Roll Call in Lockwood Forest

Sunlight greeted me as I left my hut. It had been getting progressively warmer over the past few weeks as I made my morning rounds. The snow that had covered Lockwood Forest for months had finally melted. The first flock of birds flew overhead just a few days ago. All signs point to  one thing: spring was here… bullocks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spring just as much as the next druid. The warmer weather, plant life returning with all of its color and bloom, the absence of snow. It’s wonderful. However, the first few days of spring also require my least favorite task of my order.

So this morning after enjoying the sunshine and sounds that Lockwood Forests had to offer, I grabbed my flute, sighed and proceeded on my route. 

First stop, the tall ash by the stream. I put the wooden, well-worn flute to my lips and played a few notes. I heard a stirring, but no response. I tried once more, and this time added with as much luster as possible, “Mr. and Mrs. Squirrel. Spring has arrived. Wake up and rejoice!”

“Will you quiet down you bloody fool!” came from the hollow halfway up the ash.

Good morning to you too, you crotchety old rodent. “Mr. Squirrel, I’m sorry, but spring is here, and-”

“I bloody well know what it means you robed ragabond!” Mr. Squirrel appeared, rubbing the sleep from his beady black eyes. “I had a hard enough time with hibernation this year. Only slept a few days at a time before I had to get up to take a leak, or Mrs. Squirrel kicked my rump in her sleep. There’s no need for all of the yelling so early in spring lad.”

“Apologies Mr. Squirrel. Is everyone accounted for in your home?”

“Last I checked Mrs. Squirrel was right next to me.”

“Gerald? Gerald who’s there?”

“Blasts..” Mr. Squirrel mumbled to himself. “It’s Daeganade the Druid dear!” 

“So early in spring? I haven’t had any time to wash my face! Or clean out our tree. Gerald, we’re in no shape for company.”

“Apologies Mrs. Squirrel!” I responded. “Today’s the first day of hibernation roll call.”

“Oh that’s quite alright dear! Do come back after we’ve cleaned up a bit, and I’ll make you-.” Mrs. Squirrel voice from the hollow cut off for a moment. “Gerald…”

“Yes, love?” Mr. Squirrel replied idly while cleaning a few twigs from his red tail. 

“ What happened to the hazel nuts we were saving?”

“Love, there’s a lot of nuts in that hollow. You’ll have to be more specific.”

“The ones that I wanted saved for this spring! We could plant in the open patch next to the ash dear.”

“You told me we’re planting birch nuts there!”

Mrs. Squirrel popped out of the tree, folded her arms and bristled her tail. “Gerald...what did you do with the hazel nuts.”

Mr. Squirrel folded his arms in kind. “I ate them.”

“You...WHAT?!”

“I ate them Regina. The last time I woke up this winter.”

Mrs. Squirrel put a paw to her face. “Gerald, I told you very clearly before winter, we were saving those.”

“No, Regina, the way I remember it, YOU told me the birch nuts were for planting, the hazel nuts were for eating to get us through winter.”

“Do not raise your voice to me Gerald Archibald Red Tail Squirrel!” Mrs. Squirrel closed the distance and pointed one claw at her husband’s chest. 

“ALRIGHT!” I interjected before I witnessed anymore, “it appears that Mr. and Mrs. Squirrel are accounted for. If you need anything to get yourselves acclimated this season, you know where to find me?”

The two squirrels seemed to snap out of their tussle for just a moment. “Oh.. sorry dear.” Replied Mrs. Squirrel. “Of course! Come back anytime, don’t be a stranger!” 

Mr. Squirrel gave me a reluctant wave, and I made my way across the stream and on to my next stop. All the while, I did my best to block out Mr. and Mrs. Squirrel’s resumed quarrel over birch nuts, hibernation sleep-apnea and Mr. Squirrel’s lack of regard for his wife’s feelings. Those two haven’t missed a beat. 

I followed the stream down for a short while, playing my flute at each stop, checking in on a few more tenants. The Beaver brothers were in good spirits as always, though they’ll have to answer for some zoning concerns once more with their dam. Patricia Polecat  held me up for a long time. Poor thing, she’s been very lonely since the last of her pups moved away in the fall. However, a sense of dread was upon me. After the stream, comes the meadow. 

Lockwood Meadow really is beautiful, especially in the springtime. The grass will never be that green, the flowers won’t be as bright and the birds will never sing as happily as they will during the first few days of spring. The residence of the meadow on the other hand…

I had just taken a few steps into the clearing when I was mauled by a dozen reddish-brown blurs. “Daeganade! Daeganade! Daeganade! Is that you?!” 

“Hi Susie.” I managed to gasp. 

“No I’m Lilly!” Scoffed the baby rabbit plopped on my chest. “That’s Susie!” Indicating a near-identical ball of fluff by my foot.

“Oh sorry Lilly! So where’s your-.”

“Daeganade, why do you wear that funny robe?” Inquired another rabbit practicing its jumps over my head.

“Because...that’s what people of my order wear uh…. Tommy?”

“No silly! Bobby!”

“Sorry….Bobby. Wait, I thought Bobby had the hole in his ear?”

“No that’s me! Ronnie!”

“Sorry Ronnie! Where’s your-”

“Deaganade, do you have a girlfriend?” Squeaked the littlest one perched on my shoulder.

“No…..um….no. Where’s your-”

“Lilly, Susie, Angie, Agnes, Rose, Bonnie, Tommy, Bobby, Billy, Ronnie, Stevie, Bertrum! Get off of Mr. Daeganade!” 

