Dear Fake-mother,
You thought,
that you could,
fool me,
make me,
your slave
Yes,
it may,
have worked,
for some time
All,
these years,
it,
has worked,
your plan,
has executed,
perfectly
But,
I discovered,
something
I guess,
that this dangerous,
blizzard,
wasn't preposterous,
at all
It was my key,
my good luck charm,
into figuring out,
your little lies,
you secrets
I hate,
you,
forever
Every time,
now I think of you,
it reminds me,
of a witch,
who tried,
to separate,
my mom,
and me
Who you kidnapped,
who you murdered,
savagely,
like a beast
You think,
you can get,
away with that?
Oh no,
you won't
I can't let you go,
like that,
I won't let you go,
just like that
My revenge,
will be taken,
as soon,
as possible
Oh, just you wait,
my mother,
my ugly, hideous mother
Just you see,
who I,
can truly,
be
I'm just,
as dangerous,
as you can be
You fooled me,
you've captivated me
But until now,
I've suffered,
I've never spoken a word,
harshly against you
There's a limit,
to everything,
in this world,
you know?
The limit,
it has lasted,
here
After I figured,
you dirty trick,
after I figured,
your vicious plan
Now I see,
what a fool,
I have been
Now I know,
what you know
I will break you,
from the threats you,
have done,
to me
You may,
think that I,
feel desperate
But no,
remove that thought,
from your brain,
from your vein
I am capable,
I am strong,
I am bold and brave,
but you are not
Oh, mother,
fake mother,
all these years,
you held to me
Treated me,
like a servant,
like a slave,
like a stray dog,
in your house
Ordered me,
every step,
every moment,
I'm wake
Now I see,
the world so clear,
who I am,
and where I should,
have been
But why?
Oh, mother?
Fake mom?
Just, why?
What did my poor,
sweet mother,
ever do to you?
Even though,
I've never met her,
I know,
she's not as cruel,
as you
Even though,
I've never met her,
I know,
she's better,
much better,
than you
How could,
you do,
this terrible,
sin?
To the woman,
to the lady,
who's as kind,
as a bunny
Who's as sweet,
as honey
I realized,
my whole life,
has been wasted,
as a maid
I just realized,
that my whole life,
I've been in a dungeon,
locked in a cell,
never took after,
never been cared
Looked away,
like a stranger,
in the dark
Tossed away,
like a pebble,
in the sand
Never been valued,
my whole life
Never felt,
the love,
of a mother
Never have,
I ever,
been tended,
from a mother
Cared,
oh so sweetly,
as gently,
as a child
But even,
after I've grown,
it's now,
I realize,
that I'm not supposed,
to be yours
I wish,
I realized,
this sooner
Now my life,
is filled with regrets,
mistakes I've done,
all for you
I am writing,
this to let,
you know,
I know
While you,
were out,
I was working,
out and about
Until I saw,
some dirt,
inside,
the forbidden,
room
I hesitated,
to go in,
I remembered,
your warning
Outside,
there was a blizzard,
it was a terrible,
weather
I knew,
you would be mad,
if there was dirt in the house
I held a deep breath,
in,
as I slowly crept inside the room
That's when I saw,
a big,
a huge trunk
On top,
there were cobwebs
I figured that,
I would clean it,
since I already,
reached your room
I figured,
that I should also,
clean the inside
But when I opened it,
the unlocked trunk
I saw pictures of my real mother,
which had X's marked on the front
I rummaged through,
more things inside,
and that's where I saw,
your letters
You had plotted a plan,
to kill my mother,
you and your gang,
to murder my father
You pretended,
your whole life,
that you were,
my mother,
my rightful,
guardian
But now,
I know why
You thought,
you inherited,
all my parent's money,
if you killed them
But you see,
I won't let,
that happen
I will make sure,
you pay,
for the price,
you did,
to them
Now I feel,
no regret,
that I barged,
inside the forbidden room
You thought,
that you could,
hide this,
from me,
forever
When you,
went out,
I too wanted to go,
to clean,
the workplace
But after,
all my chores,
were done
I saw,
the blizzard,
it was coming,
and not just for fun
I was snowed,
inside,
this house
That is how,
I figured,
your ruthless,
secret
I am writing,
this to let you know,
that I won't give,
you any mercy,
for all the actions you've shown
All my life,
I've grown up,
in a stranger's arms
But I'll forget,
this brutal past
I will leave,
all of this,
behind me
As I lock you up,
and give you,
to the cops
I will run away,
searching for a better life,
without you,
leaving,
my eighteen years,
of life,
all behind me
I don't need you,
I guess,
I never have
All these terrible things,
you have done,
to my family,
all for money
You greedy,
witch!
You pesky,
you selfish,
you avaricious,
ravenous,
troll
Do,
know this,
that all this money,
can never buy,
you happiness
In fact,
you never,
even deserve,
to have a hint of love,
care,
and affection,
by someone else,
you ogre
You don't know,
the meaning,
the true and beautiful meaning,
of a family,
of a peaceful life
Can you imagine?
Living a life,
with a stranger,
who pretends to be,
your mother?
Can you imagine?
If you learn,
that "mother",
has killed,
your real mother and father
You do this for your happiness,
for your greed,
for more money
But I won't,
mark my words,
you ogre
I won't let you live,
a life of happiness
Yours NOT truly,
(and who DESERVED to have a better life)
Elise
"Hello, 911? I need you to arrest a murderer called..." Elise called the cops, and then she ran away from that home, escaping for a better life.
~The End~
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This is so cool Laila!! I really like the plot of this story! The emotion was there and the idea was very well executed! Amazing! ππ
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Thank you so much Nancy! I am so glad that you liked the emotion build-up I used in this! :)
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Hey everyone! Hope you are all having a good Sunday!
