Crime Sad Speculative

Dear Fake-mother,


You thought,

that you could,

fool me,

make me,

your slave


Yes,

it may,

have worked,

for some time


All,

these years,

it,

has worked,

your plan,

has executed,

perfectly


But,

I discovered,

something


I guess,

that this dangerous,

blizzard,

wasn't preposterous,

at all


It was my key,

my good luck charm,

into figuring out,

your little lies,

you secrets


I hate,

you,

forever


Every time,

now I think of you,

it reminds me,

of a witch,

who tried,

to separate,

my mom,

and me


Who you kidnapped,

who you murdered,

savagely,

like a beast


You think,

you can get,

away with that?


Oh no, 

you won't


I can't let you go,

like that,

I won't let you go,

just like that


My revenge,

will be taken,

as soon,

as possible


Oh, just you wait,

my mother,

my ugly, hideous mother


Just you see,

who I,

can truly,

be


I'm just,

as dangerous,

as you can be


You fooled me,

you've captivated me


But until now,

I've suffered,

I've never spoken a word,

harshly against you


There's a limit,

to everything,

in this world, 

you know?


The limit,

it has lasted,

here


After I figured,

you dirty trick,

after I figured,

your vicious plan


Now I see,

what a fool,

I have been


Now I know,

what you know


I will break you,

from the threats you,

have done,

to me


You may,

think that I,

feel desperate


But no,

remove that thought,

from your brain,

from your vein


I am capable,

I am strong,

I am bold and brave,

but you are not


Oh, mother,

fake mother,

all these years,

you held to me


Treated me,

like a servant,

like a slave,

like a stray dog,

in your house


Ordered me,

every step,

every moment,

I'm wake


Now I see,

the world so clear,

who I am,

and where I should,

have been


But why?

Oh, mother?

Fake mom?

Just, why?


What did my poor,

sweet mother,

ever do to you?


Even though,

I've never met her,

I know,

she's not as cruel,

as you


Even though,

I've never met her,

I know,

she's better,

much better,

than you


How could,

you do,

this terrible,

sin?


