ❣️

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Annie Persson
15:29 Jan 01, 2024

Love this, it's so funny and riddled with word plays. Well done! :)

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21:39 Feb 18, 2023

Hilarious! I loved it. Made me laugh out loud. Good for you.

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01:06 Feb 11, 2023

A giant dad joke, this was awesome. Armando Legg was my favorite bit.

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Tommy Goround
19:58 Feb 10, 2023

"you can do it " You did it. Good jav.

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Mister X
20:13 Feb 10, 2023

I'd like to thank the Academy.....

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Adelina Coombs
14:44 May 19, 2023

I really liked this story. I'm a sixth grader and I've read plenty of stories but I really enjoyed this one.

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01:13 Apr 21, 2023

Hilarious! So many plays on words, and I actually LOL. Mackenzie

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Fabi M
05:14 Mar 20, 2023

I will say you do a good job of establishing setting very quickly, and you establish these characters in a similar way. This snappy writing reminds me of an Abbot and Costello sketch and of a craiglist post in which a man offered to pretend to be someone's awful boyfriend at a family gathering for food. In short, this is quite humorous. Though I will say some of the dialogue, such as the usage of the word gams made me doubt the time period in which this is set. I do understand that mentions of tiktok would set this piece in the modern age, b...

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Sophia Gavasheli
16:55 Feb 20, 2023

Love that first line, and all the Legg puns. ;)

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Amanda Lieser
19:51 Feb 16, 2023

Hey Mister X! Congratulations on the shortlist! I thought this one was clever and funny and perfectly punny. I really loved the way you also brought up some bigger themes, like the repercussions of social media and how it shaped our children. It really is a slightly terrifying social experiment to wonder what the kids of today will do tomorrow. Nice job!

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Philip Ebuluofor
13:43 Feb 12, 2023

Funny one here and a damn good one. Congrats.

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Philip Ebuluofor
13:43 Feb 12, 2023

Funny one here and a damn good one. Congrats.

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Laurel Hanson
14:31 Feb 11, 2023

Very funny and darn clever. Well done.

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