Things to share about this story:
1. This entire story is wrote in a poetry. Now, I have done this type of story before, and it seems like my first try to do a story like that really had worked, and I am pretty happy about that success. So I figured that if I wanted to get better at this skill, I have to keep practicing it. This prompt was the perfect time that I could try and practice this again. If you are wondering what story I did which had a poetry format, I will leave the title and link down below.
"It's for you Mother: A Poem": https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/contests/75/submissions/48960/
2. Most of this story is told by italics, and that is because I want to denote the fact that this girl has basically written this poem all in a letter, to her fake-mother. Only the last sentence is not part of the letter, which is why it is not in italics. I just wanted to differentiate this fact, which I do hope that all you readers actually understood!
3. If you are kind of lost, and didn't understand what this girl was writing about, I'll tell you again.
So Elise was supposed to go with her fake-mother to do some chores there, but first she had to finish ALL her work in this house. While she was doing that, it took her a long time to finish. But when she did, a huge blizzard prevented her from going outside. As she was stuck in the house, she saw some dirt in the "Forbidden Room", and decided to clean it when she saw a trunk. Inside the trunk was a lot of photos and letters from her real parents. Now she realizes that this fake-mother actually killed her real parents to get money. At the end, she basically calls the police and runs away in search for a better life.
That was the story in a nutshell.
I hope you enjoyed! :)
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Okay Hari! This was really really good! I love your portrayal of emotions! And how you organized the story was really nice too! I love how you added in a back story it made it more touching! I enjoyed the ending too it was a nice resolve!! Once again loved it! Felt like a fairy tale haha
Now for my critique----- I noticed some mistakes in grammar and they are just slight mixed up words.
After I figured,
*you* dirty trick, - I think you meant *your*
after I figured, - I believe *out* should go here it feels like an unfinished sentence.
your vicious plan
*Looked* away, - I think you meant *locked*
like a stranger,
in the dark
You pesky,
*you* selfish, - Removing the *you* would add more emotions!
*you* avaricious, - Same here!
ravenous,
troll
soooo something like this -
*You pesky,
selfish,
avaricious,
ravenous-
troll!*
....
And now my second or third critique is...I noticed your commas. You have quite alot lol. And I get it cause I wrote a story in this order and was completely confused.
My advice is, you don't have to put a comma after each line. The commas make it seem like she is pausing with every word she says. You can fix this by...
For example-
Now I feel,
no regret,
that I barged,
inside the forbidden room - This is your sentence.
You thought,
that you could,
hide this,
from me,
forever
*Now I feel
no regret
that I barged inside
the forbidden room. - Something like this! Also use periods, question marks and
more! They help!
You thought
that you could
hide this
from me
forever?*
But thats it! You can use this however you like these are just my suggestions!
But great job Hari! I loved it!
Reply
Thank you so much for your feedback!
1. Yes, I did mean to your 'your'
2. No, since this is poetry, I kinda felt like the 'out' didn't have to be necessary
1. I do mean looked away, like not being cared at all.
1. Oh, if you do want me to change the you's then I surely will!
1. About the commas...so since this wasn't really a normal story and more of a poetry, I figured that putting the commas will make more sense for readers. I guess this is just my own person style of writing them or something, but I will definitely look into these commas in the future when I am writing another one of these short poems.
But, thank you SO MUCH for writing such a meaningful critique. I am very pleased that you commented on my story. Thank you!!
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Ahh, okay I seee!
Okay! Can't wait to read more!
And of course!! Anytime!
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:)
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Woah! I love this. This was so emotional, so interesting to read and the way it connected with me makes this even more special. Really well done!
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Ahhh, thank you so much Fiza! I am so glad it connected to the wonderful readers like you!
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There's something so abstract and clean about stories in poetry, especially if they don't rhyme.
And this is off-topic but your story brought me back to kindergarten when I thought commas came after every word. It's a strange thing to think after reading this, I know, but it came back so vivid.
Anyways--
This was really well done and I have no words to possibly describe it.
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Frances...thank you so much for commenting and sharing your opinion! Means so much!
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Of course! Anytime.
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Thank you.
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Whoaa this poem was amazing! I was getting Cinderella vibes at first, but then the murder part happened, which added a nice twist! Gj! π
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Thank you so much Maanha! :)
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Yw! :D
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:)
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Wow Laila! Itβs so cool! Poetry again! I think this one was better than the other one youβve gotten really good! Fake mother! Like my story! Haha so cool! (Although I deleted it) I think this one was really good and passionate
Poetry rules!
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Heyyy, glad to talk to you again Coco!! Thank you so much! <3
Oh no...why did you delete? It must have been a phenomenal story!! =(
Yesssss, poetry does rule!! :)
Have a great day!
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Same here! Oh I wrote it with my friend and she asked me to take it down for some reason
Hehe you too have a great day!
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Hmm...interesting...
Thank you!
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Wow! No wonder you're #3! I love fiction written in verse. My only critique is, that I think the last paragraph is unnecessary. It's like it belongs to a completely different short story than the one you tacked it on to. Still, great story, well written and compelling.
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Thank you so much for your kind words Michael!
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Wow, that was amazing!
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Thank you so much Zen!
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Hello Laila!
I love this story so much! I'm glad you tried another story in the form of a poem because the ones you write really are quite amazing! This one kept me reading till the end and I like the overall concept of it! Great job!! :D
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Thank you so much Akshaya!
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Welcome!! :))
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=)
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Hi Hari! I'm here again to read your stories!!! Wow, you write so fast, and each story is so beautiful!
Loved this poem idea, it was super emotional. Loved how you described the mom!
AGAIN AN AMAZING STORY!
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Thank you so much!! :)
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My pleasure Hari!
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Aww, thanks!
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Of course!
Reply
:)
Reply