To the woman,

to the lady,

who's as kind,

as a bunny


Who's as sweet,

as honey


I realized,

my whole life,

has been wasted,

as a maid


I just realized,

that my whole life,

I've been in a dungeon,

locked in a cell,

never took after,

never been cared


Looked away,

like a stranger,

in the dark


Tossed away,

like a pebble,

in the sand


Never been valued,

my whole life


Never felt,

the love,

of a mother


Never have,

I ever,

been tended,

from a mother


Cared,

oh so sweetly,

as gently,

as a child


But even,

after I've grown,

it's now,

I realize,

that I'm not supposed,

to be yours


I wish,

I realized,

this sooner


Now my life,

is filled with regrets,

mistakes I've done,

all for you


I am writing,

this to let,

you know,

I know


While you,

were out,

I was working,

out and about


Until I saw,

some dirt,

inside,

the forbidden,

room


I hesitated,

to go in,

I remembered,

your warning


Outside,

there was a blizzard,

it was a terrible,

weather


I knew,

you would be mad,

if there was dirt in the house


I held a deep breath,

in,

as I slowly crept inside the room


That's when I saw,

a big,

a huge trunk


On top,

there were cobwebs


I figured that,

I would clean it,

since I already,

reached your room


I figured,

that I should also,

clean the inside


But when I opened it,

the unlocked trunk


I saw pictures of my real mother,

which had X's marked on the front


I rummaged through,

more things inside,

and that's where I saw,

your letters


You had plotted a plan,

to kill my mother,

you and your gang,

to murder my father


You pretended,

your whole life,

that you were,

my mother,

my rightful,

guardian


But now,

I know why


You thought,

you inherited,

all my parent's money,

if you killed them


But you see,

I won't let,

that happen


I will make sure,

you pay,

for the price,

you did,

to them


Now I feel,

no regret,

that I barged,

inside the forbidden room


You thought,

that you could,

hide this,

from me,

forever


When you,

went out,

I too wanted to go,

to clean,

the workplace


But after,

all my chores,

were done


I saw,

the blizzard,

it was coming,

and not just for fun


I was snowed,

inside,

this house


That is how,

I figured,

your ruthless,

secret


I am writing,

this to let you know,

that I won't give,

you any mercy,

for all the actions you've shown


All my life,

I've grown up,

in a stranger's arms


But I'll forget,

this brutal past


I will leave,

all of this,

behind me


As I lock you up,

and give you,

to the cops


I will run away,

searching for a better life,

without you,

leaving,

my eighteen years,

of life,

all behind me


I don't need you,

I guess,

I never have


All these terrible things,

you have done,

to my family,

all for money


You greedy,

witch! 


You pesky,

you selfish,

you avaricious,

ravenous,

troll


Do,

know this,

that all this money,

can never buy,

you happiness


In fact,

you never,

even deserve,

to have a hint of love,

care,

and affection,

by someone else,

you ogre


You don't know,

the meaning,

the true and beautiful meaning,

of a family,

of a peaceful life


Can you imagine?

Living a life,

with a stranger,

who pretends to be,

your mother?


Can you imagine?

If you learn,

that "mother",

has killed,

your real mother and father


You do this for your happiness,

for your greed,

for more money


But I won't,

mark my words,

you ogre


I won't let you live,

a life of happiness


Yours NOT truly,

(and who DESERVED to have a better life)

Elise


"Hello, 911? I need you to arrest a murderer called..." Elise called the cops, and then she ran away from that home, escaping for a better life.

~The End~













Posted Jan 17, 2021
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53 likes 45 comments

Nancy Drayce
20:14 Jan 17, 2021

This is so cool Laila!! I really like the plot of this story! The emotion was there and the idea was very well executed! Amazing! πŸ’œπŸŒŸ

Reply

Thank you so much Nancy! I am so glad that you liked the emotion build-up I used in this! :)

Reply

Hey everyone! Hope you are all having a good Sunday!
Things to share about this story:

1. This entire story is wrote in a poetry. Now, I have done this type of story before, and it seems like my first try to do a story like that really had worked, and I am pretty happy about that success. So I figured that if I wanted to get better at this skill, I have to keep practicing it. This prompt was the perfect time that I could try and practice this again. If you are wondering what story I did which had a poetry format, I will leave the title and link down below.

"It's for you Mother: A Poem": https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/75/submissions/48960/

2. Most of this story is told by italics, and that is because I want to denote the fact that this girl has basically written this poem all in a letter, to her fake-mother. Only the last sentence is not part of the letter, which is why it is not in italics. I just wanted to differentiate this fact, which I do hope that all you readers actually understood!

3. If you are kind of lost, and didn't understand what this girl was writing about, I'll tell you again.

So Elise was supposed to go with her fake-mother to do some chores there, but first she had to finish ALL her work in this house. While she was doing that, it took her a long time to finish. But when she did, a huge blizzard prevented her from going outside. As she was stuck in the house, she saw some dirt in the "Forbidden Room", and decided to clean it when she saw a trunk. Inside the trunk was a lot of photos and letters from her real parents. Now she realizes that this fake-mother actually killed her real parents to get money. At the end, she basically calls the police and runs away in search for a better life.

That was the story in a nutshell.

I hope you enjoyed! :)

Reply

Okay Hari! This was really really good! I love your portrayal of emotions! And how you organized the story was really nice too! I love how you added in a back story it made it more touching! I enjoyed the ending too it was a nice resolve!! Once again loved it! Felt like a fairy tale haha

Now for my critique----- I noticed some mistakes in grammar and they are just slight mixed up words.

After I figured,
*you* dirty trick, - I think you meant *your*
after I figured, - I believe *out* should go here it feels like an unfinished sentence.
your vicious plan

*Looked* away, - I think you meant *locked*
like a stranger,
in the dark

You pesky,
*you* selfish, - Removing the *you* would add more emotions!
*you* avaricious, - Same here!
ravenous,
troll

soooo something like this -
*You pesky,
selfish,
avaricious,
ravenous-
troll!*

....
And now my second or third critique is...I noticed your commas. You have quite alot lol. And I get it cause I wrote a story in this order and was completely confused.