Mrs. Rabbit had popped out of the den with a baby bunny on each hip and that wild, haggard look in her eye that only comes with being a mother rabbit. The two babies were even smaller than the twelve who mauled me; they must have been newborns. 

“Good morning Mrs. Rabbit.” I gingerly stood up and dusted myself off. “ It looks like the Rabbit household is already up and about. Is Mr. Rabbit here too?”

“Him?!” the she-rabbit snorted, “as soon as the snow thawed he’s been out ‘scavenging’ for food with Bart the Badger and Marvin the Mole. Nope, it’s just me. Making sure everyone is fed, cleaning up after the babies, keeping this den from turning into a pigsty. It’s great. It’s just…. Great.” 

“Is he hitting the pond water again?” I inquired. Mrs. Rabbit sighed and nodded. 

“Alright I’ll go check on him.” I said as I pried a little rabbit off of my ankle.  “It was good seeing you again, uh...Ronnie?”

“No! I’m Bonnie!” The little rabbit teared up and began to wail. 

“Daeganade!” Mrs. Rabbit scolded. 

“I’m so sorry Mrs. Rabbit! I really have to go though. You know where to find me if you need anything though right?”

Mrs. Rabbit was bombarded with five statements at once- ranging from wanting a carrot to a brother/sister was looking at them funny- so she did not respond. None needed. I hurried along, nursing a migraine that I knew was a long time coming. 

The site that welcomed me to the edge of the meadow  to the outer bank of Reemer’s Pond did not improve the headache. Delnar the Deer was towering over a rabbit, mole and badger, pointing an accusing hoof at them. 

“...I swear Roger, I’m going to do it! Public intoxication is no laughing matter!”

“Go ahead, you insufferable- HICCUP- busy body.” Replied Roger the Rabbit, who was sprawled out on his back by Bart the Badger and Marvin the Mole. “We all know- HICCUP- that you won’t.”

“Oh really?!” replied the stag. “You are aware I could skewer you and drop you rodent-kabobs on Deaganade’s doorstep?”

“Hey Roger,” chimed in Marvin. “You know what they say about deer with big racks right?”

“No, what?” inquired the rabbit, but giggling like he already knew the answer.

“Tiny-” started the mole, but by that time I had reached the troup and interrupted him with a shrill blast of my flute. “ENOUGH!” Turning my attention to Delnar, who I knew was the only sober one there. “What’s going on?”

“Daeganade, I was in the middle of making a citizen’s arrest!”

“You… what?”

“A citizen’s arrest!” Replied Delnar earnestly. “I came upon these three ponder-boozers throwing clays of mud at the Field Mice Family, and when I confronted them about it well…” He gestured to the three rolling around in the grass, still laughing at Marvin’s joke.

Oh, Delnar. Your heart’s in the right place, but these drunks have a point... Turning my attention to them. “That wasn’t ok, gents. Why on earth would you do that?”

“We thought they was snakes first!” Said Bart. “The way they moved in the grass!”

“And when you found out they weren’t snakes?” I inquired.

“Well… Daeganade, did you know that those little buggers can jump so high when they want to?” Bart tried to stand, but lost his footing and came crashing back to the ground with a drunken laugh.

“I think you three have had enough fun for the...ugh… morning.” Turning to Roger, I added, “your wife is looking for you.”

“Bloody hopping- HICCUP- hell!” Roger’s face darkened. “I just wanted a few hours of fun with the lads. You’ve been buy the den haven’t you?” I nodded curtly. “ Then you know how bloody chaotic it’s become now that everyone’s woken up! Twelve yearlings, plus we had another six a few days ago. Chaos, bloody chaos.” 

“I’m sure it has been,” I added slowly, “but how do you think Rachel feels?” 

“Rachel? Oh, she’s fine.” Replied the rabbit obliviously. “She enjoys taking care of the kids and the house.” 

Wow. “Well she’s asking for you back home Roger. Come on, up and at ‘em.” I offered a hand, but instead Roger rolled on his side and vomited.

“Oh...bullocks.” The rabbit groaned between heaving.

“You see what I mean?!” Said Delnar. “I can take these culprits to your hut and-”

“NO!” I had to collect myself for a moment. “No, Delnar. You can’t make a citizen’s arrest. Like we’ve talked about. You do not keep the peace, that’s my task, but I do appreciate the help.”

Delnar scoffed at that. “It’s getting out of hand Daeganade, and spring just started!”

“You’re getting out of hand!” Chirped up Bart, taking a swipe at a fish swimming near the water’s surface. 

“Alright that’s ENOUGH! Delnar,” I said, “if you would like to help, you can help me escort these three home. I think they’ve had enough for the day.”

Delnar grumbled some more, but obliged, though the rabbit, badger and mole were not so compliant. It took a while to get them up, and even longer to get them home. Between unnecessary stops for snacks of fruits and insects, Roger’s continuous vomiting and Marvin forgetting while burrow was his, it was late afternoon before all three were returned home. Rachel began laying into Roger as soon as we dropped him off. Deservingly so, but Roger had passed out by that point, so we let his troop of twelve children heave him into the den. Delnar wanted to go over a debrief of the situation after, but my headache was so severe I just bid him goodnight and headed back to my hut.

Now hear I am, talking to you, listening to the sounds of springtime in Lockwood Forest. Mr. and Mrs. Squirrel have resumed their fight over hazel vs. birch nuts. Two of the rabbit children just barreled by, screaming bloody murder, so loud that it drowns out the songs of the nightingale.

Day one of spring roll call. I’m not even halfway through the tenets of Lockwood Forest. I’m going to go grab some of the pond water Roger, Marvin and Bart were hitting earlier. Maybe it will help with the headache...