Ralph's Top Ten List

  Ralph’s Top Ten List

In the new year, Gary Neufeld was going to beat up on Ralph Smith. This was a common occurrence because every year since kindergarten, he had punched out the much weaker and smaller male. Now they were in high school and the pugilist made sure everyone knew what was going to happen.

He had spread the word around and everyone anticipated the same as usual on January 1. It was going to be a very hard day for Ralph.

“Why do you always beat me up?”

“Because you drive me nuts, Ralph. And, besides, it is tradition.”

“Oh, yeah what if came up with a top ten list why you shouldn’t beat me up?”

“Go ahead you have ten days.”

“So if I have a top ten list then you won’t beat me up?”

“Yeah, if you can come up with ten solid reasons why I shouldn’t beat you up then I’ll spare you from the usual crying jag and blood loss.”

The beating wasn’t going to take very long. In ten-seconds it was going to be over because Gary was big and strong and Ralph was smaller and had no real muscle tone.

So, Ralph realized that he had a chance to escape a good beating.

He racked his brains for days trying to figure out ten good reasons. And, then he came up with the first one.

Reason Number Ten: You have beaten me up so many times before, why would you want to again? I mean it must be getting boring for you since you’ve done it so many times. There is no challenge left and kicking the stuffings out of me isn’t going to add any excitement to your life.

“I like that,” said Ralph and smiled.

It took some time but he came up with another reason.

Reason Number Nine: If you beat me up, you could hurt your fist. What if you broke it on my very hard head? Then you wouldn’t be able to play hockey for the rest of the season. Gary, you love hockey. You live to play that game. It would be tragic and the team would really miss you because you are their star player. They might miss the playoffs and it would be all because you decided to beat up a guy you already had beaten up a million times.

“This list is getting better all the time.”

Eventually, another reason came to him. He had only ten days, so Ralph put up tally marks on the wall to keep track of time sliding by.

Reason Number Eight: It will do nothing to improve your social status. I mean, what is everyone going to think? Oh there goes big Gary Neufeld beating up on poor little Ralph Smith again. We’ve seen this far too many times. Why doesn’t he just leave the guy alone? You will lose respect because you are just repeating yourself and everyone wants something new.

It was a couple of days later when the fourth reason popped in his head.

Reason Number Seven: You don’t like me because I am a really brainy guy. Did you know that I was building a death star in my garage? Since you gave me ten days to accomplish the task and I had already started, it will be very easy to finish. The death star wold have to be tried out on someone and I couldn’t think of a better candidate than you. So, not only would you be repeating a boring act, but you wouldn’t be able to play hockey or raise your social status. In fact, your rival Jesse Colton would oust you as the star of the team and take all the glory because you are going to be dead.

Ralph laughed hard at that one.

Reason Number Six: If you hit me really hard and I fall to the ground and smack my melon on the cement then it would be considered murder. They would try you as an adult and you would have to go to prison where you would be with hardened criminals that would not be very nice to you. Your life would be ruined just because you had to beat me up. Is it worth it?

A couple of days went by and there were no new ideas. And, then, he had another one.

Reason Number Five: If you beat me up my mom will get really mad. I know that she is a tiny lady, but she is Italian remember? And, what are the Italians sometimes know for being a member of? That’s right, you read it correctly, the Mafia. My mother’s brother Uncle Vito was a mobster and for the right price he would whack anyone. He would certainly do it for his favourite nephew no charge.

“This list is getting better all the time.”

Reason Number Four: Did you ever think that maybe I had alien connections and told them that some punk was going to beat me up and they gave me an alien gun? They call it a disintegrator and all I have to do is pull the trigger and you would be evaporated. That would be so cool. Poof, and just like that you are no longer part of this planet.

Reason Number Three: If you punch me then I will tell the people at Comicon and they won’t let you in. Remember, they have a policy no bullies allowed. The people who run that event are very strict about it. I know how much you love Comicon and if they wouldn’t let you in, you would be devastated. I would go in and meet all the celebrities and get all kinds of cool stuff. And, if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are there, I will take photos with them and sent the pics to you so you can cringe and cry.

Reason Number Two: The last time you beat me up your girlfriend was really mad at you. In fact, you guys got in a huge screaming match and she left you for a few days. Well, you might as well know that she needed someone’s shoulder to cry on and it was mine. One thing led to another and we ended up in each other’s arms naked. Hey, things happen!

Reason Number One: Well, my family just moved and we are three thousand miles away. In other words, Sayonara Sucker!

He emailed Gary the top ten list and laughed in the safety of his new bedroom that was now called home.