My advice is, you don't have to put a comma after each line. The commas make it seem like she is pausing with every word she says. You can fix this by...

For example-

Now I feel,
no regret,
that I barged,
inside the forbidden room - This is your sentence.
You thought,
that you could,
hide this,
from me,
forever

*Now I feel
no regret
that I barged inside
the forbidden room. - Something like this! Also use periods, question marks and
more! They help!
You thought
that you could
hide this
from me
forever?*

But thats it! You can use this however you like these are just my suggestions!

But great job Hari! I loved it!

Reply

Thank you so much for your feedback!

1. Yes, I did mean to your 'your'
2. No, since this is poetry, I kinda felt like the 'out' didn't have to be necessary

1. I do mean looked away, like not being cared at all.

1. Oh, if you do want me to change the you's then I surely will!

1. About the commas...so since this wasn't really a normal story and more of a poetry, I figured that putting the commas will make more sense for readers. I guess this is just my own person style of writing them or something, but I will definitely look into these commas in the future when I am writing another one of these short poems.

But, thank you SO MUCH for writing such a meaningful critique. I am very pleased that you commented on my story. Thank you!!

Reply

Ahh, okay I seee!

Okay! Can't wait to read more!

And of course!! Anytime!

Reply

Fiza Hasan
08:21 Jan 18, 2021

Woah! I love this. This was so emotional, so interesting to read and the way it connected with me makes this even more special. Really well done!

Reply

Ahhh, thank you so much Fiza! I am so glad it connected to the wonderful readers like you!

Reply

Frances Reine
13:49 Jan 18, 2021

There's something so abstract and clean about stories in poetry, especially if they don't rhyme.
And this is off-topic but your story brought me back to kindergarten when I thought commas came after every word. It's a strange thing to think after reading this, I know, but it came back so vivid.
Anyways--
This was really well done and I have no words to possibly describe it.

Reply

Frances...thank you so much for commenting and sharing your opinion! Means so much!

Reply

Frances Reine
16:55 Jan 18, 2021

Of course! Anytime.

Reply

Whoaa this poem was amazing! I was getting Cinderella vibes at first, but then the murder part happened, which added a nice twist! Gj! πŸ‘

Reply

Coco Longstaff
22:36 Jan 23, 2021

Wow Laila! It’s so cool! Poetry again! I think this one was better than the other one you’ve gotten really good! Fake mother! Like my story! Haha so cool! (Although I deleted it) I think this one was really good and passionate
Poetry rules!

Reply

Heyyy, glad to talk to you again Coco!! Thank you so much! <3
Oh no...why did you delete? It must have been a phenomenal story!! =(
Yesssss, poetry does rule!! :)
Have a great day!

Reply

Coco Longstaff
23:12 Jan 23, 2021

Same here! Oh I wrote it with my friend and she asked me to take it down for some reason
Hehe you too have a great day!

Reply

Michael Boquet
23:20 Jan 20, 2021

Wow! No wonder you're #3! I love fiction written in verse. My only critique is, that I think the last paragraph is unnecessary. It's like it belongs to a completely different short story than the one you tacked it on to. Still, great story, well written and compelling.

Reply

20:45 Jan 19, 2021

Wow, that was amazing!

Reply

Akshaya Sutrave
03:56 Jan 18, 2021

Hello Laila!
I love this story so much! I'm glad you tried another story in the form of a poem because the ones you write really are quite amazing! This one kept me reading till the end and I like the overall concept of it! Great job!! :D

Reply

Hi Hari! I'm here again to read your stories!!! Wow, you write so fast, and each story is so beautiful!
Loved this poem idea, it was super emotional. Loved how you described the mom!
AGAIN AN AMAZING STORY!

Reply

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